slow down and heal up.

so i am going to lay it all out!

i am broken.

i dont have it all together....(not that anyone was ever convinced i did.)

i suffer from severe bouts of depression, that come and go as they see fit. and always at the most inopportune times.

i am pretty sure that i could win the worst mother award on any given day.

i am scared.

i embarrass myself often.

i need a whole bunch of everything

this list could go on for a while......

but the problem with this list is that all the lines start with i. now, to be completely honest that fact just makes me want to add another line to the list, but i have to stop.

it doesnt matter. we are all broke up!!!! just some of us hide it better than others.....i just happen to be as transparent as a freaking fish tank now a days.

somehow the list needs to change from being ruled by the me's and put to rest by the HIM.

he has extended grace for all of this. and when the time comes to change things up i have to have faith that not only can it be changed but He will equip me with what i need!

i need a lot right now. i do. honest. but i dont think He thinks any less of me, or loves me even an ounce less than he does when i dont feel like i need so much. in fact when my kids need something desperately it may seem i love them more, because i get to make my love manifest.

so right now i am giving up. i am slowing down, i am holding out my hands, i am asking for healing and restoration.........with no apologies.

time to slow down and heal up!

soooooooo long.

i have been horrible about posting here....but im gonna get back on it soon. ummmm promise.....

points of view.

"if a few people at the top can make the bad news happen, then why cant all of us at the bottom get together and make the good news happen".......(a very beautiful quote from a movie)

the truth of the matter as i see it....
the only Good News comes from the Very Top and puts us all on level ground.

i see both of these sides, and live in both of these sides.....is to follow one to compromise the other?

how do you feel about it?

FEAR NOT, LOVE ALL!

cake or death.....

so at the risk of sounding all narcissistic, i must blog about the excitement in my life right now.....this weekend i went to the regional rba competition, and WON!!!! therefore, i shall be heading to las vegas to compete in the national cake decorating competition. HOLLA!
here are the cakes i made durring the 3 hour competition this weekend.

what to do when your friend moves away.

*quick awkward hug.
*get in car.
*put in CD.
*turn up music real loud.
*drive like you are angry at the road.
*avoid hitting pedestrians.
*get groceries (because it is therapeutic).
*drive the same road home.
*keep singing loudly.
*cry.
*make a list in your head of all the things you wish you could say........
*pray for friend.
*get home.
*get out of car.

please note this is not the order these things must go in, only the order in which i worked them out tonight.

sooner than i thought....

so like i was saying.......

guitar.

cake.

camp.

solitude.

hoop.

an update....well not really.

sorry i have been MIA. i have been getting back into my working routine....bahhhhh! i have also been keeping very busy with a life full of wonderful things to keep me smiling. per request of sara i shall be taking pictures, and in the next few days i shall make a blog post with only pictures! how bout that?!? see you then.

a girl, camping. alone.

yes, earlier this week my family dropped me off in jones gap with a tent, a hula hoop, and a whole lot of time. when i told people that was what i was doing for vacation there were mixed emotions about it, from "that is going to be so nice" to "wont you be lonely?" to "what! a girl in the woods, alone!!!!". this is what i found was the actual feelings i had about the situation once i got there.....

all of the above.

yes, it was so unbelievably fantastic to sit on "my sitting rock" in the middle of the river for an hour or two, without being talked to, looked at, asked of. it was fun to scamper up the hill to find my fire wood. i felt great achievement as i started up one of my famous camp fires in less than 1 minute. i soaked in the sounds, smells, and textures of the deep woods. watched ants run from spiders, spiders run from frogs, frogs run from me. i ate fruit fruit and more fruit. walked the trail to get water about 6 times a day, and drank all of it. i felt clean, even though my body was filthy from top to bottom. my hair was gross, my face covered in ash, and my feet were beautifully coated with all sorts of dirt, twigs and soot. my clothes, which consisted of a bathing suit top and my tore to pieces camp pants, were permeated with the heavenly scent of wood smoke, and the aroma de becky. i am not going to lie, it was great. but it was also scary. i was made aware of the fact that i sort of live with fear on a day to day basis.... granted there is some rational behind being slightly more aware of your vulnerabilities when you are all alone in the woods. i wasnt worried about bears, or bob cats, i was worried about predators of the human persuasion. see i like to think i am a self sufficient, do it all, get it done, i dont need your help kinda gal. to an extent i am, but there is great comfort in knowing that someone has got your back.

i had been alone for a while, not spoken to a soul, just me and the river. loneliness had crept in, and i wanted to welcome it for a change. i wanted to ask it some questions.....

just above my camp site on the trail is a little ridge that kept me from seeing over the trail. as the dusk set in and the smoke from the fire rolled over the boulders, i ran a mental inventory of the people in my life past and present. i saw each person walk over the ridge and into my campsite. i wanted to know what i honestly felt about each person, and why i wanted them there, or not.

i know all of this sounds stupid, but it was very therapeutic for me in a way. i saw my husband walk the trail, and i knew instantly i was safe. i was loved. i saw my friends come into my campsite one by one, and they brought new dimension, each one. i saw old love walk in and out. it was easy to let them go in peace. then as i sat there i realized that the one person i really wanted to walk over the ridge more than anything in the whole world was Jesus. i couldnt see him, i just knew it. the answer to all of my questions, the love that surpasses all loves, the comfort, the strength, the healing. i went to bed all by myself that night, but i wasnt lonely. yes, i was in the woods all by myself, but i knew that even if no one ever walked over the ridge again He had promised to never leave me or forsake me.

i had crazy dreams about raccoons all night. woke up stoked the fire back up for breakfast, and enjoyed another day of sitting in the sun on a river rock. read the last bit of the book i have been putting off for months, hula hooped, sat some more, stood up for a bit, and even went on a hike. i was glad to meet my family when they got back to get me. i felt refreshed, and rejuvenated. i knew there was a reason why i felt such a deep need for time in the wilderness. i am especially glad that i got it.

now to remember.

today.....

today freakin' rocked!!!!

new blog!!!!!

i have decided to set up a new blog completely devoted to hooping and all things awesome!!!!so basically hooping and the killing of zombies..... except minus the killing of zombies. well maybe i could figure out how to kill zombies with my hoop.....hmmmmmmmm...? anyways.....so go here if you want hula hoop goodness, and follow my ridiculous journey if you dare.

ps. my husband totally got me the zombie combat manual today, and i love him a whole bunch for it. im sure he will love me a whole bunch when i fight off a million zombies with just a swiss army knife one day. thanks babe!

ALOT!!!!

today across town my friend b. is getting a new puppy!!!! and i am excited for three reasons

1. he is getting a puppy.

2. he is naming it "ALOT".

3. he has bestowed me with the great honor of being the dogs "goshmother" i would say godmother, but i dont think it works that way.

the reason why this is the best ever is because of this. please go read this, it will make you smile in a big way

so welcome to town ALOT! i cant wait to meet you!

for the record.....

the i cam on my mac puts about 15 extra pounds on my ass!!!! seriously, i am standing here in front of a mirror and i dont look like what you are getting ready to see. but alas.....so i have been chatting about this hooping thing, and figured id make a little video....so here it is. i am in my living room, and had just destroyed my ceiling fan light pull, so i am being very timid with my movements. if i was outside i would be jumping, spinning, pumping, and grinning. i hope to get a chance to video some more of the stuff i am learning, but like i said i am inside, and cant get the range of motion i need for some of the more fun tricks. also i hope to post some pics of the new hoops, i made a really fun weighted hoop today, that is sure to kick my butt and make me shed a few extra pounds in the process....cause evidently according to this video i have gained all the weight i lost.....but i call its bluff.....! oh yes by the way i do go all super girl flying back into the room after i roll that bad boy down the hall....just sayin', watch for it.....:)

10 things

it is list time.

and i need to remind myself again that there are things that i like right now.

ready? please note these are thing i like today, and are subject to change at any moment, well, cause that is how i roll.

1. hula hooping, and i mean i like it in a big way, like if i wasnt married, and it was a human i would marry it. pretty much!

2. playing the piano. i play like a two fingered armadillo but i like it anyways.

3. being asked to sing on the worship team at newspring. seriously it makes my day.

4. making hula hoops.....see number 1.

5. the smell of grilling food. nough said.

6. water

7. my friend brandon is getting a new puppy soon, and might name it ALOT.

8. did i mention hula hooping?

9. my avocado tree.

10. rainbow and kittens, no just kidding, well yeah i like those too. but i like llamas better.

so call me a liar!

yes, i said i would be coming back today with an illustrated depiction of my last week, but alas.....i have something better to write about today, that involves snot and stuff....so hold on.

so some background....(isnt it funny how simple things can go years back)

years ago, and i mean like over a freakin decade....yes, i am old enough for that, i was found....yep found by love. and when i say love i mean like a Holy Spirit baptism, Jesus in my heart kind of found. the only desire in my heart was to buy a bus, go on the rainbow trail, and wash dirty hippies feet....i mean that in the most literal way. i wanted to have a camp where you could come, eat, rest, download, and have someone wash your sore tired feet, cause well, i believed what Jesus said about being servants. and that was where my heart wanted to serve....if you are looking perplexed wondering what the heck the rainbow trail is please go here.....(i wish i knew how to make a hyperlink) http://www.welcomehome.org/rainbow/main.html

okay, so fast forward a bit, i never hit the trail, i was young, naive, insecure, and fearful of the unknown of life on the road. even though i was CONSTANTLY reminded that our Father will take care of us no matter what! please note, being taken care of doesnt always mean being fed or covered or wealthy or even liked. but it does mean we will be FULL, BLESSED, RICH, and LOVED!

so fast forward a bit more, life has made its own trail, and i love this trail, it has brought me here, do i wish i had hit the woods? somedays.....would i change anything right now? not a chance. okay, im lying again.....hehe.

so through the years i have become sort of numb to the fact that God can sustain us, even though He shows me these things every single day in some way shape or form....seriously, he spoke through dog food just a couple of weeks ago, im a slow learner. it is easier to live pay check to pay check putting our faith in the dollar, that it will be there, and when it isnt we collapse.

the past few weeks have been very hard, because i dont feel right here, i feel misplaced. i go numb easily because it is easy to work hard, get stuff done, go to bed and start all over again. my faith in Jah is put on hold and my faith in the system grows, leaving me wanting, and withered. i can see it happening and cant make sense of this held up the knowledge that no matter what HE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME!!!!! and better yet, MY FAMILY!!!!! i have been feeling like there is no place for this in our mainstream society, no living from one moment to the next, and i was getting frustrated. until today.

wed. is payday for me. we have been tight lately, who hasnt right???? i go to the bank, count out the tithes, put some money in an almost over-drafted account, and head to the grocery store knowing whatever i need to buy this week needs to stay under approximately $15, but i have a family to feed, and of course the dog food is gone, cause well, that is the way it works ALWAYS!!!! so i walk in get the essentials, on sale, and make my way to the line.....a sweet soul sister that we have known for years in standing in front of me in line...pays for her groceries, then turns around as i am unloading, and looks at me all perplexed.....she says, " do you have a discount card?" i tell her i do, and she asks me to put it away, she has one and she is paying for my groceries.....!!!!! this is where the snot comes in, cause i turned into a blubbering 3 year old in the middle of isle 1, i kid you not, the bagger was very concerned for me, bless his heart! so she pays for my groceries, minus the dog food because i feel it is my spiritual duty to buy dog food now, (dont judge me) hugs me and walks out. here i am still crying wishing i had windshield wipers on my broken glasses as i walk out of the door.

my sweet friend blessed me in ways i can not possibly begin to explain to her, but what blows me away like a freaking hurricane is that i know she was acting on the beautiful voice of our Daddy, and the fact that He cares enough about me and my family to bless us today just shakes me to my core!!!! man He is good at that stuff!!!! and in all of this, He is reminding me to listen to that still voice that has been calling me to bless someone in particular for a while now. i just havent had the faith or the means to do it. one has to hear and heed that voice to understand when its hand gives to you. does that make sense?

anyways i worked in the snot, so i have held up on my end of this post. whoever is reading this I LOVE YOU! my love is broken, but i would love to wash your feet.

b.

i am drawing....

i am in the process of drawing this past week out for a blog post, so just get ready for the freak show to begin.....to be continued soon.....

so today i.......

was working, and you know doing that cake making thing, when i was overwhelmed

with the insatiable urge to make a hula hoop....any of you who know me are not

surprised by this in the slightest......so here i am, fumbling through the yellow pages

to find some prize jewel, some glimmer of hope for the ever sought out 1" 100 psi

tubing.....

no, not that kind, the irrigation kind....it is what hoops are made of in the wild

evidently.so i call all sorts of places, irrigation places,

plumbing places, hardware

places, candy stores (okay, maybe i wasnt looking for

tubing then), you get the

picture.....and everywhere i calledi was all like

and then they were all like......NO! so i cried a little

inside.....dont worry i

got better. so anyways i look to my

decorating mentor and say "oh dear

decorating mentor, i am in a bind,i need tubing!" and she was all like.....

and i was like.....um...na, the other kind. and she

asked me

"what cha need it for?"

at which time i explained to her i was a ninja and

couldnt reveal my secrets.

she accepted said explanation and suggested i try

the one place i had not

looked......so i picked up the phone and called sort of waiting for the let down....

the nice lady answered and i bleated from the other end of the line.....

"do you have tubing?"

and she was all like......

and i was all like, "no the irrigation kind" and the

voice on the other end rang out like a heavenly

bell!!!!!!

YES!

and i was all......

WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!

so here in our little town resides the famous ever so hard to find 1" 100

psi tubing that all hoop makers covet, and get this

for only $25 for 100

feet!!!!! so when i got off of work, yes, a very hard

productive day of work......

(dont judge me)

i went to find the "hula grail".

came home with a load of tubing

(no, not that kind)

and big dreams!!!!! i sat down at my work bench

and whittled out 2 glorious hula hoops! ill post

pictures later.

but after my hoop making i was all like

and that made me pretty much feel like this......

the end.

more a question than a statement.

i am going to be completely honest here, I AM TIRED! not in a i need to go to bed sort of way, but in a I NEED A FREAKIN' BREAK sort of way. vacations are too few and way too far between. and sometimes "vacation" just dont spread the butter. i keep reading in scripture where Jesus went into the wilderness to basically recollect. so here is the question....how does a full time working, wife, mother of 2, doer of things slip out and into the wilderness to rest her weary bones and recollect? or do our bones really not matter, and should we pick ourselves up by our boot straps and keep on truckin? i am pretty sure we do matter. but that's all i got.

weary,

b.

just a note from the queen......

of insecurity that is....

just a friendly reminder that we all know and love people with insecurities.....some hide them well, some not so much, but we keep on loving them right???? i mean in big ways. because we can see them for who they are....so here is the thing.....for those of us with insecurities.......the people who love us, feel pretty much the same way....they still love us. yep....let it soak in. ahhhhhh......how was that?

while insecurities hold us back, we still have them, and gotta deal with them. take your time, pray it through. we will do stupid things that give us away, but just keep on truckin'! i am a firm believer in the fact that we arent presented with a problem unless it is able to be fixed. and i am also a firm believer in the fact that i cant fix anything, so, well. but here is the promise.....ready......no actually you go find it yourself....go read philippians 1:3-5.

ill talk about this more later. but i must go find beth moore's new book about the subject first or else toni will have to pray for my soul forever. hehe.

yall love hard, love real, love right!

write a song.

you,

you are prime for a song

to be written about

you.

full of the promise

of rhymes

rhythm.

a three step

with a swing.

the kind

that makes me want to

wear a full skirt,

that sweeps at my feet,

and spin round the kitchen

yes,

that kind.

that first verse

would come on sweet

like magnolia

lemony and fresh.

easy baby....

let it ride.

then drilled right to your heart

that burst.

that blood.

that chorus line,

that paints you

like a sunrise,

bright,

brilliant,

luminescent.

ahhhhh.

twist on your heels

ride the refrain

all the way

down

down

down.

i know you

burning my heart.

and you are prime

for a song.

a song to be written

about

you.

dear crappy day, you were crappy....im glad you are almost done.

so yeah, dear crappy day, i hate you, get out of my face.

that pretty much sums up my day. it was one of those days when i woke up tired, rolled into work, someone was out, my name was repeated like a broken record about 3000 times, all the while my brain is reeling at about 4 billion miles an hour, and i am convinced i am the most broken, selfish, worthless, poopiehead ever! so i do what i got to do, try real hard to smile, make a few stupid phone calls that just make me feel even more like a acne ridden 13 year old (no offense to 13 year olds i promise), then i throw down my towel.... literally, and state that "I AM GOING HOME!!!!" so i did.......it was about the time i got home i realized i had not eaten a bit of food since lunch the day before, and the fact that i had about 5 hours of sleep under my belt didnt help matters.....so i had a talk with the Lord about taking better care of my body, and went to bed! after a 2 hour nap i was feeling better, but still hungry, so i picked up the kids, and got something to eat.....ran a few errands, and came back home to cook dinner......then hooped it up with lilli, now i am lounging in my bed whilst my husband puts the baby to bed......well crap, turns out it was a good day after all......awww hell, now i cant complain anymore......so.....

dear tomorrow,

after i get a good nights sleep, eat breakfast and get to work where people only call out my name a billion times because they know i have their back, and will help them out, and after i eat lunch with my sweet friends, and hold my kids, and kiss my husband, and freak out about how i still dont know the songs i should know by now for sunday........please be understanding. i am far from having this stuff figured out. i do stupid things, say stupid stuff, trip over my own feet, and all sorts of rif raf seems to follow me about. but that is okay, cause i am not in charge and because well, you werent mine to begin with, and you wont be mine in the end. i just happened to be in you because something really big wanted me here.....and you just happened to happen cause that same something really big saw it fit for you to be here too, so that makes us sort of like family. and i like that.

see you tomorrow, tomorrow,

b.

HAAAAAAAAAAAALP!

i am having a very hard time with something, so haaaalp me out here.

reading through the book of Mark a couple of days ago i come across something i am sure i have read before but that day out of no where decided to show up at my Jesus party, and throw down a big ole bag of "whatdidyoujustsay?"

all right so....here is the scripture.

Mark 7:24-30

²⁴Jesus left that place and went to the vicinity of Tyre. He entered a house and did not want anyone to know it; yet he could not keep his presence secret. ²⁵In fact, as soon as she heard about him, a woman whose little daughter was possessed by an evil spirit came and fell at his feet.²⁶The woman was a Greek, born in Syrian Phoenicia. She begged Jesus to drive the demon out of her daughter.

²⁷"First let the children eat all they want," he told her, "for it is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

²⁸"Yes, Lord," she replied, "but even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs."

²⁹Then he told her, "For such a reply, you may go; the demon has left your daughter."

³⁰She went home and found her child lying on the bed, and the demon gone.

mmmmmmmmm.kay......anything stand out at ya here? i have been battling with this bit of "in my face" for days now. i have cried about this because my insides hurt so bad over it. i have had some bits of understanding coming and going, but really i just want to see what others may have to say about it. so what do you think? did Jesus just call that woman a dog? haaaaaaaalp!

check yo self!

so today is mothers day. yep....yay us. "achem" (clears throat, wipes tear from eye). well, i am here with my kids and dad is gone....i am still dealing, dont let my over enthusiasm for the day fool you....no serious.....anyways.

so today is "thanktheLorditischurchday" we have been attending newspring church......(go to www.newspring.cc) for a few months now, and we freakin love it! so anyways i have been confronted with something so revolutionary, so spectacular, so unbelievably life changing......you ready......no really? i can act fool for Jesus in church because those people understand. okay, did you get that? it seems simple, but it really isnt. see, so here is my background. i am a preachers kid. i know (insert stupid remark about stereotypical preachers kids here).....ok, now take stupid remark and stick it in your ear....na, just keep it to yourself, stereotypes dont help anybody. so back to my point....i have never felt free to be in church service, i actually feel freer to get wild in worship in my car. why is this you may ask? well....when you grow up in very fundamental churches where stepping out of line is sacrilege you begin to actually believe it is truth...and the people you should be able to be free with, because they understand become a room full of pointing fingers and glaring eyes.....please understand i dont think this is the way it is in all churches, but you know you have probably been in one or two. but for the past couple of weeks i have been dealing with this, just enjoying the movement of the spirit. there are mornings i want to dance, and laugh, but my self holds me back.....silly self. but it is like perry noble said a while back, the people here are supposed to be for us. we dont have to hide our passion for Christ here. i dont want to hide my passion for Jesus anywhere! now, here is the kicker, if there is one thing i have learned in this life it is that, we only see in others what we understand in ourselves, so if i feel like people might be judging my actions or considering me foolish for worshiping the Lord it is....ba! ba! baaa!.......BECAUSE I AM INCLINED TO JUDGE OTHERS! ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. check myself! that is right, i am not guilt free here! it is my own judgement that is holding me back. so this is where it begins, me being made aware of my own judgmental tendencies, and giving them up to be refined.....im done with that mess, in whatever form it has been manifesting in my life.....i love being poked at with the spirit stick....know why? because that means something is gonna happen.....i freakin' Love the hope we have in Jesus!

so this week, i plan to worship selflessly, and enjoy others expressing their love and passions, however wacky it may seem. why? because i wanna love like Jesus!

b.

booootay'licious.

oh yes, that is right, i joined the gym today....but not just any ole gym, the women's only fitness world. the amazing giraffe and i joined together tonight, and i cant be more excited about working out with her on a regular basis! so first thing tonight was zumba, if you know me in real life you know i love zumba!!!! i was worried that it wouldn't be what i was used to, my zumba instructor from the other gym is the absolute best ever!!!!! she holds the bar high!!! now let me set the stage for you for this evenings zumba session. picture an open floor, mirrors stretching from left to right, ceiling to floor..... mirror encrusted pillars in the center of the dance floor.....a beautiful muscled, yet curvy woman cusses at the cd player and goes back and forth between hard core hip hop songs, and latin dance rhythms....i am situated in the back right corner.....you would notice me immediately....why you ask? well because i am as white as vanilla ice. oh yes, the women here are dark and lovely and have come to shake things that i was not born with on my body. the music starts pumping, booties are shakin.....the teacher instructs us to "loosen up" i am afraid if her hips loosen any more they will dislocate, and as i undulate my hips back and forth i sort of remind my self of a large piece of cardboard being bent the wrong way over and over again....i spend the first few minutes just laughing at myself, and noticing that the older lady in front of me has joined me in my laugh.....i LOVED it! there were songs about alcoholics, songs about shaking your money maker, even a prince song.....oh yes, i danced hard to that one.....a few latin based songs that we salsa'd, and cha cha'd to. the teacher threw on a coin belt and shimmied her way to glistening sweat.....oh yes, i will be wearing mine on thursday, you can count on it.....!

anyways, work out, gym, zumba, sweat, the bestest work out buddy a gal could ask for, and a cheap membership......what a good night.

now to get ready for the hurt that awaits me tomorrow morning......ah, it is so worth it!

clean sheet day!!!!!

so, if you skip to 5:24 you will understand how i feel right now.......oh yes, it is clean sheet day.......crisp, clean and dog hair free!!!! i love this clip for a whole slew of reasons, one being that my mother used to say i reminded her of dharma, and that my due pay back for being a rebellious child would be to marry a man who was straight laced and fully conformed. we'll just look past the fact that beardy man wears vests and sassy shoes....and accept that he listen s to the clash and has had his septum pierced more than once....(for those of you wondering it is in the nose). but i digress.........clean sheet day!!!!!

a good wife, a good mother.

leave me a dish to wash

in the sink

so i can love you tonight

leave me a shirt

in the wash

so i can love you tomorrow

i sweep things away

all day

with nothing to show.

i play wordless songs

and hum quiet tunes

i watch you.

the words resonate

in my ears.....

get up.

go do.

or else

they will

forget you.

i scream back

against the waves

of sickness

you

lie.

i am your mother

i am your wife

this is

because we promised

to each other

to life.

funny,

i never learned

to trust.

chasing dreams.

http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/04/1-thing-that-changed-the-way-i-chase-dreams/

so i just finished catching up with a couple of posts from one of my favorite blogs, and this one really got me going.....enjoy. im off to play the piano, or guitar, and sing till my throat hurts.

today i learned...........

how to hula hoop....i went through my entire childhood being completely jealous of all the kids who could make that magical ring slip effortlessly around their waists....i would jump and jiggle, pump and wiggle, but to no avail......but today, oh yes, today i picked that hoop up, slung it round my hips like a woman on a mission, and it plummeted to the floor with a crash.....well, i hadnt learned yet......after about an hour of watching my daughter spin not only one hoop, but sometimes two at a time, i figured id give it a shot again, but this time.......going in the other direction......so crank up my nerve, grab the hoop with both hands, right foot one step in front of the left, i wheel back ready to heave the thing with all my might in the direction that seems the stupidest....to the right. i take a deep breath, and swwwwooooooosh....and around again, and again, and again. it hits the sweet spot on my stomach...right around my navel, and glides there round and round again......sweet bliss.....my face relaxes from the contortion i had put it in to keep the hoop up....(you know cause ugly faces make things happen) i get into the groove and settle in for the ride. now i get it......i dont know why all those hula hoop crazed panic fans love their hoops so much, but i know why i love mine......because today i learned that sometimes the right way to do something is in reverse.....the way that seems less comfortable....comfort does not always equal right......tomorrow maybe i can hoop with two like lilli.

nom nom nom.....

okay, so i just had to post this cause it made me laugh, and well laughing should be shared. actually i dont know what is scarier the staple remover or the bottle of purell....ahhhhhhhhhhh!

eeeeeeeeeeeeek!

i would like to take this time to share a bit of insight with you, the readers, that i would like to imagine read this, but who are probably just in my head, because i need to feel validated at all times......(and you the reader who doesnt mind my horrible usage of run on sentences.....whew)

so here is the deal....i am getting ready to watch a movie, not just any movie but the kind of movie that i look forward to with so much anticipation i almost cant stand it....but i dont look forward to it because it is going to make me feel all good inside or teach me valuable lessons, or even because it will make me laugh so hard i pee my pants.....oh no, i will be watching it because it is going to scare the freakin' crap out of me!!!!!

if there is one thing that freaks me out, keeps me up, makes me wake up in cold sweats, it is..............ba ba ba!!!!!!!!! a ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! i will lie i my bed at night for hours planning escape routes, trying to figure out who i will have the nerve to shoot, and who i will let limp grotesquely out of my house unscathed as i slip out the back window. i have visions of half mangled neighbors clawing their way into my bedroom at night while i sleep.....do i run, or do i go ahead, take the plunge and join the ranks as a brain hungry flesh eater.....????? oh the decisions....what is a girl to do????

my "covered in bees" friend is letting me borrow zombie land, which i hear is actually quite funny. but even with the funny parts, and woody harrelson in all of his fabulousness there will be undead, radioactive, malformed, blood thirsty, nasty breathed zombies walking around.....but i cant wait!!!!!

this is probably a sick disease i have, but i like to think of it more as therapy....or atleast practical preparatory training.

covers pulled up close, telephone close by, dvd ready to go.......!

slip through.

i cant

for the life of me

remember.

where we were

what we said

how i left.

after all the years

of remembering

e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g.

i have nothing.

i come up short.

not even a faint

reminder

i remember

the long drives

what you ate

the smell

of your car.

i remember

how we met

the summer

we slept

on the couch

everyday.

how

did

you

slip

through?

10 reasons why i dont need to drink rum.

1. my name is not preceded by "captain" nor do i wear an eye patch.

2. it is not friendly to my IBS riddled intestines.

3. i can take my family out to eat for the cost of one bottle of my favorite rum.

4. no matter how good it tastes it burns like hell going down.

5. i do ridiculous things in public after about 6 shots, and inevitably someone will have a phone with a video camera on it. you get the picture right?

6. i become overly passionate about whatever i am talking about....and i will hurt feelings with said passion, or get so worked up i spit, or shoot things out of my nose. yes, it has happened.....

7. my mom worries about me when i drink, wether she says so or not.

8. i do not have an off switch when i have had one shot too many, and will continue to "line em' up"

9. it is very difficult the next morning to remember conversations, movie plots, emails i have sent...etc. from the night before.

10. hangovers SUCK!

you may be asking yourself well becky, what is this all about? well, when i was little i told a lie.....i know, *gasp* and you know what my parents made me do? the worst punishment ever!!!!! seriously!!!! it is so horrible i have passed down this form of torture to my own 7 year old. when she lies to my face i..............make her write "i will not tell a lie" 50 times. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! the tediousness, the hand cramps, the eaten up eraser shavings........it is awful!

but while writing over and over again, you get something.....why you are being punished....granted there is a point where your brain checks out and you are just copying the line before it......but somewhere in there is a moment of regret for what you did.....you know that thing that got you into this word riddled mess....so i figured i would take it to the next step and actually write out what sucks about my present day vice. in hopes that at some point it would sink in. i had a serious problem this past year with alcohol, but the Lord is giving me the strength to pass through this day to day. he has given me a reason to stay sober, but last night, well.....i enjoyed the pirates delight. granted i didnt get sloppy drunk, but i still woke up with a cloudy head, and a painful reminder of a promise. The Spirit had a heart to heart with me this morning, which i am grateful for, because it means i am so important to Him that he doesnt want me to wander away. so this little post is going to be a reminder to me for a bit. of atleast 10 reasons why i dont need to drink rum. (and to myself if i am re-reading this you know there is another more important reason, so start praying.) if you are someone else reading this, please pray for me if you think to. please note i am not against alcohol consumption. Jesus turned water into wine, you cant skirt around that....but i know for a fact that me+rum=not so good.

keeping it real.

b.

you know what i like?

*i like really honest people who cry when they are sad, laugh when they are happy, and cuss like sailors when they get really good and worked up.

*i like dirty feet, smelly arm pits, and really weird tan lines that people who live and work outside get, and i like how they dont think anything of them.

*i like the fact that i could throw most of my house in my back yard right now and most of it would decompose with in a few weeks.

*i like watching bad kung-fu movies with my husband....just because i know he likes them.

*i like watching my 2 year old pick her nose.

*i like it more when she realizes i am watching and smiles at me as she puts her "nose treasure" in her mouth.

*i like making ridiculous noises in already awkward situations....seriously try it some time.

*i like watching people open up, and grow.

*i like it even more when i am one of those people.....is that selfish?

*i like my bed more than i will ever admit.

*i like it when people look at me in my eyes, and dont look away when i do the same to them.

when i meet people like this, i wish i was more like that.

*i like it when people feel comfortable enough to walk into my house with out knocking, and i like it even more if they dont steal things.

*i like culture shock.

*i like that there are lots of people who dont like these things.....

no point, just sayin.

and to the hat lady, i like you bunches! thanks for the coffee break.

why the dog food runs out when i am broke and other spiritual conundrums.

so any body who has ever had a pet understands this all too well i am sure of it.....fido sits doe eyed by his food dish. quick glance at his food bowl, sideways glance back at you.....oh no, you are out of dog food!!!! oh crap! the bank account is empty! it happens every freakin' time....of course if you are an animal in my house empty food bag+ empty bank account= table food till payday.....which is never a bad deal for our critters as they happily devour left over sandwiches, and pasta galore! so today while slapping my forehead over the empty food bowl and empty account something Jesus said to his followers in the book of matthew struck me.....i know i know it is funny how that works.....but becky....its dog food....really??????

bear with me.....so i look at pup starting at me like "no really, what are you going to do about this" and i see myself....please save jokes about me looking like a dog, cause well....words hurt..hehe....so yeah, i see myself...empty bowl, looking up at the one who sustains my every need. but where my dog has the faith that i will come through with the food, cause i love her, i instead will look to God, then walk outside to rummage through the trash most times......if my cup is empty i will seek out every way in the book to fill it....but Jesus says pretty directly in matthew 7

⁷"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.⁸For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

⁹"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? ¹⁰Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? ¹¹If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ¹²So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

seriously, i am talking about my dog here, we dont even want to get into what i would do for my kids!!!! but here He says even we who are evil we will give good gifts to our own...how much more will he give us!!!! BAM!!!! that's right....that's when becky got floored. God wants the absolute best for us.....that might look funny to us sometimes, but why would we want trash when He wants to sustain us with what is perfect for us, and that is always above and beyond what we could imagine for ourselves.....

so when my "bowl" is empty i know where to look. i am not saying i wont still dig in the trash, well because i am a creature of habit, but hopefully every day i will seek out the Lord for my sustenance....not only for my physical needs but first and foremost my eternal needs.

for those of you concerned about my pets and their food situation i assure you they will be dining in style for the next few days. if driving by please note the ring of pasta sauce around gretchen's snout.....:) and the fat belly on BB the cat.

i just wanna die....

so i have been posting poetry for a while now, but i want to step out of that for a night to write about what is going on.....

so if someone is reading this, you probably dont know, unless you have seen me in the past year, that i have been horribly depressed....i mean like errrrrrrr yucky nasty. it was a culmination of all sorts of stuff from internal issues to external issues....alot of junk sort of rose to the surface, and instead of holding it up to the light, i just poked at it with sticks till it hurt.....i have had several conversations with dear friends about my addiction....it is an addiction i think alot of us suffer with....it isnt drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling.....no it is a more subtle, sort of accepted addiction......i am an emotional junky......i love to feel.....i live for the rush of an emotion....you may say "but beck, feelings are ok, why should i have to keep those bad boys in check?" well......proverbs 4:23 says " above ALL ELSE, guard you heart, for it is the wellspring of life." WHAT!!!!! this is serious stuff.....instead of passing all of the junk that was welling up inside of me through the word, letting the HOLY SPIRIT deal with it, i was simply accepting it for truth.....uh mistake numero uno!!!! so what happens when you dont handle this stuff properly? it becomes your reality......no longer was life, life, but it was a reflection of what i saw in my heart....so no longer did i cling to hope, or peace, or love, but embraced fully loss, confusion, discontent....because i could feel it, period....just because it felt like something.

so fast forward a bit.....after a year of living like this, and many really messed up months of just trying to grasp at re-defining life for MYSELF....please note this....because i dont know when selfishness is ever a quality to strive for....but we all deal with in one way or another. in Gods infinite wisdom and mercy made me blurt out to more than one person that i could not worship a god that would not meet me where i was and move me somewhere else....cause well, i didnt have it in me. i had no desire to look at, listen to, much less chase after God. i was so tired.....tired of what????? well just tired of looking inside of me.....i am sort of yucky....

so what do you know, but God , you know JEHOVAH GOD, is crazy like that.....not only does he LOVE me, but he is in the business of picking people up where they are and moving them to where they need to be.....

i wish i could show you a film, or paint you a picture, write you a poem, or something to describe the supernatural movement that has happened in my life in the past couple of weeks.....people have prayed, as God led, and mountains have been moved. all i crave day and night is His word, His wisdom, His LOVE! that is not something i could have done myself..

i am still dealing with the consequences of my several months of well, mud rollin'. but i can hold my head high because it has no power over me, and i know this because the God of the universe loved me enough to change my heart.....that is BIG. if you see me i will probably tell you this all over again, because i am like a freaking broken record right now, i can not testify enough of the power of Jesus in my life!

so there you have it, becky with a re-furbished heart. a desire to be with people, and love on them! but most of all a deep deep desire to never be content in only knowing what i know now of my sweet sweet Jesus! before i just wanted to die....but Christ has reminded me of a better way.....to die to myself to live for him, and His way is always the best way!

that time when.....

ocean spray

windswept hair

lips sweet with bread.

trees crossed tight,

heavy black night,

you were gone too long.

faces fade into walls,

fingers all bones,

woke up sunday best.

i knew it was you,

bird wing, white skull.

it still hangs around.

lazy day

backdoor open

pile of honey on the floor.

like a breath,

you would leave.

catch you, i would try.

when i sleep

its all the same.

it always will be.

the last time i saw you

The last time i saw you

you were a pirates bride.

Hands set firm on your hips.

Those hard hard hips,

that bore salt water children

hard on those bones,

turning metal to rust

and skin to leather.

Riding on the back of empty beds

and fruitless seas.

You sat watch,

eyes turned gray

melting into a horizon that never gave up.

Black dress, holding firm,

your heart, beneath your breasts.

You knew he loved another.

She laughs at your door,

and wakes you at night.

Crashing hard on the sand.

You dip your toes into her,

and take pieces of her away,

hoping to make her smaller,

to steal from her,

like she has stolen from you,

every time he sails away.

where the earth fell open.

there was a shift

a place where the earth fell open

standing on the edge looking in

i ran my hands through hair

not mine

but the ghost of a really bad day

shifting from left foot to right

finding my balance

gazing dumbly like a half sleepy child

i recognize this space

this chasm

this break.

it is deep, dark, mysterious

with a half grin

and silence.

my toes hanging over feel the cool air

float up like little feathers

the thing is breathing

the thing is beating

i could jump in and fall forever.

i could hold my breath

feel weightless till the bottom

the hard hard bottom

but i see now that hole in the ground

for what it is.

my skin clenches at my muscles

and makes them turn my body around.

my hands run one more time through

the hair of what seems to be

a

more

familiar

stranger.

and with one good shifting of my heels

i can see up.

soon.

i feel something brewing, and i will be writing soon.....a theme has eclipsed my thoughts, taken over my brain, and left me sort of bewildered at the state of it all....i will elaborate with in the next few days once i have set my mind straight.

b.

i feel you walking the hills

i feel you watching the sky

i feel you listening, ear to ground

i feel you standing still at the sound of the owl.

will you raise a feather for me?

will you dust off your dirty feet?

will you start the evening fire?

i will always feel it.

------------------------------------------------

sage smoke bellow

smudged clean in coal

rain washed skin

time take toll.