another poem or two.

its too cold for me here.
too cold for the pieces of memories.
it is too cold for the thoughts
i have of you.
too cold for the dreams
i have at night.
when my feet are afraid of the floors
that bite at their toes,
i slink around a makeshift house
in socks....oh wretched things.
i sink deep into the shower,
and think of summer rains.
sand beneith my worn down feet,
and you dirty from head to toe
with mountian soil,
and road grit.

a new poem for faryn.

oh yes, another little bit of poetry....
i am pregnant.
nine weeks tomorrow...
i will have to write more about this when i have more energy, and i can keep my eyelids open for more than 30 seconds....off to lala land.zzzzz

just a little.....

its a cold tues. night here in flo town, nothing much going on...my family all tucked in our little drafty house, with the mice and the spiders....winter is saying hello to us all...
"christmas" is still lingering in the air....a little tree, lilli's little pieces of dry playdough stuck to the cofee table, and wedged in the weaves of the rug underneith it....hana is resting at my feet all curled in a nice little puppy ball....probably dreaming of barking (her favorite past time). rock and i have a movie to watch a little later about sand.
this week we have things to do around the home front...peices of rotten wood to fix, a pantry to finish, a fence to build, chlorophyl to wash off, dust bunnies to sweep, food to prepare, hugs to be had, kisses to trade, people to remember, friends to enjoy, and life in general to live to the fullest....well, we are still practicing the fine art of living...everyday a little more to understand about fullness, and emptyness....
i am looking at an itenerary for a trip to colorado come the begining of january....i am so very looking forward to meeting my dear friend sara (strong heart) for the first time in person....she has been such a great source of sweetness to me over the past year....so across the country i go to lock her hair up for her....and enjoy cups of tea, and stories, and smiles....

well, i will write more about all of this soon, now off to a sandy movie with my favorite person in the world.

im starting to feel again.

i just realised the other day that im starting to feel a bit more like myself after 3 months of seditives...im not normally one to take meds, but in this case, i realy needed to do something..i have been a bump on a log for weeks now, but i feel as though i an seeing a light at the end of this tunnel....im still gonna be on meds for a few more months, but my body seems to be adjusting to them now....whew...i still look like ive been smoking pot all day...(dry red eyes) and i drink more water than a hippo, but there is nothing wrong with a super dose of high quality h2o everyday. i drove out to hartsville and stayed a while which is something i havent had the courage or the gumption to do in a while, and today im meeting up with a friend for lunch...so even with the cold weather nipping at my heels, and 2 little pink pills everyday telling me i need to take a nap, im feeling like life is making a re-entrance...

thanksgiving was nice and peaceful this year....out to the farm for a taste of the country bumkinness that is the martin family, and then a drive out to dillon for a short visit at havens...poor lille has a had mean stomach virus over the holiday, and a resp. infection to boot...poor miss....she is doing much better now, and she is back to her normal crazyness....

and for jenny, i just got off the phone with you, and im lookign forward to ravioli, here is my blog...hahahahaha...love you chicky mama...

ok, im off to have lunch with the biggest grinner in the world...

bec.

simply fall....

its getting chilly outside...i went to the grocery today, and got the first rounds of hot chocolate....i think lilli is more excited than me..

i miss friends, i dream in warm colors, and i hope. life right now is a sleepy season....

i am quiet, i am thinking, i am thankfull...
_________________________________________________________________________________
There are names across the sea, only now I do believe
Sometimes, with the window closed, she'll sit and think of me
But she'll mend his tattered clothes and they'll kiss as if they know
A baby sleeps in all our bones, so scared to be alone

endless numbered days.
iron and wine.

_________________________________________________________________________________

poems ive left.

i wnated to do a copy paste of some of the poems i have sent out over the past few weeks before i lost them....

i am thinking of you with little wings...
whispering tunes of long ago.....
grey hazy stretch of highway....
you beside my heart,
beside the road.
caught on fire with sagebrush
and crimson from the inside out.
do you remember?
do you recall?
there was a time.
all of it, every little last feather still remains
"a poem to faryn"

all things present,
moving like water....
towards the essence of its being.
continually lulled onward,
towards an unseen all encompassing
place
time
being....
blood.
caught up in the current
roaming river undernieth,
free.
free.
free.
"poem for jeff"



thoughts of you,
tucked in with bits of orange,
and peices of goldenrod.
willlows bend,
changing of wind,
there you are
seeing in every direction.
the edges are seemless......
"thoughts on fall for gentle"


there is alot to tell about it all
but it is better held gently,
like water, or air....
always passing,
always flowing,
always aware of the way.
"what i wanted to tell karen"


that is all i can find right now, but im sure there are others lollygaggin around the internet , and i cant remember where i put them...hahhahaha..

new post new post new post....

yeah, im awful at this whole blog thing....
got off of work early today, im thinking a trip to hatsville is in the near future...
yesterday was my birhtday...i am completely brand new this year....someone once told me your body needs 7 years to completely regenerat new cells for you entire body....well hello mulitple of 7...this is my new year...
i have been battling a nasty stomach virus for the past 4-5 days....it hits me in the most inopportune times...as if there is a good time to have to bolt to the bathroom running like a penguin...but inevitable it gets me while driving in the car...uhggggg...i think i need to go on a raw diet for a few days till it subsides..
i have the zygote of a new song in the works, now it must make it past the men with the music....we are playing with mark mathis this weekend at the beach...ive seen him live a couple times, and he is lovely...im actually looking forward to hanging with his wife jessie she is such a cutiepie..
the kids from hartsville are coming in for the show, so it ought to be a good time...

so i have officially gotten the first few wiffs of fall in the air here in flo town....fall never last very long...we have hot summers, and cold winters, and that is about it...only seperated by a week of mellowness on both ends...both fall and spring wreck me...im a bundle of feelings and memories just sort of plopped on the floor for about a week.....a smell can trigger all sorts of things in my brain...that smell of decaying leaves, north wind, and dirt always takes me to the mountians...roaming with just enough clothing between me and the sky to keep me warm...barefooted walking over rabbit grass listening to the last song of the cicadas.....still warm outside, but harboring the faint smell of burning lumber in fireplaces tucked up in breezier parts of the hills...patchwork quilts thrown out haphazardly on the ground, and feelings....raw feelings.....
yep, its on its way, and i can feel my feet trying to run....right out of these shoes....onto soft places...tucked in trees and covered in moss....where the water in almost too cold to bathe in.

so here i am breathing in deep...one more time...exhale...inhale...exhale...
im off.

r.

a little bit goes a long way

i feel like my feet ahvent touched the ground since wed. night....to yoga, then to dinner, then to bed....my friend tami called me from willmington nc....and wanted me to come hang out with her and kelly, yet another lovely friend of mine....well tami has been in cali. for about a year now working as a traveling nurse, and living in a surf club thing...surfing to her hearts content, raising puppies, grilling dinners, attending weddings, driving across the country....you know tami stuff...and i got to see pics of all of it....i do love some tami....i havent seen kelly in about 2 years i guess.....she is a teacher around willmington, she lives in a freakin' castle on the inlet with the collest little couple. and of course there is roxy the wonder dog....woot woot...we went out to the beach and body surfed like 10 year olds for hours , and got sunburned.....then went into downtown will. and got stuck in a pub due to a nasty storm...so we had a few beers, and talked about life, and love, and hurt, and healing....all things that eventually come up in a conversation with kelly and tami....out of all of the people i have yet met on this planet these two lovely ladies are by far the most thought provoking people i have ever met....to see tami live in front of you is a lesson in life....to hear kelly speak honesty to you is like listening to the brutalness of the ocean, while being kissed by the foam on the beach....beautiful sisters...
so tonight we are heading back to the beach as a family...rock and lillian and i....we are going to stay at cherry grove for a few days with rocks whole family....ive been looking forward to this for some time now....i just got a call that i can rent a long board for the weekend from saltys, and im so excited i cant stand it....
so off we go...ill write more when we get back...

b.

lunch time at the stead.

im on my lunch break, and passing through on the way to yet another few hours of baked wonders....
last night i was gonna go to the gym to start arobics again, but the nastiest migraine got a hold of me and wouldnt let go....arggghhh....so i ended up going ot bed...rocky was watching a movie in the room, and i didnt even know it....i was soooo tired...i think i need to start up with some iron, and b12....so im gonna go to yoga tonight, and out with kathy, jerud, and carla afterwards....
jerud made me a funny little llama out of some wine corks the other day, i dont think rock was real keen on another guy leaving me trinkets....its been a long time since someone has left me something like that....but rock has no need to fear....even if it was a romantic gesture,(although im sure it was not) i would be completely oblivious....im not used to stuff like that..i think it made rock upset because he knows that i used to date a feller who would leave me trinkets like that all the time....peices of cloth, old bones, shells, fresh picked flowers....he was bit of a scavenger.....i understood that....so i appreciated it. i told rock about it, and i think to see someone else give me something was a bit threatening....or maybe im wrong....all i know is it was funny, and llamas are the best.
i might run out to hartsville today to see jessie, and mary....maybe do some belly dancing...
i really dont want to go back to work today, but alas....do everything as unto the lord....
bill our new pastor invited us over for dinner, im looking forward to whenever we do that, i feel like we would have lots ot talk about....
this past sunday they made an anouncement that they would be starting classes on dream interpretation, im exctied about that...i dream alot, so it would be nice to be able to get together with a group of people who could understand. i had a dream last night about an old friend, and a rally big building with lots of stairs...im always at the beach in my dreams lately it seems....and there was a sinead o connor concert involved...hahaha. im sure that last part has nothing to do with anything
alrighty, im off to "bake the world a better place"..har har har....yeah i think its cheesy...but that is our slogan...

till then.

sort of busy day

so its monday, and it was a sort of busy day...i didnt do everything i was supposed to according to my agenda in my head, but good enough for a moday...amen? rock of course was up at the crack of dawn doing everything i feel like i should be doing....making me feel a little well.....little...but that is alright...i dont think he means to make me feel like that, he just does things...
we went grocery shopping for the week, and that is always my favorite part of the week, im being serious actually....i get to go to the asian market, and that is my favorite place in florence....it smells like fish, and weird spices, and old fruit...hahaha...i know that doesnt sound appealing, but when you live in a town where everything looks the same, and feels the same, and oh yes even smells the same it is refreshing to walk into a place that smells slightly bad....and there are shlves and shelves of cans and bags and boxes that harbor strange symbols that i will probably never understand on them.....frozen bags of eel, and jars of what seems to be half eaten octopus....oh yes this is my favorite place....a whole wall of every kind of rice you can imagine, and packages of 100 chopsticks for $1.99....
it is a beautiful thing....
so from there we took hana to the vet for her third round of puppy shots....she is such a cool dog....while there we ran into a very mouthy dad and his three kids....ill leave it at that....im just posting that for my own rememberance sake....
we got home, and took naps....ahhhh sweet nap time...
then up to jim and rock in the middle of some secret society sort of meeting in the living room....i think they are realy a part of some masonic sort of thing....secret handshakes, funny hats, little cars, the works....jim if you are reading this buddy im on to you....
i cooked up some burritoes, and andy, jim, jeff, and michelle came for dinner, it was yummy....i love having a full table....things to keep my hands busy, and wine to drink....ahhhhh a good end to a monday.
so the dog is fed, bathed, and rolling on the couch...
lilli is fed, bathed, and trying real hard to convince us that sleep is over-rated...
rock is fed, un-bathed, and waiting for his wife to get off the damn computer....
and im fed, sort of stinky, and enjoying a few minutes of solitude.
tomorrow i think it will be tuesday.......
b.

me and chef boyardee...

so im on my lunch break, stopped in to write a little about last night....i went to hartsville for a few hours to see jessie, and ended up driving to charlotte to see john mark mcmillan, mark mathis, and the paper tonges...HELLO!!!! what just happened, it was a full on worship fest...no kidding, people dancing, and musicians rockin it out.for sure...it was a good, random, late, flakey night...jessie and i got to have good talks there and back, she is such an answer to prayer...to have a girlfriend close by is such a blessing, and not only do i have A girl friend, but i have lots of them now...very strong, warrior women, who will tell me im in the wrong, and remind me that i am beautiful all at the same time...so very refreshing, to be covered in the gentleness of JAH through these lovely ladies...they all embody such diffrent traits of the lord...i am overwhelmed....
there is a flood coming, im ready, a flood of newness, of realness, of tangible goodness....i dont want to be sleeping...i dont want to be too busy to care....i want to know the Heart of it all. i am tired of weariness, of numbness, of carelessness...
these things that not only bleed us to death, but injure everyone around us. lost focus, lost identity, lost meaning.....how does that profit anyone, or anything??? all it takes is a turn, a crying, a whisper, a crumbling...then a picking up, a holding, a piecing back together....yep, dont wanna miss that now do we? being whole, being healthy.
give me the papers ill sign up right now,
holding out a cup for whatever,
but nothing less than you.
so everything.
holding out my cup for everything....
droping my clothes, my skin, my bones,
all of the things that hold me together
that stand in the way of all that could be.
reaching both hands,
i am not afraid.
you have not given me that spirit.
you are , and you call me to be.

a long time later.....

okay, so ive been avoiding the blog....but im here now, lots of stuff going on, im feeling much better than i did in the last post....it has been quite a while...we have a new critter in our house her name is hana she is a puppy with a personality...she is the bestest...
right now she is sleeping peacefully at my feet, dreaming of eating rocks shoes, and running after sheep i feel sure....
next week is vacation week, and way over due...hahaha...we dont have any plans, maybe some camping, some boating, lots of house cleaning..and maybe just maybe we'll finally finish that pantry....argghhh...
so much is going on with work, i dont even have time to write about it...
we have started going to a new fellowship in hartsville, and that has been wonderful...we are going to be on sabatical for the next 4 weeks, and im really sad, im excited about going back to sandhurst where our family is, but im gonna miss the freedom that is very real at the hcf....it is all yeshua....and bill always brings very pertinant messages...like he was reading my mind all week, and decided he needed to have a word with me in front of lots of other people...hahahaha...no kidding...every time it happens that way...like this sunday he spoke on rest, and newness....hello, that is all ive been able to think about for 3 weeks now, how i need to get over things that happened 10 years ago, and seek freshness, i need to trust that the almighty can take me to even better places in his own strength, not mine...i need to let go of what was, and stop striving to gte that back, i need look forward to what is gonna happen today, right in front of me...arghhhh....it sounds so simple, and i know it is, but my conections are severed, all of the wires that connect the brain and the heart are completely wasted from years of over pressure...trying trying trying...
i got to sit with sweet alex tonight on her front porch...i love her rawness, her ability to look you straight in the face, and call it like she sees it....she is so very aware of her brokeness, and doesnt mind poking at it with a stick to get to the bottom of it...i pray for her healing....that all of those wounds will turn to fresh skin again....she is so wonderful...
ok, gotta go to bed...way too late, and im dozing as i write...ill be back..

the really rotten day....

this morning, i woke up and found our bunny blue dead in his cage....he had been sick last night, and we put him in there so he could be comfy....this is the first pet ive had to bury...it was very hard....the house seems empty even when people are in it....i knew he was gone this morning, cause i couldnt feel his little bunniness in the house. so to top all of it off, i have an upper resp. infection, and i had jury duty this morning...i have to go back tomorrow at 10, then ill be done for the week thank goodness.....so we are just taking it easy tonight, i want to eat comfort food, and take a long hot shower, i want to be covered in the feeling of JAh's hand.

letting it go on by.

b.

the test ....personality profile....

the teacher.


Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
by Joe Butt

Profile: ENFJ
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 23 Feb 2005

ENFJs are the benevolent 'pedagogues' of humanity. They have tremendous charisma by which many are drawn into their nurturant tutelage and/or grand schemes. Many ENFJs have tremendous power to manipulate others with their phenomenal interpersonal skills and unique salesmanship. But it's usually not meant as manipulation -- ENFJs generally believe in their dreams, and see themselves as helpers and enablers, which they usually are.

ENFJs are global learners. They see the big picture. The ENFJs focus is expansive. Some can juggle an amazing number of responsibilities or projects simultaneously. Many ENFJs have tremendous entrepreneurial ability.

ENFJs are, by definition, Js, with whom we associate organization and decisiveness. But they don't resemble the SJs or even the NTJs in organization of the environment nor occasional recalcitrance. ENFJs are organized in the arena of interpersonal affairs. Their offices may or may not be cluttered, but their conclusions (reached through feelings) about people and motives are drawn much more quickly and are more resilient than those of their NFP counterparts.

ENFJs know and appreciate people. Like most NFs, (and Feelers in general), they are apt to neglect themselves and their own needs for the needs of others. They have thinner psychological boundaries than most, and are at risk for being hurt or even abused by less sensitive people. ENFJs often take on more of the burdens of others than they can bear.
TRADEMARK: "The first shall be last"

This refers to the open-door policy of ENFJs. One ENFJ colleague always welcomes me into his office regardless of his own circumstances. If another person comes to the door, he allows them to interrupt our conversation with their need. While discussing that need, the phone rings and he stops to answer it. Others drop in with a 'quick question.' I finally get up, go to my office and use the call waiting feature on the telephone. When he hangs up, I have his undivided attention!

Functional Analysis:
Extraverted Feeling

Extraverted Feeling rules the ENFJ's psyche. In the sway of this rational function, these folks are predisposed to closure in matters pertaining to people, and especially on behalf of their beloved. As extraverts, their contacts are wide ranging. Face-to-face relationships are intense, personable and warm, though they may be so infrequently achieved that intimate friendships are rare.
Introverted iNtuition

Like their INFJ cousins, ENFJs are blessed through introverted intuition with clarity of perception in the inner, unconscious world. Dominant Feeling prefers to find the silver lining in even the most beggarly perceptions of those in their expanding circle of friends and, of course, in themselves. In less balanced individuals, such mitigation of the unseemly eventually undermines the ENFJ's integrity and frequently their good name. In healthier individuals, deft use of this awareness of the inner needs and desires of others enables this astute type to win friends, influence people, and avoid compromising entanglements.

The dynamic nature of their intuition moves ENFJs from one project to another with the assurance that the next one will be perfect, or much more nearly so than the last. ENFJs are continually looking for newer and better solutions to benefit their extensive family, staff, or organization.
Extraverted Sensing

Sensing is extraverted. ENFJs can manage details, particularly those necessary to implement the prevailing vision. These data have, however, a magical flexible quality. Something to be bought can be had for a song; the same something is invaluable when it's time to sell. (We are not certain, but we suspect that such is the influence of the primary function.) This wavering of sensory perception is made possible by the weaker and less mature status with which the tertiary is endowed.
Introverted Thinking

Introverted Thinking is least apparent and most enigmatic in this type. In fact, it often appears only when summoned by Feeling. At times only in jest, but in earnest if need be, Thinking entertains as logical only those conclusions which support Feeling's values. Other scenarios can be shown invalid or at best significantly inferior. Such "Thinking in the service of Feeling" has the appearance of logic, but somehow it never quite adds up.

Introverted Thinking is frequently the focus of the spiritual quest of ENFJs. David's lengthiest psalm, 119, pays it homage. "Law," "precept," "commandment," "statute:" these essences of inner thinking are the mysteries of Deity for which this great Feeler's soul searched.
Famous ENFJs:

David, King of Israel
U.S. Presidents:
Abraham Lincoln
Ronald Reagan

William Cullen Bryant, poet
Abraham Maslow, psychologist and proponent of self-actualization
Ross Perot
Sean Connery
Elizabeth Dole
Francois Mitterand
Dick Van Dyke
Andy Griffith
James Garner
William Aramony, former president of United Way
Gene Hackman (Superman, Antz)
Dennis Hopper (Speed)
Brenda Vaccaro
Craig T. Nelson (Coach)
Diane Sawyer (Good Morning America)
Randy Quaid (Bye Bye, Love; Independence Day)
Tommy Lee Jones (The Fugitive)
Kirstie Alley ("Cheers," Look Who's Talking movies)
Michael Jordan, NBA basketball player
Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Oprah Winfrey
Bob Saget America's Funniest Home Videos, Full House
Julia Louis-Dreyfus ("Seinfeld")
Ben Stiller (The Royal Tenenbaums)
Peyton Manning, Indianapolis Colts quarterback
Matthew McConaughey (The Wedding Planner)
Pete Sampras, Tennis Champion
Lauren Graham ("Gilmore Girls")
Ben Affleck (The Sum Of All Fears)
John Cusack (High Fidelity)
Fictional ENFJs:

Joe Hackett, Wings

sinus congestion + belly dancing= very strange night.....

it is just like it sounds....i have been doing research on kuchi bellydance belts, and whatnots, and i have allergies like you woulndt believe....so last night, i think i got a bit of a fever, so what did i dream about all night...that is right, strange looking belly dancers and turkish drumming....ahhhhh....if that wont keep you up all night nothing will....so im past sleepy today, and i think i may have to take a nap...zzzzzz...hope the belly dancers dont join me ..
on a pleasant belly dancing note, i have found serveral peices of kuchi traditional wear and i think ill be making my own belt, and choli....woohoooo...shakey shakey shakey....yeah i know im a weirdo, but at least it is good in conversation....

off to sleep with me...

oh yeah, i am trying to learn to spin poi also....im gonna be an exotic show all by myself...yeah for flying balls of fire....i love dancing with fire....very soothing, and it deff. keeps you aware...yikes!!!!


b.

the crazy dream....

so today i decided i would take a nap about 3:00 i had the strangest dream about jim the dreamer...i dreamt i was at a mans house, with him and his dad...the man was a good guitar player...there are some details in there i will leave out for the sake of my own embarassment...hehehe...so anyways...he starts playing guitar, and jim walks in but i cant distiguish betweent he two all of a sudden....i ask if jim lived there, and he says no, i live over there...pointing to what is now an open feild..there is ray of light streaming donw on a spot in the feild..we walk to it, and i hear music start playing in my head, but jim cant hear it...we come up to where he lives and it is a waterfall, and he is building a stone house over it...i can still hear the music, and jim wants to know what it sound slike so i grab one of the stones from the house and start to hum the song...there are a few words ic an rmember about ancient goddess dancing...i think...dont ask...hahaha..so jim then turns into some sort of sage, and asks me to tell him everything i see from here on out in the dream...so we start running down a road it is hwy 12 i know that becaus ei remember seeing the sign..i dont know where it is...so i could see the street signs, and business signs flying past then all of a sudden we are in a corn feild running over the corn...it doesnt feel good so jim tells me to run down the row...i see a girl in a prairie dress cut across the row, and i tell jim...then all of a sudden a tornado hits the field, and as soon as it comes it is gone...i tell jim...then he asks whatelse i see...there is a cabin with a wrap around porch we go to the cabin, where i ask jim if he is in my head or vice verse, and i cant figure out why he picked this time to do this...he told me not to worry he would be back tonight to explain...(well see) so he goes to jump off the porch and he turns into a fox. i try to do the same but i cant turn into a fox like him...an di realise it is beacuse someone is coming...a priest walks throught the gate, and gives me a sash off of his robes, and is consoling me and telling me i shouldnt talk to the dead...i turn to jim and ask him if he is dead...about that time lilli woke me up but i wassleeping with my eyes open...so i didnt finish dreaming it was wierd...rock said i looked wierd when they walked in the room...of course i think i look a little strange all the time...hehehe...
so jim, if you are coming back tonight, you better have answers, and dont be dead, that creeps me out...just do that fox thing again...i wanna try...hehehe..

there are details i left out but it is so very vivid in my head that i dont think ill forget them for a while....

jim if you read this, you need to check out this movie, i have it somewhere, ill see if i can find it...http://www.heroic-cinema.com/films/akira_kurosawas_dreams.htm

like i said, i think i own it, but who knows where it is...i think youd realy like it....

ok, off to bed with me...im gonna fall out...

m.

good show busy day.

i just got off of work and im soooo tired...whew...what a day....seems like it has gotten busier with an extra decorator in the mix...it doesnt make sence to me....oh well....

the show last night at aroma went very well i thought...the inbetween times were a little choppy, but fun anyways....i shouldve had my stuff together a little better.....that is ok, it wouldve ended up how ever anyways...poor rock is pissed about his bass it fell apart on the way to the show, so he couldnt play it....poor feller...hopefully he can have it fixed soon...i dont think we have anything lined up for the next few weeks,so he's got time....i think we might have something fo rthe 30th but i havent heard back from the guy yet...

tami is in town this weekend....yipeeeey...it is so good to see her, there is a party going down at mariannes tonight for her.....lots of good times for sure...we were talking last night about me taking a trip to see her in malibu...ohhhh yeah that is what im talking about....hehehe...

marianne stopped by my work today to say hey, and check in on me she is so sweet....like honey....she stops by everyonce in a while and brings me the biggest plate of yummy breads and jams for breakfast....it always makes my days go by easier....

im sorry i dont have anything interesting today, just the humdrum of silly girl life....whirly twirly spinning on the earth one more time...

the crazy computer ate my long blog....agggggg....

oh my gosh i just wrote out htis long post, and my computer ate it....arg.....anyways...

oh well to heck with it....

ive got sinead o'connors hundred thousand angels stuck in my head, and i like it there....mwahahaha...

that is all you need know i guess...

headaches are bad....

woke up this morning with a raging headache....errrrr.ive been gettin them off and on for the past few weeks, they make me sick to my stomach they are so bad, i guess that would be called a migrane....i call them bad....
i went to the coffee house to shoot up some caffine to try and get rid of it quickly...it feels a little better, i think im gonna lay down a while till rock an lilli get home hopefully it will go away with rest...
on a less painfull note...hahaha...we have a show this weekend on st. pattys day...wooohooo...my favorite holiday...my family is scotch irish, from the highlands of scottland actually, but im convinced the dust of my bones was collected in ireland right on the coastline of county kerry....hahaha....where everything is greener...and the sheep roam free. ahhhh, i do miss ireland....doubt well get to go this year, still paying on the past 2 years, hopefully soon though....that island is magical for sure....sometimes that is a very good thing, sometimes it feels like a very bad thing...but all in all, it is lovely.
okay enough of that....here is a lovely video if it will go through...by sigur ros....yum yum....gonna see if i can do this....here goes.

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florida or mariannes backyard its all the same to me...

so i was gonna be in fla for a few days, but im still here in flotown...enjoying a mommys weekend off...im living in my dearest friends backyard for 4 days. getting lots of reading done, writting accomplished, drawings drawn, songs written, tea drank, road trips driven, dreadlocks seperated, toenails cut, dreams dreamed, thoughts thunk, dances danced, you know all the stuff you say your gonna do every day, but find a way to avoid it....tending....rock is the most lovely man on the face of the earth, im convinced...what other husband would let thier wife go sleep in someones back yard for 4 days, while they took care of the 3 year old question box????he is supppppa! and sexy to boot....hehehe blushing...
today im going to hartsville to see jessi at the midnight rooster...drink some coffee, read somemore...whatever...then well i dont know from there....i woke up this morning, ripped open the rv curtians, and took in the field behind m.a's house...ahhhhh. im reading by the river peidra i sat and wept...very interesting book written by the author of the alchemist...also a very good book...
tomorrow, who knows maybe a trip to asheville for the day if it isnt snowing up there...i would like to drive somewhere really warm, and dive into the ocean, but southern fla is quite a drive for only 2 and a half more days....my hair needs salt water....i need sand to squish in my toes, water to wash my soul, and sunshine to kiss my skin....ahhhh...im dreaming of summer...why dont i migrate like birds??? it would be lovely if we could grow wings if noly just for the winter long enough to get to mexico...like the great monarch butterfly....love like mad, flap our wings....and fly back....
my dad and i drove to charleston yesterday...went to riverbluff fellowship in chucktown, visited a friend of his at musc, and drove through our old homeotown of goose creek....my skin felt like it was gonna fall off...i think of a face when im there....the grass holds this persons essence...the air smells like them. the buildings were built for them...the roads were paved for them...the trees whisper back and forth about where they are....and i expect at every corner to see them...they are the driver and passenger in every car, and it wrecks my sences....i cant do that very often, it is a test of my faithfullness, a test of my will, a test of my heart...i have loved before...long ago, and with eveything...letting go is gradual and painfull, and until it happens completly we let it rest, make it a part of us, and shine brighter...i left peices of me...i will gather them...they always come back tired and worn out, begging for water, and a place to sleep...
so today ill go somewhere un-laden...somewhere with only semi memeories...with nothing painfull attached...ill let the peices that found their way back last night rest...ill let the spirit take them and explain the rest...why these things still hurt, why i have to be...what that involves...who that effects. taking off our yokes to put on the light one of Yeshua...one of honesty, one of gentleness, one of awareness....things i can not give myself, things i dont understand at all...i need...i need...i need....but i have recieved, so now....i must give.... give.... give....

today like rain or wind or weeds,
tomorrow like dreams or wishes or pleads.
this breath this beat this step this vow,
i hold it high above my brow.
let fire now take what i cant hold,
let water make warm whats turning cold.
a word of prayer on tightened tounge,
a breath of air from sighing lung.
hard like land yet soft like earth
another moment another birth.

all my love in a little tin can.
bec.

been so bad....

ack, it has been forever since ive written....anything...emails, blogs, messages....arghhhh...i havent been online as much lately....that is porbably a good thing.....gift card conspiracy day was good, i took rock out for sushi dinner....ummmm...it was ok...lots of squid and seaweed....errrrr....
today its just me and lilli, tonight rock and the fellers will be playing....they rock it out....fo sure...
well, now i feel better, ive written and posted apic of sushi....whatelse is there?
b.