Facebook withdrawals.....

So I deactivated my facebook account about 4 days ago. I have done this once before with a great deal of wonderful consequences, such as books were read, songs were written, house was cleaned....etc.. etc....It was awful for the first 3 days....Just like coming off of any substance I went through withdrawals. Facebook is no different. It releases all sorts of chemicals into my brain, telling me that I need to constantly post about what I eat, where I am, what I will be doing, how I feel about the world, what my favorite color is....you know stuff no one cares about on a daily basis. While I can normally resist the urges to post about bodily functions, don't think for a second that my mind isn't racing in status updates as I am sitting on the toilet! So I am admitting it, I have a problem. But I don't think I am the only one.
I think lots of interwebbers have facebookitis! You may not see us every day, or hear from us. But we are there, spending hours scanning the profile updates of people we haven't seen in years, silently commenting to ourselves about what we should say to that offensive slur posted by a "friend", pilfering through photos of people we don't know comparing the size of our thighs and breasts and levels of fun. Don't lie to yourself and say you haven't at least once. And if you haven't, well.....good for you, you have transcended! I covet your level of maturity and self-control!
But until I reach the sacred 7th ring of mental clarity I will be absent from the scrolling updates of my own narcissistic banter.
So instead I will do the next best thing.....I will ramble narcissistically here on my very on blog! :)
I will type out my feelings, what I am doing, what I am eating.....I may stay away from bowel movements for now.....maybe.
I hope at some point to see some resemblance of my true self. Not the one who has been watered down and muddied by constantly subjecting myself to everyone and everything at all times.
I know this post sounds horribly selfish, and absorbed, but I am going to be gentle with myself, because well.....I am having facebook withdrawals.

Fact:

Fact: I have everything I need to be exactly who I am.

the never blog post.

this is the post set up for the things i can not say,
should never say,
will never have the nerve to say,
or wouldnt find the words anyway.

one day i may have the nerve.
one day i may find the words.
one day
till then, they get to live here
between lines
between letters
in secret
safe.

Kinda sad

So ive been sort of in and out of the funk already this winter.....stupid cold funk....that along with some pretty major life changes have put my head into a bit of a spin. My insecurity level is just about to peak out at 1075%. I generally wake up with a wandering around in the dessert sort of feeling. I have no doubt that this is exactly where i am supposed to be right now, but my tear ducts are definitely tired. I have found myself being ridiculously sensitive about things that normally I would blow off like a feather. My faith isn't shaken, more my identity. I know the two go hand in hand, but when i say identity I mean more like the what the heck am i doing, what do i love, what do i have to offer sort of thing. Once someone told me that shouldn't be a question " you are a mother and wife" well anyone who knows me knows that one really got the house a rocking! It is true, i am a mother, and a wife, but what happens when a new season of my life comes to play and i have not fostered the woman i was created to be? And how can i be available to the people in my life if I am not fully here? So this season of healing will also come with a deep rooted questioning. I am scared shitless! I haven't done this in a long time! But i guess that is all the more reason for it. If you see me crying please hug me. It passes pretty fast, and i normally follow with a laugh.

nothing much

nothing much changes here.

the leaves,

the weather,

our age,

those are the exceptions.

nothing much changes here.

you will always

have a home,

have a bed,

have a meal.

with us, with me, with him, with her.

your faces fade in and out,

but stay the same with us

right here,

where nothing much changes.

slow down and heal up.

so i am going to lay it all out!

i am broken.

i dont have it all together....(not that anyone was ever convinced i did.)

i suffer from severe bouts of depression, that come and go as they see fit. and always at the most inopportune times.

i am pretty sure that i could win the worst mother award on any given day.

i am scared.

i embarrass myself often.

i need a whole bunch of everything

this list could go on for a while......

but the problem with this list is that all the lines start with i. now, to be completely honest that fact just makes me want to add another line to the list, but i have to stop.

it doesnt matter. we are all broke up!!!! just some of us hide it better than others.....i just happen to be as transparent as a freaking fish tank now a days.

somehow the list needs to change from being ruled by the me's and put to rest by the HIM.

he has extended grace for all of this. and when the time comes to change things up i have to have faith that not only can it be changed but He will equip me with what i need!

i need a lot right now. i do. honest. but i dont think He thinks any less of me, or loves me even an ounce less than he does when i dont feel like i need so much. in fact when my kids need something desperately it may seem i love them more, because i get to make my love manifest.

so right now i am giving up. i am slowing down, i am holding out my hands, i am asking for healing and restoration.........with no apologies.

time to slow down and heal up!

soooooooo long.

i have been horrible about posting here....but im gonna get back on it soon. ummmm promise.....

points of view.

"if a few people at the top can make the bad news happen, then why cant all of us at the bottom get together and make the good news happen".......(a very beautiful quote from a movie)

the truth of the matter as i see it....
the only Good News comes from the Very Top and puts us all on level ground.

i see both of these sides, and live in both of these sides.....is to follow one to compromise the other?

how do you feel about it?

FEAR NOT, LOVE ALL!

cake or death.....

so at the risk of sounding all narcissistic, i must blog about the excitement in my life right now.....this weekend i went to the regional rba competition, and WON!!!! therefore, i shall be heading to las vegas to compete in the national cake decorating competition. HOLLA!
here are the cakes i made durring the 3 hour competition this weekend.

what to do when your friend moves away.

*quick awkward hug.
*get in car.
*put in CD.
*turn up music real loud.
*drive like you are angry at the road.
*avoid hitting pedestrians.
*get groceries (because it is therapeutic).
*drive the same road home.
*keep singing loudly.
*cry.
*make a list in your head of all the things you wish you could say........
*pray for friend.
*get home.
*get out of car.

please note this is not the order these things must go in, only the order in which i worked them out tonight.

sooner than i thought....

so like i was saying.......

guitar.

cake.

camp.

solitude.

hoop.

an update....well not really.

sorry i have been MIA. i have been getting back into my working routine....bahhhhh! i have also been keeping very busy with a life full of wonderful things to keep me smiling. per request of sara i shall be taking pictures, and in the next few days i shall make a blog post with only pictures! how bout that?!? see you then.

a girl, camping. alone.

yes, earlier this week my family dropped me off in jones gap with a tent, a hula hoop, and a whole lot of time. when i told people that was what i was doing for vacation there were mixed emotions about it, from "that is going to be so nice" to "wont you be lonely?" to "what! a girl in the woods, alone!!!!". this is what i found was the actual feelings i had about the situation once i got there.....

all of the above.

yes, it was so unbelievably fantastic to sit on "my sitting rock" in the middle of the river for an hour or two, without being talked to, looked at, asked of. it was fun to scamper up the hill to find my fire wood. i felt great achievement as i started up one of my famous camp fires in less than 1 minute. i soaked in the sounds, smells, and textures of the deep woods. watched ants run from spiders, spiders run from frogs, frogs run from me. i ate fruit fruit and more fruit. walked the trail to get water about 6 times a day, and drank all of it. i felt clean, even though my body was filthy from top to bottom. my hair was gross, my face covered in ash, and my feet were beautifully coated with all sorts of dirt, twigs and soot. my clothes, which consisted of a bathing suit top and my tore to pieces camp pants, were permeated with the heavenly scent of wood smoke, and the aroma de becky. i am not going to lie, it was great. but it was also scary. i was made aware of the fact that i sort of live with fear on a day to day basis.... granted there is some rational behind being slightly more aware of your vulnerabilities when you are all alone in the woods. i wasnt worried about bears, or bob cats, i was worried about predators of the human persuasion. see i like to think i am a self sufficient, do it all, get it done, i dont need your help kinda gal. to an extent i am, but there is great comfort in knowing that someone has got your back.

i had been alone for a while, not spoken to a soul, just me and the river. loneliness had crept in, and i wanted to welcome it for a change. i wanted to ask it some questions.....

just above my camp site on the trail is a little ridge that kept me from seeing over the trail. as the dusk set in and the smoke from the fire rolled over the boulders, i ran a mental inventory of the people in my life past and present. i saw each person walk over the ridge and into my campsite. i wanted to know what i honestly felt about each person, and why i wanted them there, or not.

i know all of this sounds stupid, but it was very therapeutic for me in a way. i saw my husband walk the trail, and i knew instantly i was safe. i was loved. i saw my friends come into my campsite one by one, and they brought new dimension, each one. i saw old love walk in and out. it was easy to let them go in peace. then as i sat there i realized that the one person i really wanted to walk over the ridge more than anything in the whole world was Jesus. i couldnt see him, i just knew it. the answer to all of my questions, the love that surpasses all loves, the comfort, the strength, the healing. i went to bed all by myself that night, but i wasnt lonely. yes, i was in the woods all by myself, but i knew that even if no one ever walked over the ridge again He had promised to never leave me or forsake me.

i had crazy dreams about raccoons all night. woke up stoked the fire back up for breakfast, and enjoyed another day of sitting in the sun on a river rock. read the last bit of the book i have been putting off for months, hula hooped, sat some more, stood up for a bit, and even went on a hike. i was glad to meet my family when they got back to get me. i felt refreshed, and rejuvenated. i knew there was a reason why i felt such a deep need for time in the wilderness. i am especially glad that i got it.

now to remember.

today.....

today freakin' rocked!!!!

new blog!!!!!

i have decided to set up a new blog completely devoted to hooping and all things awesome!!!!so basically hooping and the killing of zombies..... except minus the killing of zombies. well maybe i could figure out how to kill zombies with my hoop.....hmmmmmmmm...? anyways.....so go here if you want hula hoop goodness, and follow my ridiculous journey if you dare.

ps. my husband totally got me the zombie combat manual today, and i love him a whole bunch for it. im sure he will love me a whole bunch when i fight off a million zombies with just a swiss army knife one day. thanks babe!

ALOT!!!!

today across town my friend b. is getting a new puppy!!!! and i am excited for three reasons

1. he is getting a puppy.

2. he is naming it "ALOT".

3. he has bestowed me with the great honor of being the dogs "goshmother" i would say godmother, but i dont think it works that way.

the reason why this is the best ever is because of this. please go read this, it will make you smile in a big way

so welcome to town ALOT! i cant wait to meet you!

for the record.....

the i cam on my mac puts about 15 extra pounds on my ass!!!! seriously, i am standing here in front of a mirror and i dont look like what you are getting ready to see. but alas.....so i have been chatting about this hooping thing, and figured id make a little video....so here it is. i am in my living room, and had just destroyed my ceiling fan light pull, so i am being very timid with my movements. if i was outside i would be jumping, spinning, pumping, and grinning. i hope to get a chance to video some more of the stuff i am learning, but like i said i am inside, and cant get the range of motion i need for some of the more fun tricks. also i hope to post some pics of the new hoops, i made a really fun weighted hoop today, that is sure to kick my butt and make me shed a few extra pounds in the process....cause evidently according to this video i have gained all the weight i lost.....but i call its bluff.....! oh yes by the way i do go all super girl flying back into the room after i roll that bad boy down the hall....just sayin', watch for it.....:)

10 things

it is list time.

and i need to remind myself again that there are things that i like right now.

ready? please note these are thing i like today, and are subject to change at any moment, well, cause that is how i roll.

1. hula hooping, and i mean i like it in a big way, like if i wasnt married, and it was a human i would marry it. pretty much!

2. playing the piano. i play like a two fingered armadillo but i like it anyways.

3. being asked to sing on the worship team at newspring. seriously it makes my day.

4. making hula hoops.....see number 1.

5. the smell of grilling food. nough said.

6. water

7. my friend brandon is getting a new puppy soon, and might name it ALOT.

8. did i mention hula hooping?

9. my avocado tree.

10. rainbow and kittens, no just kidding, well yeah i like those too. but i like llamas better.

so call me a liar!

yes, i said i would be coming back today with an illustrated depiction of my last week, but alas.....i have something better to write about today, that involves snot and stuff....so hold on.

so some background....(isnt it funny how simple things can go years back)

years ago, and i mean like over a freakin decade....yes, i am old enough for that, i was found....yep found by love. and when i say love i mean like a Holy Spirit baptism, Jesus in my heart kind of found. the only desire in my heart was to buy a bus, go on the rainbow trail, and wash dirty hippies feet....i mean that in the most literal way. i wanted to have a camp where you could come, eat, rest, download, and have someone wash your sore tired feet, cause well, i believed what Jesus said about being servants. and that was where my heart wanted to serve....if you are looking perplexed wondering what the heck the rainbow trail is please go here.....(i wish i knew how to make a hyperlink) http://www.welcomehome.org/rainbow/main.html

okay, so fast forward a bit, i never hit the trail, i was young, naive, insecure, and fearful of the unknown of life on the road. even though i was CONSTANTLY reminded that our Father will take care of us no matter what! please note, being taken care of doesnt always mean being fed or covered or wealthy or even liked. but it does mean we will be FULL, BLESSED, RICH, and LOVED!

so fast forward a bit more, life has made its own trail, and i love this trail, it has brought me here, do i wish i had hit the woods? somedays.....would i change anything right now? not a chance. okay, im lying again.....hehe.

so through the years i have become sort of numb to the fact that God can sustain us, even though He shows me these things every single day in some way shape or form....seriously, he spoke through dog food just a couple of weeks ago, im a slow learner. it is easier to live pay check to pay check putting our faith in the dollar, that it will be there, and when it isnt we collapse.

the past few weeks have been very hard, because i dont feel right here, i feel misplaced. i go numb easily because it is easy to work hard, get stuff done, go to bed and start all over again. my faith in Jah is put on hold and my faith in the system grows, leaving me wanting, and withered. i can see it happening and cant make sense of this held up the knowledge that no matter what HE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME!!!!! and better yet, MY FAMILY!!!!! i have been feeling like there is no place for this in our mainstream society, no living from one moment to the next, and i was getting frustrated. until today.

wed. is payday for me. we have been tight lately, who hasnt right???? i go to the bank, count out the tithes, put some money in an almost over-drafted account, and head to the grocery store knowing whatever i need to buy this week needs to stay under approximately $15, but i have a family to feed, and of course the dog food is gone, cause well, that is the way it works ALWAYS!!!! so i walk in get the essentials, on sale, and make my way to the line.....a sweet soul sister that we have known for years in standing in front of me in line...pays for her groceries, then turns around as i am unloading, and looks at me all perplexed.....she says, " do you have a discount card?" i tell her i do, and she asks me to put it away, she has one and she is paying for my groceries.....!!!!! this is where the snot comes in, cause i turned into a blubbering 3 year old in the middle of isle 1, i kid you not, the bagger was very concerned for me, bless his heart! so she pays for my groceries, minus the dog food because i feel it is my spiritual duty to buy dog food now, (dont judge me) hugs me and walks out. here i am still crying wishing i had windshield wipers on my broken glasses as i walk out of the door.

my sweet friend blessed me in ways i can not possibly begin to explain to her, but what blows me away like a freaking hurricane is that i know she was acting on the beautiful voice of our Daddy, and the fact that He cares enough about me and my family to bless us today just shakes me to my core!!!! man He is good at that stuff!!!! and in all of this, He is reminding me to listen to that still voice that has been calling me to bless someone in particular for a while now. i just havent had the faith or the means to do it. one has to hear and heed that voice to understand when its hand gives to you. does that make sense?

anyways i worked in the snot, so i have held up on my end of this post. whoever is reading this I LOVE YOU! my love is broken, but i would love to wash your feet.

b.

i am drawing....

i am in the process of drawing this past week out for a blog post, so just get ready for the freak show to begin.....to be continued soon.....