Facebook withdrawals.....

So I deactivated my facebook account about 4 days ago. I have done this once before with a great deal of wonderful consequences, such as books were read, songs were written, house was cleaned....etc.. etc....It was awful for the first 3 days....Just like coming off of any substance I went through withdrawals. Facebook is no different. It releases all sorts of chemicals into my brain, telling me that I need to constantly post about what I eat, where I am, what I will be doing, how I feel about the world, what my favorite color is....you know stuff no one cares about on a daily basis. While I can normally resist the urges to post about bodily functions, don't think for a second that my mind isn't racing in status updates as I am sitting on the toilet! So I am admitting it, I have a problem. But I don't think I am the only one.
I think lots of interwebbers have facebookitis! You may not see us every day, or hear from us. But we are there, spending hours scanning the profile updates of people we haven't seen in years, silently commenting to ourselves about what we should say to that offensive slur posted by a "friend", pilfering through photos of people we don't know comparing the size of our thighs and breasts and levels of fun. Don't lie to yourself and say you haven't at least once. And if you haven't, well.....good for you, you have transcended! I covet your level of maturity and self-control!
But until I reach the sacred 7th ring of mental clarity I will be absent from the scrolling updates of my own narcissistic banter.
So instead I will do the next best thing.....I will ramble narcissistically here on my very on blog! :)
I will type out my feelings, what I am doing, what I am eating.....I may stay away from bowel movements for now.....maybe.
I hope at some point to see some resemblance of my true self. Not the one who has been watered down and muddied by constantly subjecting myself to everyone and everything at all times.
I know this post sounds horribly selfish, and absorbed, but I am going to be gentle with myself, because well.....I am having facebook withdrawals.

Fact:

Fact: I have everything I need to be exactly who I am.

the never blog post.

this is the post set up for the things i can not say,
should never say,
will never have the nerve to say,
or wouldnt find the words anyway.

one day i may have the nerve.
one day i may find the words.
one day
till then, they get to live here
between lines
between letters
in secret
safe.

Kinda sad

So ive been sort of in and out of the funk already this winter.....stupid cold funk....that along with some pretty major life changes have put my head into a bit of a spin. My insecurity level is just about to peak out at 1075%. I generally wake up with a wandering around in the dessert sort of feeling. I have no doubt that this is exactly where i am supposed to be right now, but my tear ducts are definitely tired. I have found myself being ridiculously sensitive about things that normally I would blow off like a feather. My faith isn't shaken, more my identity. I know the two go hand in hand, but when i say identity I mean more like the what the heck am i doing, what do i love, what do i have to offer sort of thing. Once someone told me that shouldn't be a question " you are a mother and wife" well anyone who knows me knows that one really got the house a rocking! It is true, i am a mother, and a wife, but what happens when a new season of my life comes to play and i have not fostered the woman i was created to be? And how can i be available to the people in my life if I am not fully here? So this season of healing will also come with a deep rooted questioning. I am scared shitless! I haven't done this in a long time! But i guess that is all the more reason for it. If you see me crying please hug me. It passes pretty fast, and i normally follow with a laugh.

nothing much

nothing much changes here.

the leaves,

the weather,

our age,

those are the exceptions.

nothing much changes here.

you will always

have a home,

have a bed,

have a meal.

with us, with me, with him, with her.

your faces fade in and out,

but stay the same with us

right here,

where nothing much changes.

slow down and heal up.

so i am going to lay it all out!

i am broken.

i dont have it all together....(not that anyone was ever convinced i did.)

i suffer from severe bouts of depression, that come and go as they see fit. and always at the most inopportune times.

i am pretty sure that i could win the worst mother award on any given day.

i am scared.

i embarrass myself often.

i need a whole bunch of everything

this list could go on for a while......

but the problem with this list is that all the lines start with i. now, to be completely honest that fact just makes me want to add another line to the list, but i have to stop.

it doesnt matter. we are all broke up!!!! just some of us hide it better than others.....i just happen to be as transparent as a freaking fish tank now a days.

somehow the list needs to change from being ruled by the me's and put to rest by the HIM.

he has extended grace for all of this. and when the time comes to change things up i have to have faith that not only can it be changed but He will equip me with what i need!

i need a lot right now. i do. honest. but i dont think He thinks any less of me, or loves me even an ounce less than he does when i dont feel like i need so much. in fact when my kids need something desperately it may seem i love them more, because i get to make my love manifest.

so right now i am giving up. i am slowing down, i am holding out my hands, i am asking for healing and restoration.........with no apologies.

time to slow down and heal up!

soooooooo long.

i have been horrible about posting here....but im gonna get back on it soon. ummmm promise.....