Monday, September 21, 2009

getting older? really?

i dont know what sparked this, this weekend, but all of a sudden while ridding in the car i looked over into the rear view mirror to find a 31 year old starring back at me.....not with one of those 31 year old confident and comfortable looks, but a confused who the hell are you look....i quickly turned to my younger husband and asked....."do i look 31?" stupid question. he replies "well we look alot older than we did when we got married"
see the thing is i havent until recently even felt remotely over 15. granted i felt smarter than a 15 year old....but that is probably all in my head too, and in some ways i have probably dumbed down quite a bit from then. now a days i get tired easy, that has less to do with my age, and more to do with what my days consist of now. my body looks different all of a sudden, my face is shaping into something it has never been before....those laugh lines are finally setting in, and my once girlish figure is being replaced by the body of a mother of 2. i think i am ok with this, but it is a sort of new revelation, and last night it weighed heavy on me. i have always looked forward to getting older, enjoying the time passing, tasting every flavor of every moment. and the moments have come and gone, and i still have all the delicious tastes in my mouth. there are more to come, i know, but this is where i stop and look over the edge of something new, an evident shifting in my life. is this where womanhood starts, the moment we realize truly that we are not "girls" anymore? and i guess this comes sooner or later for others. where is my rite of passage, i need something substantial, something other than a grim face in a rear view mirror. i need flowers, and water, and dirt, fire, salt, earth, chanting, barefeet, and blood. i need women to surround me with stories of how they passed through, how they found their way, how they kept their sanity. because i am finding it harder and harder to makes sense of the things that i see everyday. for some reason i felt that age brought reason, and more sense to the things around. and maybe it will.....but right now i dont see a sitcom ending, a wrapping up and tying of neat bows at the end of 30 minutes of chaos.
i went to talk to a couple of high school students about character today, i was the object lesson of a talk they had had about assumptions we draw about peoples character according to their appearances...first off let me say the hall ways of a high school are about the scariest thing in the whole world.....i absolutely HATED high school...i havent been in one since i graduated, and today i just about had a nervous break down walking past rows of doors and lockers. once in the class it was a riot! my mother in law asked if i could come a talk to her students about experiences i have had with people drawing conclusions about me, and about life in general i guess.....first the students told me what they thought of me at first glance, the responses where hillarious!!!! i loved it! anything from a rocker, to druggie, to worker at spencers...hahahaha! then i pulled out my dreads that i recently cut off after 4 years.....that was just as funny.
it was good to look at them, break down some stereo-types, reinforce some others, and meet some really cool kids. we talked alot about challenging ourselves and each other to go beyond where we are now. how it really just takes one person in your life to believe you are more to help you realize that yourself. i have had the pleasure of having several people who chose to challenge me, and i hope there are more to come. we talked about cultural confines, and breaking down the barriers that our society builds up for us. always ask the hard questions! we talked about realizing our responsibility to ourselves, and the people around us. writing our own life stories, and enjoying others. i dont know if the students got much out of it, but it was exactly what i needed today to confirm that it aint over....i will keep aging, yes, but i still have lots of story to write, i still have lots to learn, i still have laughs to be had, and i hope as the years pass, and the laugh lines get deeper i will carry them with pride. i hope my energy levels keep up with my need to learn and grow, love and be loved. and when they dont keep up anymore i hope to be able to enjoy all of those moments too. we are loved right here and right now. wherever, whenever...may we never loose sight. it is what ties us to reality, it is what fills our cups, runs it over, and spills into others. a love bigger than us, a love brighter than us, a love we cant give ourselves. it is there, it is.

Thursday, September 03, 2009


"why did you have to have those eyes?"
i say to the stranger who just walked past....
that face?
those marks?
the shape of those ears?
is it necessary?
to make other people....
with those little bits
that look so much like,

and in my head
a collage
with mental scissors,
a choppy half remembered picture.
that i dissect,
in random moments i have to spare.
the shape of the eyes
the curve of the chin
with razor in hand.
i would cut your hair like delilah.
but i would be left weak......