dinner at my house....tonight.

Fact:

2011-05-03T02:10:00.000-04:00

Fact: I have everything I need to be exactly who I am.

the never blog post.

2011-02-08T13:28:00.002-05:00

this is the post set up for the things i can not say,
should never say,
will never have the nerve to say,
or wouldnt find the words anyway.

one day i may have the nerve.
one day i may find the words.
one day
till then, they get to live here
between lines
between letters
in secret
safe.

Kinda sad

2011-01-05T11:43:00.002-05:00

So ive been sort of in and out of the funk already this winter.....stupid cold funk....that along with some pretty major life changes have put my head into a bit of a spin. My insecurity level is just about to peak out at 1075%. I generally wake up with a wandering around in the dessert sort of feeling. I have no doubt that this is exactly where i am supposed to be right now, but my tear ducts are definitely tired. I have found myself being ridiculously sensitive about things that normally I would blow off like a feather. My faith isn't shaken, more my identity. I know the two go hand in hand, but when i say identity I mean more like the what the heck am i doing, what do i love, what do i have to offer sort of thing. Once someone told me that shouldn't be a question " you are a mother and wife" well anyone who knows me knows that one really got the house a rocking! It is true, i am a mother, and a wife, but what happens when a new season of my life comes to play and i have not fostered the woman i was created to be? And how can i be available to the people in my life if I am not fully here? So this season of healing will also come with a deep rooted questioning. I am scared shitless! I haven't done this in a long time! But i guess that is all the more reason for it. If you see me crying please hug me. It passes pretty fast, and i normally follow with a laugh.

nothing much

2011-01-04T18:26:00.002-05:00

nothing much changes here.

the leaves,

the weather,

our age,

those are the exceptions.

nothing much changes here.

you will always

have a home,

have a bed,

have a meal.

with us, with me, with him, with her.

your faces fade in and out,

but stay the same with us

right here,

where nothing much changes.

slow down and heal up.

2010-12-24T15:01:00.002-05:00

so i am going to lay it all out!

i am broken.

i dont have it all together....(not that anyone was ever convinced i did.)

i suffer from severe bouts of depression, that come and go as they see fit. and always at the most inopportune times.

i am pretty sure that i could win the worst mother award on any given day.

i am scared.

i embarrass myself often.

i need a whole bunch of everything

this list could go on for a while......

but the problem with this list is that all the lines start with i. now, to be completely honest that fact just makes me want to add another line to the list, but i have to stop.

it doesnt matter. we are all broke up!!!! just some of us hide it better than others.....i just happen to be as transparent as a freaking fish tank now a days.

somehow the list needs to change from being ruled by the me's and put to rest by the HIM.

he has extended grace for all of this. and when the time comes to change things up i have to have faith that not only can it be changed but He will equip me with what i need!

i need a lot right now. i do. honest. but i dont think He thinks any less of me, or loves me even an ounce less than he does when i dont feel like i need so much. in fact when my kids need something desperately it may seem i love them more, because i get to make my love manifest.

so right now i am giving up. i am slowing down, i am holding out my hands, i am asking for healing and restoration.........with no apologies.

time to slow down and heal up!

soooooooo long.

2010-11-10T11:33:00.000-05:00

i have been horrible about posting here....but im gonna get back on it soon. ummmm promise.....

points of view.

2010-09-03T22:24:00.007-04:00

"if a few people at the top can make the bad news happen, then why cant all of us at the bottom get together and make the good news happen".......(a very beautiful quote from a movie)

the truth of the matter as i see it....
the only Good News comes from the Very Top and puts us all on level ground.

i see both of these sides, and live in both of these sides.....is to follow one to compromise the other?

how do you feel about it?

FEAR NOT, LOVE ALL!

cake or death.....

2010-08-24T21:29:00.003-04:00

so at the risk of sounding all narcissistic, i must blog about the excitement in my life right now.....this weekend i went to the regional rba competition, and WON!!!! therefore, i shall be heading to las vegas to compete in the national cake decorating competition. HOLLA!
here are the cakes i made durring the 3 hour competition this weekend.

what to do when your friend moves away.

2010-08-05T21:56:00.003-04:00

*quick awkward hug.
*get in car.
*put in CD.
*turn up music real loud.
*drive like you are angry at the road.
*avoid hitting pedestrians.
*get groceries (because it is therapeutic).
*drive the same road home.
*keep singing loudly.
*cry.
*make a list in your head of all the things you wish you could say........
*pray for friend.
*get home.
*get out of car.

please note this is not the order these things must go in, only the order in which i worked them out tonight.

sooner than i thought....

2010-07-20T17:12:00.004-04:00

so like i was saying.......

guitar.

cake.

camp.

solitude.

hoop.

an update....well not really.

2010-07-20T16:31:00.002-04:00

sorry i have been MIA. i have been getting back into my working routine....bahhhhh! i have also been keeping very busy with a life full of wonderful things to keep me smiling. per request of sara i shall be taking pictures, and in the next few days i shall make a blog post with only pictures! how bout that?!? see you then.

a girl, camping. alone.

2010-07-08T21:11:00.004-04:00

yes, earlier this week my family dropped me off in jones gap with a tent, a hula hoop, and a whole lot of time. when i told people that was what i was doing for vacation there were mixed emotions about it, from "that is going to be so nice" to "wont you be lonely?" to "what! a girl in the woods, alone!!!!". this is what i found was the actual feelings i had about the situation once i got there.....

all of the above.

yes, it was so unbelievably fantastic to sit on "my sitting rock" in the middle of the river for an hour or two, without being talked to, looked at, asked of. it was fun to scamper up the hill to find my fire wood. i felt great achievement as i started up one of my famous camp fires in less than 1 minute. i soaked in the sounds, smells, and textures of the deep woods. watched ants run from spiders, spiders run from frogs, frogs run from me. i ate fruit fruit and more fruit. walked the trail to get water about 6 times a day, and drank all of it. i felt clean, even though my body was filthy from top to bottom. my hair was gross, my face covered in ash, and my feet were beautifully coated with all sorts of dirt, twigs and soot. my clothes, which consisted of a bathing suit top and my tore to pieces camp pants, were permeated with the heavenly scent of wood smoke, and the aroma de becky. i am not going to lie, it was great. but it was also scary. i was made aware of the fact that i sort of live with fear on a day to day basis.... granted there is some rational behind being slightly more aware of your vulnerabilities when you are all alone in the woods. i wasnt worried about bears, or bob cats, i was worried about predators of the human persuasion. see i like to think i am a self sufficient, do it all, get it done, i dont need your help kinda gal. to an extent i am, but there is great comfort in knowing that someone has got your back.

i had been alone for a while, not spoken to a soul, just me and the river. loneliness had crept in, and i wanted to welcome it for a change. i wanted to ask it some questions.....

just above my camp site on the trail is a little ridge that kept me from seeing over the trail. as the dusk set in and the smoke from the fire rolled over the boulders, i ran a mental inventory of the people in my life past and present. i saw each person walk over the ridge and into my campsite. i wanted to know what i honestly felt about each person, and why i wanted them there, or not.

i know all of this sounds stupid, but it was very therapeutic for me in a way. i saw my husband walk the trail, and i knew instantly i was safe. i was loved. i saw my friends come into my campsite one by one, and they brought new dimension, each one. i saw old love walk in and out. it was easy to let them go in peace. then as i sat there i realized that the one person i really wanted to walk over the ridge more than anything in the whole world was Jesus. i couldnt see him, i just knew it. the answer to all of my questions, the love that surpasses all loves, the comfort, the strength, the healing. i went to bed all by myself that night, but i wasnt lonely. yes, i was in the woods all by myself, but i knew that even if no one ever walked over the ridge again He had promised to never leave me or forsake me.

i had crazy dreams about raccoons all night. woke up stoked the fire back up for breakfast, and enjoyed another day of sitting in the sun on a river rock. read the last bit of the book i have been putting off for months, hula hooped, sat some more, stood up for a bit, and even went on a hike. i was glad to meet my family when they got back to get me. i felt refreshed, and rejuvenated. i knew there was a reason why i felt such a deep need for time in the wilderness. i am especially glad that i got it.

now to remember.

today.....

2010-07-01T21:30:00.001-04:00

today freakin' rocked!!!!

new blog!!!!!

2010-06-29T21:51:00.003-04:00

i have decided to set up a new blog completely devoted to hooping and all things awesome!!!!so basically hooping and the killing of zombies..... except minus the killing of zombies. well maybe i could figure out how to kill zombies with my hoop.....hmmmmmmmm...? anyways.....so go here if you want hula hoop goodness, and follow my ridiculous journey if you dare.

ps. my husband totally got me the zombie combat manual today, and i love him a whole bunch for it. im sure he will love me a whole bunch when i fight off a million zombies with just a swiss army knife one day. thanks babe!

ALOT!!!!

2010-06-26T14:58:00.006-04:00

today across town my friend b. is getting a new puppy!!!! and i am excited for three reasons

1. he is getting a puppy.

2. he is naming it "ALOT".

3. he has bestowed me with the great honor of being the dogs "goshmother" i would say godmother, but i dont think it works that way.

the reason why this is the best ever is because of this. please go read this, it will make you smile in a big way

so welcome to town ALOT! i cant wait to meet you!

for the record.....

2010-06-23T16:23:00.003-04:00

the i cam on my mac puts about 15 extra pounds on my ass!!!! seriously, i am standing here in front of a mirror and i dont look like what you are getting ready to see. but alas.....so i have been chatting about this hooping thing, and figured id make a little video....so here it is. i am in my living room, and had just destroyed my ceiling fan light pull, so i am being very timid with my movements. if i was outside i would be jumping, spinning, pumping, and grinning. i hope to get a chance to video some more of the stuff i am learning, but like i said i am inside, and cant get the range of motion i need for some of the more fun tricks. also i hope to post some pics of the new hoops, i made a really fun weighted hoop today, that is sure to kick my butt and make me shed a few extra pounds in the process....cause evidently according to this video i have gained all the weight i lost.....but i call its bluff.....! oh yes by the way i do go all super girl flying back into the room after i roll that bad boy down the hall....just sayin', watch for it.....:)

10 things

2010-06-21T10:09:00.002-04:00

it is list time.

and i need to remind myself again that there are things that i like right now.

ready? please note these are thing i like today, and are subject to change at any moment, well, cause that is how i roll.

1. hula hooping, and i mean i like it in a big way, like if i wasnt married, and it was a human i would marry it. pretty much!

2. playing the piano. i play like a two fingered armadillo but i like it anyways.

3. being asked to sing on the worship team at newspring. seriously it makes my day.

4. making hula hoops.....see number 1.

5. the smell of grilling food. nough said.

6. water

7. my friend brandon is getting a new puppy soon, and might name it ALOT.

8. did i mention hula hooping?

9. my avocado tree.

10. rainbow and kittens, no just kidding, well yeah i like those too. but i like llamas better.

so call me a liar!

2010-06-16T12:22:00.002-04:00

yes, i said i would be coming back today with an illustrated depiction of my last week, but alas.....i have something better to write about today, that involves snot and stuff....so hold on.

so some background....(isnt it funny how simple things can go years back)

years ago, and i mean like over a freakin decade....yes, i am old enough for that, i was found....yep found by love. and when i say love i mean like a Holy Spirit baptism, Jesus in my heart kind of found. the only desire in my heart was to buy a bus, go on the rainbow trail, and wash dirty hippies feet....i mean that in the most literal way. i wanted to have a camp where you could come, eat, rest, download, and have someone wash your sore tired feet, cause well, i believed what Jesus said about being servants. and that was where my heart wanted to serve....if you are looking perplexed wondering what the heck the rainbow trail is please go here.....(i wish i knew how to make a hyperlink) http://www.welcomehome.org/rainbow/main.html

okay, so fast forward a bit, i never hit the trail, i was young, naive, insecure, and fearful of the unknown of life on the road. even though i was CONSTANTLY reminded that our Father will take care of us no matter what! please note, being taken care of doesnt always mean being fed or covered or wealthy or even liked. but it does mean we will be FULL, BLESSED, RICH, and LOVED!

so fast forward a bit more, life has made its own trail, and i love this trail, it has brought me here, do i wish i had hit the woods? somedays.....would i change anything right now? not a chance. okay, im lying again.....hehe.

so through the years i have become sort of numb to the fact that God can sustain us, even though He shows me these things every single day in some way shape or form....seriously, he spoke through dog food just a couple of weeks ago, im a slow learner. it is easier to live pay check to pay check putting our faith in the dollar, that it will be there, and when it isnt we collapse.

the past few weeks have been very hard, because i dont feel right here, i feel misplaced. i go numb easily because it is easy to work hard, get stuff done, go to bed and start all over again. my faith in Jah is put on hold and my faith in the system grows, leaving me wanting, and withered. i can see it happening and cant make sense of this held up the knowledge that no matter what HE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME!!!!! and better yet, MY FAMILY!!!!! i have been feeling like there is no place for this in our mainstream society, no living from one moment to the next, and i was getting frustrated. until today.

wed. is payday for me. we have been tight lately, who hasnt right???? i go to the bank, count out the tithes, put some money in an almost over-drafted account, and head to the grocery store knowing whatever i need to buy this week needs to stay under approximately $15, but i have a family to feed, and of course the dog food is gone, cause well, that is the way it works ALWAYS!!!! so i walk in get the essentials, on sale, and make my way to the line.....a sweet soul sister that we have known for years in standing in front of me in line...pays for her groceries, then turns around as i am unloading, and looks at me all perplexed.....she says, " do you have a discount card?" i tell her i do, and she asks me to put it away, she has one and she is paying for my groceries.....!!!!! this is where the snot comes in, cause i turned into a blubbering 3 year old in the middle of isle 1, i kid you not, the bagger was very concerned for me, bless his heart! so she pays for my groceries, minus the dog food because i feel it is my spiritual duty to buy dog food now, (dont judge me) hugs me and walks out. here i am still crying wishing i had windshield wipers on my broken glasses as i walk out of the door.

my sweet friend blessed me in ways i can not possibly begin to explain to her, but what blows me away like a freaking hurricane is that i know she was acting on the beautiful voice of our Daddy, and the fact that He cares enough about me and my family to bless us today just shakes me to my core!!!! man He is good at that stuff!!!! and in all of this, He is reminding me to listen to that still voice that has been calling me to bless someone in particular for a while now. i just havent had the faith or the means to do it. one has to hear and heed that voice to understand when its hand gives to you. does that make sense?

anyways i worked in the snot, so i have held up on my end of this post. whoever is reading this I LOVE YOU! my love is broken, but i would love to wash your feet.

i am drawing....

2010-06-15T21:22:00.001-04:00

i am in the process of drawing this past week out for a blog post, so just get ready for the freak show to begin.....to be continued soon.....

so today i.......

2010-06-03T21:16:00.026-04:00

was working, and you know doing that cake making thing, when i was overwhelmed

with the insatiable urge to make a hula hoop....any of you who know me are not

surprised by this in the slightest......so here i am, fumbling through the yellow pages

to find some prize jewel, some glimmer of hope for the ever sought out 1" 100 psi

tubing.....

no, not that kind, the irrigation kind....it is what hoops are made of in the wild

evidently.so i call all sorts of places, irrigation places,

plumbing places, hardware

places, candy stores (okay, maybe i wasnt looking for

tubing then), you get the

picture.....and everywhere i calledi was all like

and then they were all like......NO! so i cried a little

inside.....dont worry i

got better. so anyways i look to my

decorating mentor and say "oh dear

decorating mentor, i am in a bind,i need tubing!" and she was all like.....

and i was like.....um...na, the other kind. and she

asked me

"what cha need it for?"

at which time i explained to her i was a ninja and

couldnt reveal my secrets.

she accepted said explanation and suggested i try

the one place i had not

looked......so i picked up the phone and called sort of waiting for the let down....

the nice lady answered and i bleated from the other end of the line.....

"do you have tubing?"

and she was all like......

and i was all like, "no the irrigation kind" and the

voice on the other end rang out like a heavenly

bell!!!!!!

YES!

and i was all......

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!

so here in our little town resides the famous ever so hard to find 1" 100

psi tubing that all hoop makers covet, and get this

for only $25 for 100

feet!!!!! so when i got off of work, yes, a very hard

productive day of work......

(dont judge me)

i went to find the "hula grail".

came home with a load of tubing

(no, not that kind)

and big dreams!!!!! i sat down at my work bench

and whittled out 2 glorious hula hoops! ill post

pictures later.

but after my hoop making i was all like

and that made me pretty much feel like this......

the end.

just a note from the queen......

2010-05-21T21:42:00.002-04:00

of insecurity that is....

just a friendly reminder that we all know and love people with insecurities.....some hide them well, some not so much, but we keep on loving them right???? i mean in big ways. because we can see them for who they are....so here is the thing.....for those of us with insecurities.......the people who love us, feel pretty much the same way....they still love us. yep....let it soak in. ahhhhhh......how was that?

while insecurities hold us back, we still have them, and gotta deal with them. take your time, pray it through. we will do stupid things that give us away, but just keep on truckin'! i am a firm believer in the fact that we arent presented with a problem unless it is able to be fixed. and i am also a firm believer in the fact that i cant fix anything, so, well. but here is the promise.....ready......no actually you go find it yourself....go read philippians 1:3-5.

ill talk about this more later. but i must go find beth moore's new book about the subject first or else toni will have to pray for my soul forever. hehe.

yall love hard, love real, love right!

write a song.

2010-05-20T15:06:00.004-04:00

you,

you are prime for a song

to be written about

you.

full of the promise

of rhymes

rhythm.

a three step

with a swing.

the kind

that makes me want to

wear a full skirt,

that sweeps at my feet,

and spin round the kitchen

yes,

that kind.

that first verse

would come on sweet

like magnolia

lemony and fresh.

easy baby....

let it ride.

then drilled right to your heart

that burst.

that blood.

that chorus line,

that paints you

like a sunrise,

bright,

brilliant,

luminescent.

ahhhhh.

twist on your heels

ride the refrain

all the way

down

down.

i know you

burning my heart.

and you are prime

for a song.

a song to be written

about

you.

dear crappy day, you were crappy....im glad you are almost done.

2010-05-19T19:53:00.002-04:00

so yeah, dear crappy day, i hate you, get out of my face.

that pretty much sums up my day. it was one of those days when i woke up tired, rolled into work, someone was out, my name was repeated like a broken record about 3000 times, all the while my brain is reeling at about 4 billion miles an hour, and i am convinced i am the most broken, selfish, worthless, poopiehead ever! so i do what i got to do, try real hard to smile, make a few stupid phone calls that just make me feel even more like a acne ridden 13 year old (no offense to 13 year olds i promise), then i throw down my towel.... literally, and state that "I AM GOING HOME!!!!" so i did.......it was about the time i got home i realized i had not eaten a bit of food since lunch the day before, and the fact that i had about 5 hours of sleep under my belt didnt help matters.....so i had a talk with the Lord about taking better care of my body, and went to bed! after a 2 hour nap i was feeling better, but still hungry, so i picked up the kids, and got something to eat.....ran a few errands, and came back home to cook dinner......then hooped it up with lilli, now i am lounging in my bed whilst my husband puts the baby to bed......well crap, turns out it was a good day after all......awww hell, now i cant complain anymore......so.....

dear tomorrow,

after i get a good nights sleep, eat breakfast and get to work where people only call out my name a billion times because they know i have their back, and will help them out, and after i eat lunch with my sweet friends, and hold my kids, and kiss my husband, and freak out about how i still dont know the songs i should know by now for sunday........please be understanding. i am far from having this stuff figured out. i do stupid things, say stupid stuff, trip over my own feet, and all sorts of rif raf seems to follow me about. but that is okay, cause i am not in charge and because well, you werent mine to begin with, and you wont be mine in the end. i just happened to be in you because something really big wanted me here.....and you just happened to happen cause that same something really big saw it fit for you to be here too, so that makes us sort of like family. and i like that.

see you tomorrow, tomorrow,

HAAAAAAAAAAAALP!

2010-05-12T20:52:00.003-04:00

i am having a very hard time with something, so haaaalp me out here.

reading through the book of Mark a couple of days ago i come across something i am sure i have read before but that day out of no where decided to show up at my Jesus party, and throw down a big ole bag of "whatdidyoujustsay?"

all right so....here is the scripture.

Mark 7:24-30

²⁴Jesus left that place and went to the vicinity of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know it; yet he could not keep his presence secret. ²⁵In fact, as soon as she heard about him, a woman whose little daughter was possessed by an evil spirit came and fell at his feet.²⁶The woman was a Greek, born in Syrian Phoenicia. She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter.

²⁷"First let the children eat all they want," he told her, "for it is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

²⁸"Yes, Lord," she replied, "but even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs."

²⁹Then he told her, "For such a reply, you may go; the demon has left your daughter."

³⁰She went home and found her child lying on the bed, and the demon gone.

mmmmmmmmm.kay......anything stand out at ya here? i have been battling with this bit of "in my face" for days now. i have cried about this because my insides hurt so bad over it. i have had some bits of understanding coming and going, but really i just want to see what others may have to say about it. so what do you think? did Jesus just call that woman a dog? haaaaaaaalp!

check yo self!

2010-05-09T11:45:00.003-04:00

so today is mothers day. yep....yay us. "achem" (clears throat, wipes tear from eye). well, i am here with my kids and dad is gone....i am still dealing, dont let my over enthusiasm for the day fool you....no serious.....anyways.

so today is "thanktheLorditischurchday" we have been attending newspring church......(go to www.newspring.cc) for a few months now, and we freakin love it! so anyways i have been confronted with something so revolutionary, so spectacular, so unbelievably life changing......you ready......no really? i can act fool for Jesus in church because those people understand. okay, did you get that? it seems simple, but it really isnt. see, so here is my background. i am a preachers kid. i know (insert stupid remark about stereotypical preachers kids here).....ok, now take stupid remark and stick it in your ear....na, just keep it to yourself, stereotypes dont help anybody. so back to my point....i have never felt free to be in church service, i actually feel freer to get wild in worship in my car. why is this you may ask? well....when you grow up in very fundamental churches where stepping out of line is sacrilege you begin to actually believe it is truth...and the people you should be able to be free with, because they understand become a room full of pointing fingers and glaring eyes.....please understand i dont think this is the way it is in all churches, but you know you have probably been in one or two. but for the past couple of weeks i have been dealing with this, just enjoying the movement of the spirit. there are mornings i want to dance, and laugh, but my self holds me back.....silly self. but it is like perry noble said a while back, the people here are supposed to be for us. we dont have to hide our passion for Christ here. i dont want to hide my passion for Jesus anywhere! now, here is the kicker, if there is one thing i have learned in this life it is that, we only see in others what we understand in ourselves, so if i feel like people might be judging my actions or considering me foolish for worshiping the Lord it is....ba! ba! baaa!.......BECAUSE I AM INCLINED TO JUDGE OTHERS! ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. check myself! that is right, i am not guilt free here! it is my own judgement that is holding me back. so this is where it begins, me being made aware of my own judgmental tendencies, and giving them up to be refined.....im done with that mess, in whatever form it has been manifesting in my life.....i love being poked at with the spirit stick....know why? because that means something is gonna happen.....i freakin' Love the hope we have in Jesus!

so this week, i plan to worship selflessly, and enjoy others expressing their love and passions, however wacky it may seem. why? because i wanna love like Jesus!

booootay'licious.

2010-05-03T21:16:00.004-04:00

oh yes, that is right, i joined the gym today....but not just any ole gym, the women's only fitness world. the amazing giraffe and i joined together tonight, and i cant be more excited about working out with her on a regular basis! so first thing tonight was zumba, if you know me in real life you know i love zumba!!!! i was worried that it wouldn't be what i was used to, my zumba instructor from the other gym is the absolute best ever!!!!! she holds the bar high!!! now let me set the stage for you for this evenings zumba session. picture an open floor, mirrors stretching from left to right, ceiling to floor..... mirror encrusted pillars in the center of the dance floor.....a beautiful muscled, yet curvy woman cusses at the cd player and goes back and forth between hard core hip hop songs, and latin dance rhythms....i am situated in the back right corner.....you would notice me immediately....why you ask? well because i am as white as vanilla ice. oh yes, the women here are dark and lovely and have come to shake things that i was not born with on my body. the music starts pumping, booties are shakin.....the teacher instructs us to "loosen up" i am afraid if her hips loosen any more they will dislocate, and as i undulate my hips back and forth i sort of remind my self of a large piece of cardboard being bent the wrong way over and over again....i spend the first few minutes just laughing at myself, and noticing that the older lady in front of me has joined me in my laugh.....i LOVED it! there were songs about alcoholics, songs about shaking your money maker, even a prince song.....oh yes, i danced hard to that one.....a few latin based songs that we salsa'd, and cha cha'd to. the teacher threw on a coin belt and shimmied her way to glistening sweat.....oh yes, i will be wearing mine on thursday, you can count on it.....!

anyways, work out, gym, zumba, sweat, the bestest work out buddy a gal could ask for, and a cheap membership......what a good night.

now to get ready for the hurt that awaits me tomorrow morning......ah, it is so worth it!

clean sheet day!!!!!

2010-04-29T20:24:00.001-04:00

so, if you skip to 5:24 you will understand how i feel right now.......oh yes, it is clean sheet day.......crisp, clean and dog hair free!!!! i love this clip for a whole slew of reasons, one being that my mother used to say i reminded her of dharma, and that my due pay back for being a rebellious child would be to marry a man who was straight laced and fully conformed. we'll just look past the fact that beardy man wears vests and sassy shoes....and accept that he listen s to the clash and has had his septum pierced more than once....(for those of you wondering it is in the nose). but i digress.........clean sheet day!!!!!

a good wife, a good mother.

2010-04-26T21:07:00.005-04:00

leave me a dish to wash

in the sink

so i can love you tonight

leave me a shirt

in the wash

so i can love you tomorrow

i sweep things away

all day

with nothing to show.

i play wordless songs

and hum quiet tunes

i watch you.

the words resonate

in my ears.....

get up.

go do.

or else

they will

forget you.

i scream back

against the waves

of sickness

you

lie.

i am your mother

i am your wife

this is

because we promised

to each other

to life.

funny,

i never learned

to trust.

chasing dreams.

2010-04-26T08:46:00.005-04:00

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/04/1-thing-that-changed-the-way-i-chase-dreams/

so i just finished catching up with a couple of posts from one of my favorite blogs, and this one really got me going.....enjoy. im off to play the piano, or guitar, and sing till my throat hurts.

today i learned...........

2010-04-24T20:26:00.002-04:00

how to hula hoop....i went through my entire childhood being completely jealous of all the kids who could make that magical ring slip effortlessly around their waists....i would jump and jiggle, pump and wiggle, but to no avail......but today, oh yes, today i picked that hoop up, slung it round my hips like a woman on a mission, and it plummeted to the floor with a crash.....well, i hadnt learned yet......after about an hour of watching my daughter spin not only one hoop, but sometimes two at a time, i figured id give it a shot again, but this time.......going in the other direction......so crank up my nerve, grab the hoop with both hands, right foot one step in front of the left, i wheel back ready to heave the thing with all my might in the direction that seems the stupidest....to the right. i take a deep breath, and swwwwooooooosh....and around again, and again, and again. it hits the sweet spot on my stomach...right around my navel, and glides there round and round again......sweet bliss.....my face relaxes from the contortion i had put it in to keep the hoop up....(you know cause ugly faces make things happen) i get into the groove and settle in for the ride. now i get it......i dont know why all those hula hoop crazed panic fans love their hoops so much, but i know why i love mine......because today i learned that sometimes the right way to do something is in reverse.....the way that seems less comfortable....comfort does not always equal right......tomorrow maybe i can hoop with two like lilli.

nom nom nom.....

2010-04-23T19:49:00.004-04:00

okay, so i just had to post this cause it made me laugh, and well laughing should be shared. actually i dont know what is scarier the staple remover or the bottle of purell....ahhhhhhhhhhh!

eeeeeeeeeeeeek!

2010-04-22T20:06:00.002-04:00

i would like to take this time to share a bit of insight with you, the readers, that i would like to imagine read this, but who are probably just in my head, because i need to feel validated at all times......(and you the reader who doesnt mind my horrible usage of run on sentences.....whew)

so here is the deal....i am getting ready to watch a movie, not just any movie but the kind of movie that i look forward to with so much anticipation i almost cant stand it....but i dont look forward to it because it is going to make me feel all good inside or teach me valuable lessons, or even because it will make me laugh so hard i pee my pants.....oh no, i will be watching it because it is going to scare the freakin' crap out of me!!!!!

if there is one thing that freaks me out, keeps me up, makes me wake up in cold sweats, it is..............ba ba ba!!!!!!!!! a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! i will lie i my bed at night for hours planning escape routes, trying to figure out who i will have the nerve to shoot, and who i will let limp grotesquely out of my house unscathed as i slip out the back window. i have visions of half mangled neighbors clawing their way into my bedroom at night while i sleep.....do i run, or do i go ahead, take the plunge and join the ranks as a brain hungry flesh eater.....????? oh the decisions....what is a girl to do????

my "covered in bees" friend is letting me borrow zombie land, which i hear is actually quite funny. but even with the funny parts, and woody harrelson in all of his fabulousness there will be undead, radioactive, malformed, blood thirsty, nasty breathed zombies walking around.....but i cant wait!!!!!

this is probably a sick disease i have, but i like to think of it more as therapy....or atleast practical preparatory training.

covers pulled up close, telephone close by, dvd ready to go.......!

slip through.

2010-04-19T22:22:00.004-04:00

i cant

for the life of me

remember.

where we were

what we said

how i left.

after all the years

of remembering

e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

i have nothing.

i come up short.

not even a faint

reminder

i remember

the long drives

what you ate

the smell

of your car.

i remember

how we met

the summer

we slept

on the couch

everyday.

how

did

you

slip

through?

10 reasons why i dont need to drink rum.

2010-04-19T08:01:00.008-04:00

1. my name is not preceded by "captain" nor do i wear an eye patch.

2. it is not friendly to my IBS riddled intestines.

3. i can take my family out to eat for the cost of one bottle of my favorite rum.

4. no matter how good it tastes it burns like hell going down.

5. i do ridiculous things in public after about 6 shots, and inevitably someone will have a phone with a video camera on it. you get the picture right?

6. i become overly passionate about whatever i am talking about....and i will hurt feelings with said passion, or get so worked up i spit, or shoot things out of my nose. yes, it has happened.....

7. my mom worries about me when i drink, wether she says so or not.

8. i do not have an off switch when i have had one shot too many, and will continue to "line em' up"

9. it is very difficult the next morning to remember conversations, movie plots, emails i have sent...etc. from the night before.

10. hangovers SUCK!

you may be asking yourself well becky, what is this all about? well, when i was little i told a lie.....i know, *gasp* and you know what my parents made me do? the worst punishment ever!!!!! seriously!!!! it is so horrible i have passed down this form of torture to my own 7 year old. when she lies to my face i..............make her write "i will not tell a lie" 50 times. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! the tediousness, the hand cramps, the eaten up eraser shavings........it is awful!

but while writing over and over again, you get something.....why you are being punished....granted there is a point where your brain checks out and you are just copying the line before it......but somewhere in there is a moment of regret for what you did.....you know that thing that got you into this word riddled mess....so i figured i would take it to the next step and actually write out what sucks about my present day vice. in hopes that at some point it would sink in. i had a serious problem this past year with alcohol, but the Lord is giving me the strength to pass through this day to day. he has given me a reason to stay sober, but last night, well.....i enjoyed the pirates delight. granted i didnt get sloppy drunk, but i still woke up with a cloudy head, and a painful reminder of a promise. The Spirit had a heart to heart with me this morning, which i am grateful for, because it means i am so important to Him that he doesnt want me to wander away. so this little post is going to be a reminder to me for a bit. of atleast 10 reasons why i dont need to drink rum. (and to myself if i am re-reading this you know there is another more important reason, so start praying.) if you are someone else reading this, please pray for me if you think to. please note i am not against alcohol consumption. Jesus turned water into wine, you cant skirt around that....but i know for a fact that me+rum=not so good.

keeping it real.

you know what i like?

2010-04-16T21:46:00.003-04:00

*i like really honest people who cry when they are sad, laugh when they are happy, and cuss like sailors when they get really good and worked up.

*i like dirty feet, smelly arm pits, and really weird tan lines that people who live and work outside get, and i like how they dont think anything of them.

*i like the fact that i could throw most of my house in my back yard right now and most of it would decompose with in a few weeks.

*i like watching bad kung-fu movies with my husband....just because i know he likes them.

*i like watching my 2 year old pick her nose.

*i like it more when she realizes i am watching and smiles at me as she puts her "nose treasure" in her mouth.

*i like making ridiculous noises in already awkward situations....seriously try it some time.

*i like watching people open up, and grow.

*i like it even more when i am one of those people.....is that selfish?

*i like my bed more than i will ever admit.

*i like it when people look at me in my eyes, and dont look away when i do the same to them.

when i meet people like this, i wish i was more like that.

*i like it when people feel comfortable enough to walk into my house with out knocking, and i like it even more if they dont steal things.

*i like culture shock.

*i like that there are lots of people who dont like these things.....

no point, just sayin.

and to the hat lady, i like you bunches! thanks for the coffee break.

why the dog food runs out when i am broke and other spiritual conundrums.

2010-04-12T12:02:00.003-04:00

so any body who has ever had a pet understands this all too well i am sure of it.....fido sits doe eyed by his food dish. quick glance at his food bowl, sideways glance back at you.....oh no, you are out of dog food!!!! oh crap! the bank account is empty! it happens every freakin' time....of course if you are an animal in my house empty food bag+ empty bank account= table food till payday.....which is never a bad deal for our critters as they happily devour left over sandwiches, and pasta galore! so today while slapping my forehead over the empty food bowl and empty account something Jesus said to his followers in the book of matthew struck me.....i know i know it is funny how that works.....but becky....its dog food....really??????

bear with me.....so i look at pup starting at me like "no really, what are you going to do about this" and i see myself....please save jokes about me looking like a dog, cause well....words hurt..hehe....so yeah, i see myself...empty bowl, looking up at the one who sustains my every need. but where my dog has the faith that i will come through with the food, cause i love her, i instead will look to God, then walk outside to rummage through the trash most times......if my cup is empty i will seek out every way in the book to fill it....but Jesus says pretty directly in matthew 7

⁷"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.⁸For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

⁹"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹²So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

seriously, i am talking about my dog here, we dont even want to get into what i would do for my kids!!!! but here He says even we who are evil we will give good gifts to our own...how much more will he give us!!!! BAM!!!! that's right....that's when becky got floored. God wants the absolute best for us.....that might look funny to us sometimes, but why would we want trash when He wants to sustain us with what is perfect for us, and that is always above and beyond what we could imagine for ourselves.....

so when my "bowl" is empty i know where to look. i am not saying i wont still dig in the trash, well because i am a creature of habit, but hopefully every day i will seek out the Lord for my sustenance....not only for my physical needs but first and foremost my eternal needs.

for those of you concerned about my pets and their food situation i assure you they will be dining in style for the next few days. if driving by please note the ring of pasta sauce around gretchen's snout.....:) and the fat belly on BB the cat.

i just wanna die....

2010-03-25T20:17:00.006-04:00

so i have been posting poetry for a while now, but i want to step out of that for a night to write about what is going on.....

so if someone is reading this, you probably dont know, unless you have seen me in the past year, that i have been horribly depressed....i mean like errrrrrrr yucky nasty. it was a culmination of all sorts of stuff from internal issues to external issues....alot of junk sort of rose to the surface, and instead of holding it up to the light, i just poked at it with sticks till it hurt.....i have had several conversations with dear friends about my addiction....it is an addiction i think alot of us suffer with....it isnt drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling.....no it is a more subtle, sort of accepted addiction......i am an emotional junky......i love to feel.....i live for the rush of an emotion....you may say "but beck, feelings are ok, why should i have to keep those bad boys in check?" well......proverbs 4:23 says " above ALL ELSE, guard you heart, for it is the wellspring of life." WHAT!!!!! this is serious stuff.....instead of passing all of the junk that was welling up inside of me through the word, letting the HOLY SPIRIT deal with it, i was simply accepting it for truth.....uh mistake numero uno!!!! so what happens when you dont handle this stuff properly? it becomes your reality......no longer was life, life, but it was a reflection of what i saw in my heart....so no longer did i cling to hope, or peace, or love, but embraced fully loss, confusion, discontent....because i could feel it, period....just because it felt like something.

so fast forward a bit.....after a year of living like this, and many really messed up months of just trying to grasp at re-defining life for MYSELF....please note this....because i dont know when selfishness is ever a quality to strive for....but we all deal with in one way or another. in Gods infinite wisdom and mercy made me blurt out to more than one person that i could not worship a god that would not meet me where i was and move me somewhere else....cause well, i didnt have it in me. i had no desire to look at, listen to, much less chase after God. i was so tired.....tired of what????? well just tired of looking inside of me.....i am sort of yucky....

so what do you know, but God , you know JEHOVAH GOD, is crazy like that.....not only does he LOVE me, but he is in the business of picking people up where they are and moving them to where they need to be.....

i wish i could show you a film, or paint you a picture, write you a poem, or something to describe the supernatural movement that has happened in my life in the past couple of weeks.....people have prayed, as God led, and mountains have been moved. all i crave day and night is His word, His wisdom, His LOVE! that is not something i could have done myself..

i am still dealing with the consequences of my several months of well, mud rollin'. but i can hold my head high because it has no power over me, and i know this because the God of the universe loved me enough to change my heart.....that is BIG. if you see me i will probably tell you this all over again, because i am like a freaking broken record right now, i can not testify enough of the power of Jesus in my life!

so there you have it, becky with a re-furbished heart. a desire to be with people, and love on them! but most of all a deep deep desire to never be content in only knowing what i know now of my sweet sweet Jesus! before i just wanted to die....but Christ has reminded me of a better way.....to die to myself to live for him, and His way is always the best way!

that time when.....

2010-02-23T15:19:00.004-05:00

ocean spray

windswept hair

lips sweet with bread.

trees crossed tight,

heavy black night,

you were gone too long.

faces fade into walls,

fingers all bones,

woke up sunday best.

i knew it was you,

bird wing, white skull.

it still hangs around.

lazy day

backdoor open

pile of honey on the floor.

like a breath,

you would leave.

catch you, i would try.

when i sleep

its all the same.

it always will be.

the last time i saw you

2010-02-15T10:47:00.003-05:00

The last time i saw you

you were a pirates bride.

Hands set firm on your hips.

Those hard hard hips,

that bore salt water children

hard on those bones,

turning metal to rust

and skin to leather.

Riding on the back of empty beds

and fruitless seas.

You sat watch,

eyes turned gray

melting into a horizon that never gave up.

Black dress, holding firm,

your heart, beneath your breasts.

You knew he loved another.

She laughs at your door,

and wakes you at night.

Crashing hard on the sand.

You dip your toes into her,

and take pieces of her away,

hoping to make her smaller,

to steal from her,

like she has stolen from you,

every time he sails away.

where the earth fell open.

2010-02-15T09:59:00.005-05:00

there was a shift

a place where the earth fell open

standing on the edge looking in

i ran my hands through hair

not mine

but the ghost of a really bad day

shifting from left foot to right

finding my balance

gazing dumbly like a half sleepy child

i recognize this space

this chasm

this break.

it is deep, dark, mysterious

with a half grin

and silence.

my toes hanging over feel the cool air

float up like little feathers

the thing is breathing

the thing is beating

i could jump in and fall forever.

i could hold my breath

feel weightless till the bottom

the hard hard bottom

but i see now that hole in the ground

for what it is.

my skin clenches at my muscles

and makes them turn my body around.

my hands run one more time through

the hair of what seems to be

familiar

stranger.

and with one good shifting of my heels

i can see up.

soon.

2010-01-21T21:52:00.001-05:00

i feel something brewing, and i will be writing soon.....a theme has eclipsed my thoughts, taken over my brain, and left me sort of bewildered at the state of it all....i will elaborate with in the next few days once i have set my mind straight.

2010-01-06T13:14:00.003-05:00

i feel you walking the hills

i feel you watching the sky

i feel you listening, ear to ground

i feel you standing still at the sound of the owl.

will you raise a feather for me?

will you dust off your dirty feet?

will you start the evening fire?

i will always feel it.

------------------------------------------------

sage smoke bellow

smudged clean in coal

rain washed skin

time take toll.

2009-12-13T08:02:00.002-05:00

it is that time again. i am hunkered down in the mountains that i love. it is early in the morning, and the gray light is filtering in through faryn and eli's little apartment window. i can see how cold it is outside by the way the trees hang. but it is warm inside propped up on the couch with laptop in hand, feet nestled in blankets about 3 feet away from the most deliciously warm heater.

i got off work yesterday, went home to kiss my family, and hit the road bound for fueling up for what lies ahead over the next couple of weeks. i refuse to be consumed. after a long ride, a big cup of coffee, and a pee break i pulled back into the city of memories....where now not only can i connect with one of my friends at a time, but all 3 girl friends at once....i have to check my pulse....i tilt my head, the planets align.

faryn and eli have moved back from an 8 year stay on the west coast, i know it was hard for them to leave. i would fight the move from the pacific north west with every ounce of will in my body. it is so lovely and strange. but i am glad they are here. and with the most beautiful baby boy shuffling around, and being slung from hip to hip, sweet milo. all nestled back in our old stomping grounds.

Montford is where so much took form, so much broke down, so much was planned, dreamt, laughed about, cried about, lived in, bundled up, shaken off. but this time it is slept in, looked about, savored, and will be passed through. i am getting better about this i think. the coming and going. the re-collecting of thoughts. the processing of memories, and the acknowledgment of the present. but rock and i both know that we would like for the comings and going to stop. we want to make it a permanent coming and staying. for our family. for our health, for our minds, bodies, our hearts.

coverings

2009-11-11T14:29:00.002-05:00

i live in a place,

where dirt is covered by grass.

the grass is covered with clover,

which is covered with newly wet leaves.

they are covered partially by a house,

that is covered by trees,

that are reluctantly covered by fewer and fewer leaves.

i stepped out of my house,

to just be covered by the trees.

i stood beside a cat....

covered with fur.

i took off my cover of clothes,

then my cover of skin.

i removed my cover of flesh,

then the bones one by one.

i was uncovered

because the rain could not touch me

my house did not notice.

but the trees did,

and the cat gave a wink.

passing

2009-11-09T17:31:00.002-05:00

today i went to the funeral of one of our families great patriarchs....while i did not know him all that well, i remember his face at every thanksgiving, his laugh, his jokes, his countenance...i remember his house when i was little with trinket from other lands, books from floor to ceiling, and oh the magnificent fan bike.....you know the stationary bikes they used to make with the giant fans for front tires....i remember it there by the back door leading to the pool where i learned to swim....i have memories of going over for swims after a long day of pilfering through the may's backyard. still smelling of grass and roses...i wore rose oil today for him....for her.

his house is the first memory i have of that weird ancient pull....there were maps, and globes, old books, rugs and the smell of knowledge.....he could have been a secret treasure chaser for all i knew, and that is what i thought at the time, looking back now, and hearing the stories his friends and family told of him, i think i may have been right in my assumption.

he had his own struggles like us all....like in all families we are all concerned for how so and so are doing, how they look better or worse this year, what they have gotten into, gotten out of....he was not immune to this, none of us are. i look at our family and i see so many of us fight with the same demons.... depression, mental balance, extremism..... etc.....etc.... the need to fill up a really big hole where there is a really big question....life is so grand. so much to learn, so much to see, so much to question, to process....and yet we only have this long, or that long to pass through. we collect what we can faces, names, memories, our story.....

so here is to his story.....the great "omniologist" himself....may your questions be answered. may your mind be full, and your heart be fuller.

and on a lighter note, i wish i could join the number of astute men who carry on his legacy, and grow a beard. not really but......i raise my cup to men with beards...!!!

just in case....

2009-11-05T22:16:00.003-05:00

you were wondering....

i am here

you are there.

just in case

you were wondering......

it was in my eyes,

why should i say it now.

just in case

you were wondering.......

i havent given up

i just gave in.

just in case

you were wondering.......

im here,

you are there.

that time.

2009-11-04T10:52:00.002-05:00

i am afraid....

when it is time,

i will be gone.

it will have passed,

i will have slept.

the dreams will have vanished

i will be gone.

2009-10-27T20:42:00.003-04:00

tonight

will be full

of rain

and

fall.

wet leaves

paint cold earth.

somewhere

the wheels creak

and whine.

the fire embers glow.

babies sleep

to the sounds of

the river.

i dream

myself,

there.

getting older? really?

2009-09-21T12:24:00.003-04:00

i dont know what sparked this, this weekend, but all of a sudden while ridding in the car i looked over into the rear view mirror to find a 31 year old starring back at me.....not with one of those 31 year old confident and comfortable looks, but a confused who the hell are you look....i quickly turned to my younger husband and asked....."do i look 31?" stupid question. he replies "well we look alot older than we did when we got married"

see the thing is i havent until recently even felt remotely over 15. granted i felt smarter than a 15 year old....but that is probably all in my head too, and in some ways i have probably dumbed down quite a bit from then. now a days i get tired easy, that has less to do with my age, and more to do with what my days consist of now. my body looks different all of a sudden, my face is shaping into something it has never been before....those laugh lines are finally setting in, and my once girlish figure is being replaced by the body of a mother of 2. i think i am ok with this, but it is a sort of new revelation, and last night it weighed heavy on me. i have always looked forward to getting older, enjoying the time passing, tasting every flavor of every moment. and the moments have come and gone, and i still have all the delicious tastes in my mouth. there are more to come, i know, but this is where i stop and look over the edge of something new, an evident shifting in my life. is this where womanhood starts, the moment we realize truly that we are not "girls" anymore? and i guess this comes sooner or later for others. where is my rite of passage, i need something substantial, something other than a grim face in a rear view mirror. i need flowers, and water, and dirt, fire, salt, earth, chanting, barefeet, and blood. i need women to surround me with stories of how they passed through, how they found their way, how they kept their sanity. because i am finding it harder and harder to makes sense of the things that i see everyday. for some reason i felt that age brought reason, and more sense to the things around. and maybe it will.....but right now i dont see a sitcom ending, a wrapping up and tying of neat bows at the end of 30 minutes of chaos.

i went to talk to a couple of high school students about character today, i was the object lesson of a talk they had had about assumptions we draw about peoples character according to their appearances...first off let me say the hall ways of a high school are about the scariest thing in the whole world.....i absolutely HATED high school...i havent been in one since i graduated, and today i just about had a nervous break down walking past rows of doors and lockers. once in the class it was a riot! my mother in law asked if i could come a talk to her students about experiences i have had with people drawing conclusions about me, and about life in general i guess.....first the students told me what they thought of me at first glance, the responses where hillarious!!!! i loved it! anything from a rocker, to druggie, to worker at spencers...hahahaha! then i pulled out my dreads that i recently cut off after 4 years.....that was just as funny.

it was good to look at them, break down some stereo-types, reinforce some others, and meet some really cool kids. we talked alot about challenging ourselves and each other to go beyond where we are now. how it really just takes one person in your life to believe you are more to help you realize that yourself. i have had the pleasure of having several people who chose to challenge me, and i hope there are more to come. we talked about cultural confines, and breaking down the barriers that our society builds up for us. always ask the hard questions! we talked about realizing our responsibility to ourselves, and the people around us. writing our own life stories, and enjoying others. i dont know if the students got much out of it, but it was exactly what i needed today to confirm that it aint over....i will keep aging, yes, but i still have lots of story to write, i still have lots to learn, i still have laughs to be had, and i hope as the years pass, and the laugh lines get deeper i will carry them with pride. i hope my energy levels keep up with my need to learn and grow, love and be loved. and when they dont keep up anymore i hope to be able to enjoy all of those moments too. we are loved right here and right now. wherever, whenever...may we never loose sight. it is what ties us to reality, it is what fills our cups, runs it over, and spills into others. a love bigger than us, a love brighter than us, a love we cant give ourselves. it is there, it is.

sighting.

2009-09-03T11:33:00.003-04:00

"why did you have to have those eyes?"

i say to the stranger who just walked past....

really?

that face?

those marks?

the shape of those ears?

is it necessary?

to make other people....

with those little bits

that look so much like,

well..........

and in my head

a collage

with mental scissors,

a choppy half remembered picture.

that i dissect,

in random moments i have to spare.

the shape of the eyes

the curve of the chin

with razor in hand.

i would cut your hair like delilah.

but i would be left weak......

to the hills

2009-08-30T23:37:00.002-04:00

i could see you

standing,

waiting.

full belly,

laughter just on the brink.

the old woman

with her balms

her

breath.

you welcome

like a mother

my weary,

broken

faith.

remind me.

testify.

your solid

solid

soul.

you are a boat

a vessel.

carry me gently,

honest,

to the core.

i am present.

fire

inside.

oldies but goodies

2009-08-30T16:29:00.003-04:00

here are a few posts from previous blogs....

this first one is sort of nice because it is basically about what i am doing right now....back home in the mountains on a trip to see my girls....

what a lovely weekend...i was feeling the pull of the highway again, and jumped right .. many hitches, and complications. i decided to make a trip up to asheville to see a couple of my dearest sweetest yummiest friends. the highway is balm to my soul....i cant explain it, but i know some of you understand, and ill leave it at that....there is something to be said about driving so long that when you look up to the sky it starts to roll up in front of you too.....that is where i am home. i think clearer, i feel clearer, i LISTEN clearer....this last thing is the kicker. when i have no where else to go, except straight, no distractions, no expectations.....it is here that i must listen. and i always hear something.....things about being, about belonging, about enjoying, about submitting......ouch........giving up, letting go, reaching out, tucking in, burning off.....my car lurches to keep from catching on fire......so i drove up 20 to 26 where just out of spartanburg i see them......oh yes, them. the blueridge. my mother, my bed.......spring is starting to make her apearance very slowly.....little pink buds swish around on the scattered blooming trees.....and the rhododendrons that are always green sit like old cats swishing their tails along the broken hill sides. i am blood in a vein, i am a peice of drift wood in a river...and i have no choice but to move on.....even after 68 oz. of water i must drive on through the urge to well.....you know.so i met up with my sweet girls, and dove on out to ashville to stock up on yummy things to eat.....raw goodness at its finest.....ahhhhhhh......then off to meet my fabulously inginuitive, highly effecient, sweet cantaloup lovin’ feller friend jerud......for all the sweet asheville mama’s looking for a dude who will do you no wrong.....call me, and i will certianly pimp this one out......jerud put new tubes and tires on my bike, and outfitted me with a cute little bike rack on the back, and made all the wonderful adjustments it would need to make me a stylin’ cyclin’ mama......it was good to see him. and i learned all sorts of interesting things about calibrations, and gears, and angles.....did i mention he is an engineer?so from there back to the girly homefront where all the weight of the world sits just waiting to be un-loaded onto the backs of those who can carry it lightly, and gently for us....with out judgement, with out assumptions. my soul women.....the only thing missing was faryn....so girl, know you were missed.....we stayed out late, and woke up early to the sound of carla giggling about becky being on the couch.....im sure i looked funny with just my big ball of dreadlocks hanging out of the blankets....trying to block out the morning sun that was telling me it was time to wake up....."time for your superfood beck! wakey wakey!"we drove up to see mary’s new place they are working on.....it is absolutely beautiful....the view....well....i guess if i wanted to stare into the heart of the blue ridge every morning i guess it would be alright.....back to the house to piddle with nat’s hair, and go for a test ride on my newly pimped out bike....like butter on a hot knife.then it was time to greet my silvery friend again, and let it carry me back home to my family. and it did just that.....4 hours, and one bad cup of coffee later i twisted my weary muscle back into my house to find my 6 month old crawling across the floor to eat her daddy’s shoes.....and my 5 year old crawling over everything in her path to greet me.....rock sat big grin, messed up back.....glad to have someone there to put the baby to bed....so i did....i shifted skins, slid out of the fire suit that held me so tight....skin on spirit.....burning away the edges to expose only more edges........and floated up and down until i found my way into the skin that holds me so genlty most days.....the skin that feels like mine...the skin that looks like mine, the skin that sits sort of crooked, and wrinkles a little when i walk.....it can hold babies without waking them up to the sound of crackling ashes. and it hammocks the rage, hurt, and emmenseness that the fire suit lets drop so easliy.....this skin lets me sleep. this skin lets me feel gravity, it reminds me to eat when i am hungry, and that my kids need me. i like this skin......i need the other......both are beautiful, and i hope to honor Him with them both. they are not my own. here i am now......a long weekend past. still tired, and here i go

this next one is a blog for my girl ranny....the title....desperate housewives....

so that is what ranny and i have decided we are.....not in a television broadcast sort of way, but i see it as a i need my girlfriend to help me get through, non-dramatic, easy going, keep me from pulling out my hair sort of way. and Ranny is the perfect freind for this nasty nasty job of keeping me sane....i have yet to meet a more lovely mama who is so willing to take what ever life gives her, and make it sweet....she is not delusional, just a true optimist at her finest. i can call her most days, and within minutes one of us has packed up the kids, and has taken the very short walk from one house to the others....where no frontdoors are ever locked, and no knocks are neccesary. the next thing we know the kids have scurried off out the back door to climb in trees, or wreck a bedroom, and we dont hear from them until they are hungry or tired, or to show off the coolest new things they learned to do with jump-ropes....jun is inevitably scooting under foot, or slung over one of our hips, depending on who is making the salad for the day. we pass our time passing stories back and forth about all sort of randomness, from work, to backporch epiphanies....(bathroom epiphanies are more my forte’) but something important always gets said.....wether it is realised at the time or not....i always walk away from a day with Ranny feeling a little stronger, accepted, lighter, and most importantly loved......i am able to bounce any sort of idea off of her, with out any fear of judgement. and to boot she is one heck of a barista....!!!! mmmmmmmm.....a few years ago i posted a blog about finding our tribes as women.....it was based on this very pertinent article...http://www.mothering.com/articles/body_soul/inspiration/feed_soul_feed_kids.htmlwhile my idea of a tribe still was idealy picturesque of half naked women huddled daily around camp fire stirring a large pot of something perfumed with curry, or lugging babies, and baskets up mountians to gather berries, and collard greens, the truth of the matter is it was just going to look like me in my every day here in my house or someone elses....and that was ok. so i tried to find my tribe, met with various mothers on several occasions, tried to make time to start community.....but all of my attempts failed for one reason or another....i was not looking when Ranny and her girls turned into quite literally my tribe sisters....i am so grateful to have her in my life i have no way to expess it, other than to adore the time we have every couple days crafting, eating, laughing, and learning. so to Ranny my tribal chillin’, salad slingin’, coffee brewing, jive talkin’ chilli mama....you are precious to me....may we all find women in our lives to help us through, to help us see, and to make us laugh.....this is my prayer for us all....may we find our tribe.

this last one was a blog about worship

a couple of folks at the fellowship where we go on sundays called a great meeting of the minds a few months ago to discuss a gathering of the people to worship, oh yes i am going ot say it, JESUS! if you dont know me yet, i am in love with some jeshua!!! i will jump at any chance to tell you love stories about him and myself. but most of you who know me know i am not quick to jump into calling myself a "christian" either.....please dont be offended by that, i dont mean it in an offensive sort of way.....what i do find offensive is the churchianity that our culture is trying to sell to us as a plastic packaged form of something that may have at one time resembled something like true faith.....(becky steps down off of soapbox...)it makes my heart break to think of all of the folks who have utterly refused to even think through it because of the scars that have been left on them by the falacy of the modern church of jesus christ incorporated......anyways so we gathered to discuss a one night a month "worship" service where we could let the church use all of its gifts to worship Jesus.....i had the unbelievable chance to worship with chalk on a big ole piece of paper....i used to get my hand smacked for drawing in church, now i was getting to do it as a form of worship to the one i LOVE!!!! hellooooo....the whole place fell away, and it was just the spirit and me....it was telling me what to draw for it.....i could let go of any control i had over it, and let it be....by the time the music had faded, i was covered with chalk from head to toe.....and it felt like i had been hit by a holy mack truck.....there is no way to discribe what goes on in that place....you speak a new language, you feel a new way, you are transformed, the world falls away.....but i want to understand this in a fuller sence. we are made ot worship....whether we realise we are doing it or not....every breath we take, every cell that dies, and is replaced by a burst of new life, every thought, every groan of our soul.....we worship.....we cant escape it....we may not recognise it while it is happening....but we are, it is......i can not do anything without a backing force....i can not make my heart beat, i can not inhale to take my next breath, i can not keep my muscles on my bones by sheer will.....these things are not of me....every moment a master peice is being acted out on my body, on every body, in everything.....each second brings a new explosion of being, and in that, you got it......worship. it is the crying out of the creation to the creator.....expressnig itself as it is.....just how it is....we are.....i am not writting this to preach, if you dont believe Jeshua is the son of G*D , or even if you dont believe in a G*D, i am not a bible thumper....but this is my faith....that the Ancient of Ancients from past the edge of all, created, loved, manifested itself, taught, healed, sacrificed, and broke all the chains that bind us.....it doesnt have to make sence on a grand scale....actually sometimes i stand back, and laugh at it.....but it is beautiful.....and i accept this, because i can not deny it. the spirit of the Unfathomable has met me here gathered me up, and given me a place. and i will Worship............................................b.

i have found it!!!!

2009-08-30T12:50:00.002-04:00

i have been searching for this blog for aver a year. when we got a new computer i lost all of my bookmarks, this being one of them...and when i did finally find the site i couldnt remember my password.....but aha!!!! thanks to nathalie, and her fabulousness i am back online, and can start blogging again....

gardens, and the such.

2007-04-25T14:00:00.000-04:00

full with the dreams of newness.
pouring over the sides.

there are things growning deep here,
things we can not see
unless we dig deep.

but if we dig deep before it is time,
the roots will wither in the sun.
the leaves will turn yellow, and wilt.

so we let them be.
we wait it out.
we look forward.

another poem or two.

2007-02-13T20:25:00.000-05:00

its too cold for me here.
too cold for the pieces of memories.
it is too cold for the thoughts
i have of you.
too cold for the dreams
i have at night.
when my feet are afraid of the floors
that bite at their toes,
i slink around a makeshift house
in socks....oh wretched things.
i sink deep into the shower,
and think of summer rains.
sand beneith my worn down feet,
and you dirty from head to toe
with mountian soil,
and road grit.

a new poem for faryn.

oh yes, another little bit of poetry....
i am pregnant.
nine weeks tomorrow...
i will have to write more about this when i have more energy, and i can keep my eyelids open for more than 30 seconds....off to lala land.zzzzz

just a little.....

2006-12-26T21:02:00.000-05:00

its a cold tues. night here in flo town, nothing much going on...my family all tucked in our little drafty house, with the mice and the spiders....winter is saying hello to us all...
"christmas" is still lingering in the air....a little tree, lilli's little pieces of dry playdough stuck to the cofee table, and wedged in the weaves of the rug underneith it....hana is resting at my feet all curled in a nice little puppy ball....probably dreaming of barking (her favorite past time). rock and i have a movie to watch a little later about sand.
this week we have things to do around the home front...peices of rotten wood to fix, a pantry to finish, a fence to build, chlorophyl to wash off, dust bunnies to sweep, food to prepare, hugs to be had, kisses to trade, people to remember, friends to enjoy, and life in general to live to the fullest....well, we are still practicing the fine art of living...everyday a little more to understand about fullness, and emptyness....
i am looking at an itenerary for a trip to colorado come the begining of january....i am so very looking forward to meeting my dear friend sara (strong heart) for the first time in person....she has been such a great source of sweetness to me over the past year....so across the country i go to lock her hair up for her....and enjoy cups of tea, and stories, and smiles....

well, i will write more about all of this soon, now off to a sandy movie with my favorite person in the world.

im starting to feel again.

2006-11-29T11:25:00.000-05:00

i just realised the other day that im starting to feel a bit more like myself after 3 months of seditives...im not normally one to take meds, but in this case, i realy needed to do something..i have been a bump on a log for weeks now, but i feel as though i an seeing a light at the end of this tunnel....im still gonna be on meds for a few more months, but my body seems to be adjusting to them now....whew...i still look like ive been smoking pot all day...(dry red eyes) and i drink more water than a hippo, but there is nothing wrong with a super dose of high quality h2o everyday. i drove out to hartsville and stayed a while which is something i havent had the courage or the gumption to do in a while, and today im meeting up with a friend for lunch...so even with the cold weather nipping at my heels, and 2 little pink pills everyday telling me i need to take a nap, im feeling like life is making a re-entrance...

thanksgiving was nice and peaceful this year....out to the farm for a taste of the country bumkinness that is the martin family, and then a drive out to dillon for a short visit at havens...poor lille has a had mean stomach virus over the holiday, and a resp. infection to boot...poor miss....she is doing much better now, and she is back to her normal crazyness....

and for jenny, i just got off the phone with you, and im lookign forward to ravioli, here is my blog...hahahahaha...love you chicky mama...

ok, im off to have lunch with the biggest grinner in the world...

bec.

simply fall....

2006-11-20T15:16:00.000-05:00

its getting chilly outside...i went to the grocery today, and got the first rounds of hot chocolate....i think lilli is more excited than me..

i miss friends, i dream in warm colors, and i hope. life right now is a sleepy season....

i am quiet, i am thinking, i am thankfull...
_________________________________________________________________________________
There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the window closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone

endless numbered days.
iron and wine.

_________________________________________________________________________________

poems ive left.

2006-09-20T10:29:00.000-04:00

i wnated to do a copy paste of some of the poems i have sent out over the past few weeks before i lost them....

i am thinking of you with little wings...
whispering tunes of long ago.....
grey hazy stretch of highway....
you beside my heart,
beside the road.
caught on fire with sagebrush
and crimson from the inside out.
do you remember?
do you recall?
there was a time.
all of it, every little last feather still remains
"a poem to faryn"

all things present,
moving like water....
towards the essence of its being.
continually lulled onward,
towards an unseen all encompassing
place
time
being....
blood.
caught up in the current
roaming river undernieth,
free.
free.
free.
"poem for jeff"

thoughts of you,
tucked in with bits of orange,
and peices of goldenrod.
willlows bend,
changing of wind,
there you are
seeing in every direction.
the edges are seemless......
"thoughts on fall for gentle"

there is alot to tell about it all
but it is better held gently,
like water, or air....
always passing,
always flowing,
always aware of the way.
"what i wanted to tell karen"

that is all i can find right now, but im sure there are others lollygaggin around the internet , and i cant remember where i put them...hahhahaha..

new post new post new post....

2006-09-05T11:32:00.000-04:00

yeah, im awful at this whole blog thing....
got off of work early today, im thinking a trip to hatsville is in the near future...
yesterday was my birhtday...i am completely brand new this year....someone once told me your body needs 7 years to completely regenerat new cells for you entire body....well hello mulitple of 7...this is my new year...
i have been battling a nasty stomach virus for the past 4-5 days....it hits me in the most inopportune times...as if there is a good time to have to bolt to the bathroom running like a penguin...but inevitable it gets me while driving in the car...uhggggg...i think i need to go on a raw diet for a few days till it subsides..
i have the zygote of a new song in the works, now it must make it past the men with the music....we are playing with mark mathis this weekend at the beach...ive seen him live a couple times, and he is lovely...im actually looking forward to hanging with his wife jessie she is such a cutiepie..
the kids from hartsville are coming in for the show, so it ought to be a good time...

so i have officially gotten the first few wiffs of fall in the air here in flo town....fall never last very long...we have hot summers, and cold winters, and that is about it...only seperated by a week of mellowness on both ends...both fall and spring wreck me...im a bundle of feelings and memories just sort of plopped on the floor for about a week.....a smell can trigger all sorts of things in my brain...that smell of decaying leaves, north wind, and dirt always takes me to the mountians...roaming with just enough clothing between me and the sky to keep me warm...barefooted walking over rabbit grass listening to the last song of the cicadas.....still warm outside, but harboring the faint smell of burning lumber in fireplaces tucked up in breezier parts of the hills...patchwork quilts thrown out haphazardly on the ground, and feelings....raw feelings.....
yep, its on its way, and i can feel my feet trying to run....right out of these shoes....onto soft places...tucked in trees and covered in moss....where the water in almost too cold to bathe in.

so here i am breathing in deep...one more time...exhale...inhale...exhale...
im off.

r.

a little bit goes a long way

2006-08-12T18:13:00.000-04:00

i feel like my feet ahvent touched the ground since wed. night....to yoga, then to dinner, then to bed....my friend tami called me from willmington nc....and wanted me to come hang out with her and kelly, yet another lovely friend of mine....well tami has been in cali. for about a year now working as a traveling nurse, and living in a surf club thing...surfing to her hearts content, raising puppies, grilling dinners, attending weddings, driving across the country....you know tami stuff...and i got to see pics of all of it....i do love some tami....i havent seen kelly in about 2 years i guess.....she is a teacher around willmington, she lives in a freakin' castle on the inlet with the collest little couple. and of course there is roxy the wonder dog....woot woot...we went out to the beach and body surfed like 10 year olds for hours , and got sunburned.....then went into downtown will. and got stuck in a pub due to a nasty storm...so we had a few beers, and talked about life, and love, and hurt, and healing....all things that eventually come up in a conversation with kelly and tami....out of all of the people i have yet met on this planet these two lovely ladies are by far the most thought provoking people i have ever met....to see tami live in front of you is a lesson in life....to hear kelly speak honesty to you is like listening to the brutalness of the ocean, while being kissed by the foam on the beach....beautiful sisters...
so tonight we are heading back to the beach as a family...rock and lillian and i....we are going to stay at cherry grove for a few days with rocks whole family....ive been looking forward to this for some time now....i just got a call that i can rent a long board for the weekend from saltys, and im so excited i cant stand it....
so off we go...ill write more when we get back...

b.

lunch time at the stead.

2006-08-09T11:06:00.001-04:00

im on my lunch break, and passing through on the way to yet another few hours of baked wonders....
last night i was gonna go to the gym to start arobics again, but the nastiest migraine got a hold of me and wouldnt let go....arggghhh....so i ended up going ot bed...rocky was watching a movie in the room, and i didnt even know it....i was soooo tired...i think i need to start up with some iron, and b12....so im gonna go to yoga tonight, and out with kathy, jerud, and carla afterwards....
jerud made me a funny little llama out of some wine corks the other day, i dont think rock was real keen on another guy leaving me trinkets....its been a long time since someone has left me something like that....but rock has no need to fear....even if it was a romantic gesture,(although im sure it was not) i would be completely oblivious....im not used to stuff like that..i think it made rock upset because he knows that i used to date a feller who would leave me trinkets like that all the time....peices of cloth, old bones, shells, fresh picked flowers....he was bit of a scavenger.....i understood that....so i appreciated it. i told rock about it, and i think to see someone else give me something was a bit threatening....or maybe im wrong....all i know is it was funny, and llamas are the best.
i might run out to hartsville today to see jessie, and mary....maybe do some belly dancing...
i really dont want to go back to work today, but alas....do everything as unto the lord....
bill our new pastor invited us over for dinner, im looking forward to whenever we do that, i feel like we would have lots ot talk about....
this past sunday they made an anouncement that they would be starting classes on dream interpretation, im exctied about that...i dream alot, so it would be nice to be able to get together with a group of people who could understand. i had a dream last night about an old friend, and a rally big building with lots of stairs...im always at the beach in my dreams lately it seems....and there was a sinead o connor concert involved...hahaha. im sure that last part has nothing to do with anything
alrighty, im off to "bake the world a better place"..har har har....yeah i think its cheesy...but that is our slogan...

till then.

sort of busy day

2006-08-07T22:21:00.000-04:00

so its monday, and it was a sort of busy day...i didnt do everything i was supposed to according to my agenda in my head, but good enough for a moday...amen? rock of course was up at the crack of dawn doing everything i feel like i should be doing....making me feel a little well.....little...but that is alright...i dont think he means to make me feel like that, he just does things...
we went grocery shopping for the week, and that is always my favorite part of the week, im being serious actually....i get to go to the asian market, and that is my favorite place in florence....it smells like fish, and weird spices, and old fruit...hahaha...i know that doesnt sound appealing, but when you live in a town where everything looks the same, and feels the same, and oh yes even smells the same it is refreshing to walk into a place that smells slightly bad....and there are shlves and shelves of cans and bags and boxes that harbor strange symbols that i will probably never understand on them.....frozen bags of eel, and jars of what seems to be half eaten octopus....oh yes this is my favorite place....a whole wall of every kind of rice you can imagine, and packages of 100 chopsticks for $1.99....
it is a beautiful thing....
so from there we took hana to the vet for her third round of puppy shots....she is such a cool dog....while there we ran into a very mouthy dad and his three kids....ill leave it at that....im just posting that for my own rememberance sake....
we got home, and took naps....ahhhh sweet nap time...
then up to jim and rock in the middle of some secret society sort of meeting in the living room....i think they are realy a part of some masonic sort of thing....secret handshakes, funny hats, little cars, the works....jim if you are reading this buddy im on to you....
i cooked up some burritoes, and andy, jim, jeff, and michelle came for dinner, it was yummy....i love having a full table....things to keep my hands busy, and wine to drink....ahhhhh a good end to a monday.
so the dog is fed, bathed, and rolling on the couch...
lilli is fed, bathed, and trying real hard to convince us that sleep is over-rated...
rock is fed, un-bathed, and waiting for his wife to get off the damn computer....
and im fed, sort of stinky, and enjoying a few minutes of solitude.
tomorrow i think it will be tuesday.......
b.

me and chef boyardee...

2006-06-28T11:10:00.000-04:00

so im on my lunch break, stopped in to write a little about last night....i went to hartsville for a few hours to see jessie, and ended up driving to charlotte to see john mark mcmillan, mark mathis, and the paper tonges...HELLO!!!! what just happened, it was a full on worship fest...no kidding, people dancing, and musicians rockin it out.for sure...it was a good, random, late, flakey night...jessie and i got to have good talks there and back, she is such an answer to prayer...to have a girlfriend close by is such a blessing, and not only do i have A girl friend, but i have lots of them now...very strong, warrior women, who will tell me im in the wrong, and remind me that i am beautiful all at the same time...so very refreshing, to be covered in the gentleness of JAH through these lovely ladies...they all embody such diffrent traits of the lord...i am overwhelmed....
there is a flood coming, im ready, a flood of newness, of realness, of tangible goodness....i dont want to be sleeping...i dont want to be too busy to care....i want to know the Heart of it all. i am tired of weariness, of numbness, of carelessness...
these things that not only bleed us to death, but injure everyone around us. lost focus, lost identity, lost meaning.....how does that profit anyone, or anything??? all it takes is a turn, a crying, a whisper, a crumbling...then a picking up, a holding, a piecing back together....yep, dont wanna miss that now do we? being whole, being healthy.
give me the papers ill sign up right now,
holding out a cup for whatever,
but nothing less than you.
so everything.
holding out my cup for everything....
droping my clothes, my skin, my bones,
all of the things that hold me together
that stand in the way of all that could be.
reaching both hands,
i am not afraid.
you have not given me that spirit.
you are , and you call me to be.

a long time later.....

2006-06-26T23:19:00.001-04:00

okay, so ive been avoiding the blog....but im here now, lots of stuff going on, im feeling much better than i did in the last post....it has been quite a while...we have a new critter in our house her name is hana she is a puppy with a personality...she is the bestest...
right now she is sleeping peacefully at my feet, dreaming of eating rocks shoes, and running after sheep i feel sure....
next week is vacation week, and way over due...hahaha...we dont have any plans, maybe some camping, some boating, lots of house cleaning..and maybe just maybe we'll finally finish that pantry....argghhh...
so much is going on with work, i dont even have time to write about it...
we have started going to a new fellowship in hartsville, and that has been wonderful...we are going to be on sabatical for the next 4 weeks, and im really sad, im excited about going back to sandhurst where our family is, but im gonna miss the freedom that is very real at the hcf....it is all yeshua....and bill always brings very pertinant messages...like he was reading my mind all week, and decided he needed to have a word with me in front of lots of other people...hahahaha...no kidding...every time it happens that way...like this sunday he spoke on rest, and newness....hello, that is all ive been able to think about for 3 weeks now, how i need to get over things that happened 10 years ago, and seek freshness, i need to trust that the almighty can take me to even better places in his own strength, not mine...i need to let go of what was, and stop striving to gte that back, i need look forward to what is gonna happen today, right in front of me...arghhhh....it sounds so simple, and i know it is, but my conections are severed, all of the wires that connect the brain and the heart are completely wasted from years of over pressure...trying trying trying...
i got to sit with sweet alex tonight on her front porch...i love her rawness, her ability to look you straight in the face, and call it like she sees it....she is so very aware of her brokeness, and doesnt mind poking at it with a stick to get to the bottom of it...i pray for her healing....that all of those wounds will turn to fresh skin again....she is so wonderful...
ok, gotta go to bed...way too late, and im dozing as i write...ill be back..

the really rotten day....

2006-05-15T17:27:00.000-04:00

this morning, i woke up and found our bunny blue dead in his cage....he had been sick last night, and we put him in there so he could be comfy....this is the first pet ive had to bury...it was very hard....the house seems empty even when people are in it....i knew he was gone this morning, cause i couldnt feel his little bunniness in the house. so to top all of it off, i have an upper resp. infection, and i had jury duty this morning...i have to go back tomorrow at 10, then ill be done for the week thank goodness.....so we are just taking it easy tonight, i want to eat comfort food, and take a long hot shower, i want to be covered in the feeling of JAh's hand.

letting it go on by.

b.

the test ....personality profile....

2006-04-24T13:12:00.000-04:00

the teacher.

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
by Joe Butt

Profile: ENFJ
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 23 Feb 2005

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.
TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"

This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!

Functional Analysis:
Extraverted Feeling

Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. In the sway of this rational function, these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.
Introverted iNtuition

Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. In less balanced individuals, such mitigation of the unseemly eventually undermines the ENFJ's integrity and frequently their good name. In healthier individuals, deft use of this awareness of the inner needs and desires of others enables this astute type to win friends, influence people, and avoid compromising entanglements.

The dynamic nature of their intuition moves ENFJs from one project to another with the assurance that the next one will be perfect, or much more nearly so than the last. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.
Extraverted Sensing

Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. These data have, however, a magical flexible quality. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell. (We are not certain, but we suspect that such is the influence of the primary function.) This wavering of sensory perception is made possible by the weaker and less mature status with which the tertiary is endowed.
Introverted Thinking

Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Other scenarios can be shown invalid or at best significantly inferior. Such "Thinking in the service of Feeling" has the appearance of logic, but somehow it never quite adds up.

Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. David's lengthiest psalm, 119, pays it homage. "Law," "precept," "commandment," "statute:" these essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.
Famous ENFJs:

David, King of Israel
U.S. Presidents:
Abraham Lincoln
Ronald Reagan

William Cullen Bryant, poet
Abraham Maslow, psychologist and proponent of self-actualization
Ross Perot
Sean Connery
Elizabeth Dole
Francois Mitterand
Dick Van Dyke
Andy Griffith
James Garner
William Aramony, former president of United Way
Gene Hackman (Superman, Antz)
Dennis Hopper (Speed)
Brenda Vaccaro
Craig T. Nelson (Coach)
Diane Sawyer (Good Morning America)
Randy Quaid (Bye Bye, Love; Independence Day)
Tommy Lee Jones (The Fugitive)
Kirstie Alley ("Cheers," Look Who's Talking movies)
Michael Jordan, NBA basketball player
Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Oprah Winfrey
Bob Saget America's Funniest Home Videos, Full House
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ("Seinfeld")
Ben Stiller (The Royal Tenenbaums)
Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts quarterback
Matthew McConaughey (The Wedding Planner)
Pete Sampras, Tennis Champion
Lauren Graham ("Gilmore Girls")
Ben Affleck (The Sum Of All Fears)
John Cusack (High Fidelity)
Fictional ENFJs:

Joe Hackett, Wings

sinus congestion + belly dancing= very strange night.....

2006-03-28T13:53:00.000-05:00

it is just like it sounds....i have been doing research on kuchi bellydance belts, and whatnots, and i have allergies like you woulndt believe....so last night, i think i got a bit of a fever, so what did i dream about all night...that is right, strange looking belly dancers and turkish drumming....ahhhhh....if that wont keep you up all night nothing will....so im past sleepy today, and i think i may have to take a nap...zzzzzz...hope the belly dancers dont join me ..
on a pleasant belly dancing note, i have found serveral peices of kuchi traditional wear and i think ill be making my own belt, and choli....woohoooo...shakey shakey shakey....yeah i know im a weirdo, but at least it is good in conversation....

off to sleep with me...

oh yeah, i am trying to learn to spin poi also....im gonna be an exotic show all by myself...yeah for flying balls of fire....i love dancing with fire....very soothing, and it deff. keeps you aware...yikes!!!!

b.

the crazy dream....

2006-03-21T23:36:00.000-05:00

so today i decided i would take a nap about 3:00 i had the strangest dream about jim the dreamer...i dreamt i was at a mans house, with him and his dad...the man was a good guitar player...there are some details in there i will leave out for the sake of my own embarassment...hehehe...so anyways...he starts playing guitar, and jim walks in but i cant distiguish betweent he two all of a sudden....i ask if jim lived there, and he says no, i live over there...pointing to what is now an open feild..there is ray of light streaming donw on a spot in the feild..we walk to it, and i hear music start playing in my head, but jim cant hear it...we come up to where he lives and it is a waterfall, and he is building a stone house over it...i can still hear the music, and jim wants to know what it sound slike so i grab one of the stones from the house and start to hum the song...there are a few words ic an rmember about ancient goddess dancing...i think...dont ask...hahaha..so jim then turns into some sort of sage, and asks me to tell him everything i see from here on out in the dream...so we start running down a road it is hwy 12 i know that becaus ei remember seeing the sign..i dont know where it is...so i could see the street signs, and business signs flying past then all of a sudden we are in a corn feild running over the corn...it doesnt feel good so jim tells me to run down the row...i see a girl in a prairie dress cut across the row, and i tell jim...then all of a sudden a tornado hits the field, and as soon as it comes it is gone...i tell jim...then he asks whatelse i see...there is a cabin with a wrap around porch we go to the cabin, where i ask jim if he is in my head or vice verse, and i cant figure out why he picked this time to do this...he told me not to worry he would be back tonight to explain...(well see) so he goes to jump off the porch and he turns into a fox. i try to do the same but i cant turn into a fox like him...an di realise it is beacuse someone is coming...a priest walks throught the gate, and gives me a sash off of his robes, and is consoling me and telling me i shouldnt talk to the dead...i turn to jim and ask him if he is dead...about that time lilli woke me up but i wassleeping with my eyes open...so i didnt finish dreaming it was wierd...rock said i looked wierd when they walked in the room...of course i think i look a little strange all the time...hehehe...
so jim, if you are coming back tonight, you better have answers, and dont be dead, that creeps me out...just do that fox thing again...i wanna try...hehehe..

there are details i left out but it is so very vivid in my head that i dont think ill forget them for a while....

jim if you read this, you need to check out this movie, i have it somewhere, ill see if i can find it...http://www.heroic-cinema.com/films/akira_kurosawas_dreams.htm

like i said, i think i own it, but who knows where it is...i think youd realy like it....

ok, off to bed with me...im gonna fall out...

m.

good show busy day.

2006-03-18T16:43:00.000-05:00

i just got off of work and im soooo tired...whew...what a day....seems like it has gotten busier with an extra decorator in the mix...it doesnt make sence to me....oh well....

the show last night at aroma went very well i thought...the inbetween times were a little choppy, but fun anyways....i shouldve had my stuff together a little better.....that is ok, it wouldve ended up how ever anyways...poor rock is pissed about his bass it fell apart on the way to the show, so he couldnt play it....poor feller...hopefully he can have it fixed soon...i dont think we have anything lined up for the next few weeks,so he's got time....i think we might have something fo rthe 30th but i havent heard back from the guy yet...

tami is in town this weekend....yipeeeey...it is so good to see her, there is a party going down at mariannes tonight for her.....lots of good times for sure...we were talking last night about me taking a trip to see her in malibu...ohhhh yeah that is what im talking about....hehehe...

marianne stopped by my work today to say hey, and check in on me she is so sweet....like honey....she stops by everyonce in a while and brings me the biggest plate of yummy breads and jams for breakfast....it always makes my days go by easier....

im sorry i dont have anything interesting today, just the humdrum of silly girl life....whirly twirly spinning on the earth one more time...

the crazy computer ate my long blog....agggggg....

2006-03-15T15:59:00.000-05:00

oh my gosh i just wrote out htis long post, and my computer ate it....arg.....anyways...

oh well to heck with it....

ive got sinead o'connors hundred thousand angels stuck in my head, and i like it there....mwahahaha...

that is all you need know i guess...

headaches are bad....

2006-03-13T16:40:00.000-05:00

woke up this morning with a raging headache....errrrr.ive been gettin them off and on for the past few weeks, they make me sick to my stomach they are so bad, i guess that would be called a migrane....i call them bad....
i went to the coffee house to shoot up some caffine to try and get rid of it quickly...it feels a little better, i think im gonna lay down a while till rock an lilli get home hopefully it will go away with rest...
on a less painfull note...hahaha...we have a show this weekend on st. pattys day...wooohooo...my favorite holiday...my family is scotch irish, from the highlands of scottland actually, but im convinced the dust of my bones was collected in ireland right on the coastline of county kerry....hahaha....where everything is greener...and the sheep roam free. ahhhh, i do miss ireland....doubt well get to go this year, still paying on the past 2 years, hopefully soon though....that island is magical for sure....sometimes that is a very good thing, sometimes it feels like a very bad thing...but all in all, it is lovely.
okay enough of that....here is a lovely video if it will go through...by sigur ros....yum yum....gonna see if i can do this....here goes.

Dance Music | Apartments For Rent | Myspace Music Codes

florida or mariannes backyard its all the same to me...

2006-02-27T13:42:00.000-05:00

so i was gonna be in fla for a few days, but im still here in flotown...enjoying a mommys weekend off...im living in my dearest friends backyard for 4 days. getting lots of reading done, writting accomplished, drawings drawn, songs written, tea drank, road trips driven, dreadlocks seperated, toenails cut, dreams dreamed, thoughts thunk, dances danced, you know all the stuff you say your gonna do every day, but find a way to avoid it....tending....rock is the most lovely man on the face of the earth, im convinced...what other husband would let thier wife go sleep in someones back yard for 4 days, while they took care of the 3 year old question box????he is supppppa! and sexy to boot....hehehe blushing...
today im going to hartsville to see jessi at the midnight rooster...drink some coffee, read somemore...whatever...then well i dont know from there....i woke up this morning, ripped open the rv curtians, and took in the field behind m.a's house...ahhhhh. im reading by the river peidra i sat and wept...very interesting book written by the author of the alchemist...also a very good book...
tomorrow, who knows maybe a trip to asheville for the day if it isnt snowing up there...i would like to drive somewhere really warm, and dive into the ocean, but southern fla is quite a drive for only 2 and a half more days....my hair needs salt water....i need sand to squish in my toes, water to wash my soul, and sunshine to kiss my skin....ahhhh...im dreaming of summer...why dont i migrate like birds??? it would be lovely if we could grow wings if noly just for the winter long enough to get to mexico...like the great monarch butterfly....love like mad, flap our wings....and fly back....
my dad and i drove to charleston yesterday...went to riverbluff fellowship in chucktown, visited a friend of his at musc, and drove through our old homeotown of goose creek....my skin felt like it was gonna fall off...i think of a face when im there....the grass holds this persons essence...the air smells like them. the buildings were built for them...the roads were paved for them...the trees whisper back and forth about where they are....and i expect at every corner to see them...they are the driver and passenger in every car, and it wrecks my sences....i cant do that very often, it is a test of my faithfullness, a test of my will, a test of my heart...i have loved before...long ago, and with eveything...letting go is gradual and painfull, and until it happens completly we let it rest, make it a part of us, and shine brighter...i left peices of me...i will gather them...they always come back tired and worn out, begging for water, and a place to sleep...
so today ill go somewhere un-laden...somewhere with only semi memeories...with nothing painfull attached...ill let the peices that found their way back last night rest...ill let the spirit take them and explain the rest...why these things still hurt, why i have to be...what that involves...who that effects. taking off our yokes to put on the light one of Yeshua...one of honesty, one of gentleness, one of awareness....things i can not give myself, things i dont understand at all...i need...i need...i need....but i have recieved, so now....i must give.... give.... give....

today like rain or wind or weeds,
tomorrow like dreams or wishes or pleads.
this breath this beat this step this vow,
i hold it high above my brow.
let fire now take what i cant hold,
let water make warm whats turning cold.
a word of prayer on tightened tounge,
a breath of air from sighing lung.
hard like land yet soft like earth
another moment another birth.

all my love in a little tin can.
bec.

been so bad....

2006-02-15T13:11:00.000-05:00

ack, it has been forever since ive written....anything...emails, blogs, messages....arghhhh...i havent been online as much lately....that is porbably a good thing.....gift card conspiracy day was good, i took rock out for sushi dinner....ummmm...it was ok...lots of squid and seaweed....errrrr....
today its just me and lilli, tonight rock and the fellers will be playing....they rock it out....fo sure...
well, now i feel better, ive written and posted apic of sushi....whatelse is there?
b.

jims great pic....

2006-02-02T16:52:00.000-05:00

you gotta go see jims rockin picture in a hula skirt, check it out. he is in my links column, jim the dreamer....hahahaha..i totaly took this pic in our dinning room....he is a riot....

m.

kind of short and sweet...

2006-02-01T00:01:00.000-05:00

this one is for sarah, we pretty much covered the main resons why i chose to call the almighty what i do....i think we toss the name G*d around like a sack of potatoes some times...it is very easy to use the name, and not think about the power behind that name.....when i utter the name Yahweh, it makes me stop and think even if only for a moment....it is a strange name to hear to those of us not of jewish decent...so it catches attentions too...and it is a beautiful way to start a conversation with someone who is far more open to talk to you about Yahweh than the "god" they HEAR about way too much and never SEE...does that make sence??? when i refer to Jesus as yeshua...well actually i have a more personal reason for that....when i can call him by the name that he was actually called in his earthly life, i feel like i am speaking more personally of him....it is like say i have a french friend named lionel....in english we would say it like you see it....like lionel richie....right....but in french you would pronounce it completely diffrent....it would sound more like "yonel"....it puts a bit more of him into perspective...and in the case of Yeshua a bit more of his humanness into the mix....still with me? so basically they are just personal choices that i have made, i dont expect anyone to agree with me, or change their minds. this is just where my feet are right now...
like i said, we have already pretty much talked about this, but i wanted to get it down too....i think scott was little curious also...by the way scott your blogs are very interesting....make me think make me think....thanks for the link....

psalms 119

2006-01-30T01:31:00.000-05:00

im very excited, sara and i are gonna read through psalms 119 together. ill post a little here also about how that is going...she is sucha sweet spirit...Yahweh has truely blessed me with some of the loveliest people in my life....i am so gratefull....

why???

2006-01-24T14:02:00.000-05:00

i told sara i would post a blog on why i chose to call jesus, yeshua, and why i call G*d, yahweh....i promise i will get to this soon....
i went out with a sweet friend last night, coffee, and vietnamese food...yum yum...good talks, good times....more later...

b.

the llama song

2006-01-17T00:04:00.000-05:00

ok, i am gonna go ahead and point this baby out....this cool guy
(wisconsin rob) sent this to me today, and i got a good chuckle out of it...go to my links to the right there, and it is listed the llama song, just click on it, and hit play when it finishes doing its thing....it is silly im warning you...but nothing beats a llama, so dig in....oh yeah, by the way you need to turn on your sound for it....it is a full on song. crank it up baby....oh yeah.

finding your tribe

2006-01-16T23:12:00.000-05:00

yes, i realize she is neked, and no that is not me.
been a while since i posted last...ive been a little busy re-doing a bedroom...it is almost done, one more coat of paint, and some finishing touches, and the "love shack" will be complete...
well, lilli got her first hair cut tonight...we have cut her bangs before, but never the length of her hair, it was almost down to her bottom, and so very hard to take care of....this comming from a woman who doesnt brush her hair at all....hahaha...well, she gave us a fit everytime we tryed to brush her hair, so tonight i took about 4 inches off of it, and now it is really easy to brush....it looks good on her too...makes her look a little older....she spent the rest of the night twirling around the house showing off her new hair to daddy...hahaha...she is such a princess...
today i went to dillon to meet with jenny and brian, to go over thier birth plan. they are the sweetest people on this planet, im convinced....i went to a baby shower for jenny and baby carlisle yesterday, so i got a double dose of the smiley bunch....i wish i had a picture of jenny and brian to put on here so everyone could see them and thier big ole smiley faces....jennys favorite thing to say is "i love yall" the birth plan meeting went very well....i cant wait to see this baby, she is gonna be gorgeous.
tomorrow, back to work.....then home to clean my messy house again...ah the life of a saty at home mom....i think im gonna call charis tomorrow, and see if she would like to get together this week for a finding your tribe session....hahaha...ill have to post the little blerb that cindy posted for us on the forum about finding your tribe.....it was such good reading.

Finding Your Tribe: Feed Your Soul while Feeding Your Kids
By Teresa Pitman

Vicki and I are cleaning out her fridge. The vegetable bins have somehow warped and have to be jiggled out, revealing a slimy green pepper and a distinctly brown head of iceberg lettuce. Laughing at the disgusting items, Vicki holds open the lid of the compost bucket, and I dump in the veggie remains. A minute later my toddler wanders into the kitchen and tugs at my shirt. While I sit cross-legged on the floor and nurse her, Vicki washes out the bins and hands out crackers to her two children and my three year old. Then, with everyone fed and content for a few more minutes, we start on the next shelf of the fridge. By the end of the day, when our husbands arrive, we'll have cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed all the floors, finished a couple of loads of laundry, and prepared a meal for both families to enjoy. And tomorrow we'll do it all over again at my house. I'm not exactly sure how Vicki and I first thought of this way of sharing our time. She had worked with my husband, and when she decided to stay home with her first baby, our friendship blossomed. My first child was born soon after, and we both discovered we were incredibly lonely. The day Vicki brought her daughter home from the hospital she walked into the house and burst into tears. She was terrified by the thought of coping alone with this new baby. I, too, had my own lonely days with my infant son. My husband left for work, taking our only car, before I was even out of bed. The day stretched out endlessly in front of me--changing diapers, washing
clothes, cleaning house--with at best the TV or radio as a substitute for adult company. During the cold Canadian winter, even getting outdoors was a challenge. Vicki and I were spending hours on the phone with each other, but that didn't help. So we hit on this new plan--on one day her husband would drop her off at my house on his way to work. We'd spend the day together, doing housework and caring for our children, and then at the end of the day her husband would come back to our house, and both families would have dinner together. The next day, I'd get dropped off at her house. The routine continued for several years as our babies grew into toddlers and preschoolers, and then new babies joined our families. We did not do this every single day, of course, and some days were more productive than others. Sometimes we spent several hours lying together in bed while our babies nursed and older children played on the floor. We talked and sometimes cried. Other days we took the bus to doctors' appointments or to do some shopping. We discovered that Vicki is a better cook, and I am a better baker. We developed our own categories of housework--I like "wet" work (washing dishes, laundry, washing floors), and she prefers the "dry" variety (vacuuming, sweeping, tidying). We complemented each other. And we always had someone to talk to, laugh with, hold a baby for a bathroom trip, give a hug. When I read Jean Liedloff's book The Continuum Concept, I realized that we had formed our own, very small tribe. Spending our days together satisfied our need for adult companionship without separation from our babies, and working together made all the chores--even cleaning disgusting stuff out of the bottom of the fridge--more fun. Eventually our husbands both found work in other communities, and our daily time together came to an end. But I had seen how important this kind of relationship is for me, and I deliberately tried to recreate it with other friends. Not long after Vicki and her family moved, I was at a church picnic when I saw Lorna for the first time. She and her family had just arrived in our mmunity.
Something about the way she held her baby was familiar to me, and I went up and introduced myself. She, too, was looking for a tribe, as she had recently moved away from her family. Soon my new friend Lorna and I got together every Thursday to bake bread (and sometimes other foods) for our families for the week. She had a bigger house and roomier kitchen, so we generally went there. We split the cost of the ingredients, and as our children played together (by then, I had
three children and Lorna had six), we kneaded and shaped the dough. While the bread was rising, we talked and tended to other tasks. I often brought a basket of things that needed mending, so we could work together while we were waiting. We were there when she miscarried her seventh baby, and she tended to my older children while I was giving birth to my fourth. I still think of Thursday as baking day, even though Lorna now lives hundreds of miles away. My children are almost grown, but I still work with parents. The theme of loneliness is as strong and prevalent as it was when I sat crying on my bed with my new baby, wondering how I'd cope with no one to talk to. Certainly the
desire to overcome isolation is one of the reasons why women return to work; it's a need easily understood by those of us who opt to stay home with our children. We truly are social animals; we need to be with other people to feel good, whole, and happy. It's worth the effort to create tribes, however small and imperfect they may be. Often we try to approach this problem by creating playgroups for our children. I think this has to do with our penchant for independence. We try to pretend
that we don't need to be around other people, but we acknowledge that our children do. The result is often that the playgroup meets the children's needs, but the adults are still frustrated. Create Your Own Tribe In my experience, there are three important components in finding or creating your own tribe (however small) in our very nontribal society. Spend a good deal of time together. Short visits are simply that--visits. Everyone is on his or her best behavior; there is a sense of one person being the host and the other person being the guest. The relationship is still distant. I know that when my sister comes to visit with her children, the first day is inevitably awkward. Even when she tries to help out around the house, she doesn't know where to find things, and I feel uncomfortable thinking that I should be the hostess and not imposing on her. By the second day, though, there is usually a shift. And by the third day we are happily working together and wishing we could live with each other all the time. What seemed hard on day one feels natural and enjoyable by day five. You need enough time to experience the rhythms of the day. You want to prepare food, eat, and clean up, and then perhaps nap together--adults and babies alike. You need to experience both talking and comfortable silences. It doesn't have to be several days in a row, although I think that helps, but even
one day a week will eventually give you that closeness. If it's true for my sister and I, with our strong family history and connection, I
think it is even truer for friends. We are not used to being in tribes, and yet we long for these connections; it is worth persisting until the awkwardness of the early days fades. Work together. This is one of the big differences between having a playgroup and "being tribal." The purpose is not for the children to be "socialized" or have fun (although both of those things will happen), it is for you and your
friend or friends to accomplish some tasks. The satisfaction of completing your work project--even if it is just cleaning the house or preparing a meal together--will strengthen your relationships and help you feel more like a functioning adult. One friend commented to me that cleaning house with someone seemed "too intimate." I suggested she start with meal preparation. Invite your friend's family over for dinner and then just ask her to chop some vegetables, stir the
sauce, or toss the salad. The food will taste better because you prepared it together. You can do other projects, too, such as the baking day Lorna and I enjoyed. I live near an old-order Mennonite community now, and the women frequently come together to can foods, make quilts, and complete other large projects. In fact, the whole community will gather to build barns and bring in the harvest.
Perhaps you and your friend can plant a garden, or you could have a
"mending session," or a time when everyone brings unfinished projects--
crafts, sewing, knitting, woodworking--to complete as a group.
How do you work with small children around? Other friends who have tried this say it can sometimes turn into one person watching the children while the other one works. This has happened to me, too, especially in the early stages when the children were still getting used to each other and a stranger's house. It also tends to happen with new moms, who take frequent nursing breaks and care for their infants.
But both of these impediments are temporary and improve over time. Slings and backpacks make it easier to work with a baby or toddler. There may be days when you feel as though you have not accomplished much thanks to a fussy baby or an older child who has had a difficult day. When this happens, remind yourself that life isn't about accomplishing as much as possible. It's about being together, working with and supporting each other. Try not to be too picky. People who actually live in tribes are born into them. And I suspect that if we lived in tribes there would be people who we would get along with easily and those with whom we wouldn't mesh quite as well. When we are looking for someone to be in our tribe, we are often searching for someone who will agree with us about everything, and we may pass by
some wonderful people by doing that. Vicki and I were initially drawn to each other because we were both young, living a long way from our families, and feeling very lonely. That was about it. We had different ideas about many other things. Her first baby was weaned to a bottle at three months, while mine kept nursing for more than two years, for example. In our discussions about parenting, religion, and politics, we always felt free to respectfully disagree. Respect, I would guess, is the key. It doesn't matter if one of you is a vegetarian and the other eats meat, as long as you can respect each other's choices. Are there places to draw the line? I think we all have our own limitations. I
know that I wouldn't be comfortable spending a lot of time with someone who spanks their children or is frequently angry with them. But I have been able to forge very good relationships with friends who had a different set of rules than I did. Vicki and I now live several hundred miles apart. I have since divorced, and she's started her own business. Yet our friendship is unshakeable. All of our children feel the same way. One day Vicki's oldest daughter--now in her 20s--showed up at my front door with a friend. When I enthusiastically invited them
in, she turned to her friend and said, "See? I told you she'd be happy to see me. I am like part of her family."
Teresa Pitman (44) is a full-time writer and has authored or co-authored ten books. She is the mother of Matthew (23), Lisa (21), Dan (19), and Jeremy(16). Pitman's most recent books are: Pregnancy and Birth: The Best Evidence (with Dr. Joyce Barrett) and Dr. Jack Newman's Guide to Breastfeeding (with Dr. Jack Newman).
_________________
this was the post that cindy sent to us...she is such a sweet mama....i really got a lot out of this, and hope to put it into practice to some degree soon...id like to get a hold of the book mentioned in above insert also....trip to the library on the itinerary tomorrow....check....hahaha...
well, enough for one night, that was a lengthy post to read over, off to bed for this mamasita....ill have to post the llama song next time, or post a link, it is soooo funny.....till the morning comes...itll do you fine.

r.

baskets...?

2006-01-09T10:22:00.000-05:00

might make baskets today, need to go run, need to clean up the messy house, need to do something other than sit in front of this computer...here we go.

super llama on the way

2006-01-08T22:41:00.000-05:00

thought id trow a little supper llama action in the mix....mwahahaha. tonight went well with steven and jim....got lots of stuff covered...i think it is gonna go fine....those guys are so talented i dont dont how it cant....
i still feel like a puffer fish...

im such a geek, yes, i took time to find that picture of a puffer fish, and yes, it is in my photobucket now...gaaaaa...i need to go eat something...hahaha...
good night llamas, good night puffer fishes, good night all that is strange and slightly humorous in the world...sweet dreams.

b.

sunday....like a puffer fish.

2006-01-08T15:56:00.000-05:00

i feel like a big ole puffer fish today...ahhhh steroids...i hate these things...only 2 more days...i dont think they actually did anything eccept help me put that 10 lbs i worked so hard to get off back on....arrrghhh....oh well. i think ill go to the therapist next week, get a new opinion...i think it has more to do with my actual spine....
this week has sort of rolle on past, not much happening....jim and i had a good chat about school the other day...thanks jim...i think im gonna enrole in the fall for classes...im looking forward to that class room smell, and being so bored in class that i write songs and poems....that is exactly what i need...hahaha. higher education here i come.
im meeting up with steven to go over some music tonight, i hope it goes well, ive got a list, but im open to whatever..im excited to see how the show is gonna come together...i think im gonna get started on making a
"back drop" of sorts to take with me when i play shows....something made out of sticks, and vines...and little copper birds...or stars. we'll see...
tomorrow im meeting with the ladies to start the captivating study...i realy think it is gonna help in so many ways to connect. a sweet new mama charis is gonna join us, im ver excited she is joining us, she has such a uniqueness about her...very gentle, and real.
i feel so choppy today like a churned up ocean, just sort of crashing on things...beating out a rythm. but nothing i can make out....
i think ill go do some bead work and loose myself in a stitching daze....

strong like a feather.
b.

another monday....

2006-01-02T22:47:00.000-05:00

lilli and i ended up sleeping in a little bit today....8:30....for all of you parents you understand that 8:30 is deff. sleeping in....but i didnt get to sleep until 4 in the morning the night before...im still awake now obviously, and a little edgey...im having to take some nasty steroids to fix my nerves in my back, and they keep me up all night....arrrrggghhhh...i have to be at work at 4:30 tomorrow morning....but ill get a nap tomorrow hopefully...
im not realy looking forward to going back to work tomorrow...rock and i have been having lots of talks about what the heck im doing...which doesnt seem to be a whole lot right now...just making it through....sometimes that is all you need, but i feel very unproductive right now....i get up so early in the morning for work that i am tired the rest of the day, and i end up loafin with lilli doing much of nothing...we should be learning things, but.....im not very happy with my job right now either...but there are loyalty issues at hand, and im not sure what im going to do....i am thinking of going back to school for my massage therapy licence...i could have it done in lesss than a year if my work is willling to work with me on schedules....rock is very ready for me to start thinking about opening a community center with some friends of mine....make it an all purpose sort of place where people can come to be healthy in all ways....fitness, yoga, dance, music, arts, massage, tea, relationships....etc....im not sure if im ready to even think about it...i was trying to tell him that when there are so many people involved i dont want to have alot of thought into it, and then have to change everything after we all lay it out on the table, id rather go in with a clean plate, and "sample at the buffet" if you will...then figure out if i even want to be involved...i just hope that isnt a cop out....well see...
i start meeting with the ladies from work next week at the coffee house....im very excited about this, we are doing a study of captivating...a book by staci eldridge about women's hearts...it is a beautifully wirtten book....she has a lovely way of dispelling the myths of what it means to be a woman....a REAL woman....in the first few pages she speaks dirrectly to the center of all that i feel about my insecurities as a woman, wife, mother, friend....she talks about her own issues with our cultural ideas of womanhood, and how the "church" is really slacking in the area of grace....but instead puts us into the positions of having to be be be...something we can never add up to...."if you only do this, you will be enough, or if you can just get over this, you will have it together,....this is NOT the gospel....Yeshua holds me gently just like this. insecure, teetering, dizzy, and dreaded....we all are.....why not admit it...??? well maybe not all dreaded...i had the most awsome talk with my sweet sista tami when she was in town a few weeks ago on the way back from picking her up from the airport....she has been experiencing deep levels of hurt lately, and she had a lovely talk with a friend of hers, and she shared some of that truth with me....i reallllllly needed to hear it....she said,"we try so hard to compare our lives" at first i thought she was talking about comparing our lives with others, she quickly said'"to what we think we should be, where we think we should be....how we should be facing things....when we should feel better....." oh yeah, i get it..."like i should feel better from this hurt after i........, or i should be over this situation by the time i am......" you get it?....her friend spoke pure truth to her, and said, "you might not ever get over it, but that is the point, it turns into a bit of who you are, it shapes your personality, the space you take up on the planet"...why do we try so hard to hold these things back when all we have to do is accept it, hold out our hands for support, and get back to the dirt of it....i love being broken, cause when something divine happens i can look at for what it is....not my doing....most of me falls through cracks...some of me is just sort of hanging on to my frame....of course to look at me, you would think that part is deffinetly on my hips....hahaha...
i guess i could go on for hours, seeing as how im not getting to sleep anytime soon, but im gonna scoot, and meander the halls of the cyber world for a while....
all my sprakelyinessssss

the naked dream....

2006-01-02T00:26:00.002-05:00

ok, this is it, i stayed up last night making this up for you jim...i hope this finds you in good spirits, you seemed down at marianne's.

ok, so you are standing in your room, and you hear a knock at the door...knock knock knock....to your shock, it is an old friend from high school....you can fill in who ever you want here....so anyways, there is your friend...and sudenly, you realise you are butt naked....ahhhhh...you are shocked, and a bit confused....because not only are you completely naked, but you are surrounded by small furry woodland creatures....taking all of this in, you look up to see the shock of your friends face only to realise what this must seem like to them.....you pause momentarily to take in the situation, rally any form of excuse you may have, and your friend politely shows themselves out, and leaves you to find your bearings.....the only thing you can think is "if only i had a roll of double sided sticky tape....all my troubles would come to an end..." while franticly looking about the bedroom for somesort of sticky tape the addhesive fairy floats through the corner window with out a sound and sticks 3 squirells to your very privatness....and a badger to your backside....and just because you seem to be the sort that might appreciate it 2 chipmunks to your chest....oh yes chipmuncks...in all thier stripey glory...you feeling much better about the sittuation, but not really sure why this is such a relief to now be wearing the animals as loin cloths of sorts. you see yourself out into the hall where your freind has been waiting for you to pull yourself together.....so you commence in the banter of this and that only to find that your friend has just come by to see if you are going to your 10 year reunion....you are a little surprised because you know they will tell everyone else they ask about the little incident with the "critters"....and if that wasnt enough, you both realize that your friend also is now completely naked, and all that is left in the hall way is a jar of play-dough and a sharpey pin....what on earth will you do?......you wake up from you dream with a sudden jolt covered in a cold sweat from head to toe, confused and shaken....with tiny scratches across your chest and the faint smell of ferret in the air.....

the end.....

i hope you like it, and if it really what you dreamed, well, keep it to yourself....hahaha....happy new year jim....this is the first thing i did this year, make up a story for you at 12:0somethingorother in the morning...january 1st 2006....

blessings.
b.

another day in flo town....

2005-12-29T15:45:00.000-05:00

yep it has been just that....im patiently waiting on tomorrow...i hate that i waste a day away, but sometimes i feel like there isnt anything to do...ack, i cant belive i just wrote that when i know there are a million things to do...
today we ran some errands the run of the mill detergent, toilet paper, batteries kind of errands....i started crocheting a baby blanket for jenny's little one on the way....im so excited, that kiddo doesnt stand a chance of a misserable life....she is gonna come out with a full set of teeth shouting "i love yall'" just wait and see....
i got a call from another mama i was gonna help with labor....she called to tell me she had her baby boy on tuesday via c-section....wellllll....they said the baby was too big for her to birth naturaly, i held my tounge and didnt give her the "your body is perfectly capable of birthing babies" schpeele....oh well...i didnt feel like that was neccesary...
i am excited for her and her new family...he was 10lbs 3 ounces...he was a big boy...
tonight, i am working up an italian masterpeice for my fellers, manicotti, and bread, and whatever else they want to pull out of the cabinets...
on to the next subject, im having an interesting time watching peoples reactions to my hair....i have been dreading it out for 3 months, and it still looks like a big pile of well......you get the picture...this isnt worrying me, i know they take a while...im learning great lessons in patience. im guessing 3 more months and they will look something like locks...ive given up doing anything to them other than the occasional salt water bath....that leaves my face all salty, and my pillow gritty...so long as my feet stay clean in the sheets we're doing alright......anyways...ive been noticing the very frequent lip curling, eye slanting stares lately. they dont realy bother me so much as they make me more aware of the everpresent "grown-up highschoolers" .....
well, i dont need to stay on much longer, lilli woke up from her nap, and i need to scoot., but ill wirte more when i can....

here i am fuzzyiness and all....

2005-12-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

i was telling jim that i wanted to start my own blog just to make up a story about his dream, so here i am....hopefully this will be constructive , but right now any reason to write is a good reason....so here's to you jim....im gonna have to think of a good one....

dinner at my house....tonight.

Fact:

the never blog post.

Kinda sad

nothing much

slow down and heal up.

soooooooo long.

points of view.

cake or death.....

what to do when your friend moves away.

sooner than i thought....

an update....well not really.

a girl, camping. alone.

today.....

new blog!!!!!

ALOT!!!!

for the record.....

10 things

so call me a liar!

i am drawing....

so today i.......

more a question than a statement.

just a note from the queen......

write a song.

dear crappy day, you were crappy....im glad you are almost done.

HAAAAAAAAAAAALP!

check yo self!

booootay'licious.

clean sheet day!!!!!

a good wife, a good mother.

chasing dreams.

today i learned...........

nom nom nom.....

eeeeeeeeeeeeek!

slip through.

10 reasons why i dont need to drink rum.

you know what i like?

why the dog food runs out when i am broke and other spiritual conundrums.

i just wanna die....

that time when.....

the last time i saw you

where the earth fell open.

soon.

coverings

passing

just in case....

that time.

getting older? really?

sighting.

to the hills

oldies but goodies

i have found it!!!!

gardens, and the such.

another poem or two.

just a little.....

im starting to feel again.

simply fall....

poems ive left.

new post new post new post....

a little bit goes a long way

lunch time at the stead.

sort of busy day

me and chef boyardee...

a long time later.....

the really rotten day....

the test ....personality profile....

sinus congestion + belly dancing= very strange night.....

the crazy dream....

good show busy day.

the crazy computer ate my long blog....agggggg....

headaches are bad....

florida or mariannes backyard its all the same to me...

been so bad....

jims great pic....

kind of short and sweet...

psalms 119

why???

the llama song

finding your tribe

baskets...?