Sunday, December 13, 2009

it is that time again. i am hunkered down in the mountains that i love. it is early in the morning, and the gray light is filtering in through faryn and eli's little apartment window. i can see how cold it is outside by the way the trees hang. but it is warm inside propped up on the couch with laptop in hand, feet nestled in blankets about 3 feet away from the most deliciously warm heater.
i got off work yesterday, went home to kiss my family, and hit the road bound for fueling up for what lies ahead over the next couple of weeks. i refuse to be consumed. after a long ride, a big cup of coffee, and a pee break i pulled back into the city of memories....where now not only can i connect with one of my friends at a time, but all 3 girl friends at once....i have to check my pulse....i tilt my head, the planets align.
faryn and eli have moved back from an 8 year stay on the west coast, i know it was hard for them to leave. i would fight the move from the pacific north west with every ounce of will in my body. it is so lovely and strange. but i am glad they are here. and with the most beautiful baby boy shuffling around, and being slung from hip to hip, sweet milo. all nestled back in our old stomping grounds.
Montford is where so much took form, so much broke down, so much was planned, dreamt, laughed about, cried about, lived in, bundled up, shaken off. but this time it is slept in, looked about, savored, and will be passed through. i am getting better about this i think. the coming and going. the re-collecting of thoughts. the processing of memories, and the acknowledgment of the present. but rock and i both know that we would like for the comings and going to stop. we want to make it a permanent coming and staying. for our family. for our health, for our minds, bodies, our hearts.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


i live in a place,
where dirt is covered by grass.
the grass is covered with clover,
which is covered with newly wet leaves.
they are covered partially by a house,
that is covered by trees,
that are reluctantly covered by fewer and fewer leaves.

i stepped out of my house,
to just be covered by the trees.
i stood beside a cat....
covered with fur.

i took off my cover of clothes,
then my cover of skin.
i removed my cover of flesh,
then the bones one by one.
i was uncovered
because the rain could not touch me
my house did not notice.
but the trees did,
and the cat gave a wink.

Monday, November 09, 2009


today i went to the funeral of one of our families great patriarchs....while i did not know him all that well, i remember his face at every thanksgiving, his laugh, his jokes, his countenance...i remember his house when i was little with trinket from other lands, books from floor to ceiling, and oh the magnificent fan know the stationary bikes they used to make with the giant fans for front tires....i remember it there by the back door leading to the pool where i learned to swim....i have memories of going over for swims after a long day of pilfering through the may's backyard. still smelling of grass and roses...i wore rose oil today for him....for her.
his house is the first memory i have of that weird ancient pull....there were maps, and globes, old books, rugs and the smell of knowledge.....he could have been a secret treasure chaser for all i knew, and that is what i thought at the time, looking back now, and hearing the stories his friends and family told of him, i think i may have been right in my assumption.
he had his own struggles like us in all families we are all concerned for how so and so are doing, how they look better or worse this year, what they have gotten into, gotten out of....he was not immune to this, none of us are. i look at our family and i see so many of us fight with the same demons.... depression, mental balance, extremism..... etc.....etc.... the need to fill up a really big hole where there is a really big is so grand. so much to learn, so much to see, so much to question, to process....and yet we only have this long, or that long to pass through. we collect what we can faces, names, memories, our story.....
so here is to his story.....the great "omniologist" himself....may your questions be answered. may your mind be full, and your heart be fuller.
and on a lighter note, i wish i could join the number of astute men who carry on his legacy, and grow a beard. not really but......i raise my cup to men with beards...!!!

Thursday, November 05, 2009

just in case....

you were wondering....
i am here
you are there.
just in case
you were wondering......
it was in my eyes,
why should i say it now.
just in case
you were wondering.......
i havent given up
i just gave in.
just in case
you were wondering.......
im here,
you are there.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

that time.

i am afraid....
when it is time,
i will be gone.

it will have passed,
i will have slept.
the dreams will have vanished
i will be gone.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

will be full
of rain
wet leaves
paint cold earth.
the wheels creak
and whine.
the fire embers glow.
babies sleep
to the sounds of
the river.
i dream

Monday, September 21, 2009

getting older? really?

i dont know what sparked this, this weekend, but all of a sudden while ridding in the car i looked over into the rear view mirror to find a 31 year old starring back at me.....not with one of those 31 year old confident and comfortable looks, but a confused who the hell are you look....i quickly turned to my younger husband and asked....."do i look 31?" stupid question. he replies "well we look alot older than we did when we got married"
see the thing is i havent until recently even felt remotely over 15. granted i felt smarter than a 15 year old....but that is probably all in my head too, and in some ways i have probably dumbed down quite a bit from then. now a days i get tired easy, that has less to do with my age, and more to do with what my days consist of now. my body looks different all of a sudden, my face is shaping into something it has never been before....those laugh lines are finally setting in, and my once girlish figure is being replaced by the body of a mother of 2. i think i am ok with this, but it is a sort of new revelation, and last night it weighed heavy on me. i have always looked forward to getting older, enjoying the time passing, tasting every flavor of every moment. and the moments have come and gone, and i still have all the delicious tastes in my mouth. there are more to come, i know, but this is where i stop and look over the edge of something new, an evident shifting in my life. is this where womanhood starts, the moment we realize truly that we are not "girls" anymore? and i guess this comes sooner or later for others. where is my rite of passage, i need something substantial, something other than a grim face in a rear view mirror. i need flowers, and water, and dirt, fire, salt, earth, chanting, barefeet, and blood. i need women to surround me with stories of how they passed through, how they found their way, how they kept their sanity. because i am finding it harder and harder to makes sense of the things that i see everyday. for some reason i felt that age brought reason, and more sense to the things around. and maybe it will.....but right now i dont see a sitcom ending, a wrapping up and tying of neat bows at the end of 30 minutes of chaos.
i went to talk to a couple of high school students about character today, i was the object lesson of a talk they had had about assumptions we draw about peoples character according to their appearances...first off let me say the hall ways of a high school are about the scariest thing in the whole world.....i absolutely HATED high school...i havent been in one since i graduated, and today i just about had a nervous break down walking past rows of doors and lockers. once in the class it was a riot! my mother in law asked if i could come a talk to her students about experiences i have had with people drawing conclusions about me, and about life in general i guess.....first the students told me what they thought of me at first glance, the responses where hillarious!!!! i loved it! anything from a rocker, to druggie, to worker at spencers...hahahaha! then i pulled out my dreads that i recently cut off after 4 years.....that was just as funny.
it was good to look at them, break down some stereo-types, reinforce some others, and meet some really cool kids. we talked alot about challenging ourselves and each other to go beyond where we are now. how it really just takes one person in your life to believe you are more to help you realize that yourself. i have had the pleasure of having several people who chose to challenge me, and i hope there are more to come. we talked about cultural confines, and breaking down the barriers that our society builds up for us. always ask the hard questions! we talked about realizing our responsibility to ourselves, and the people around us. writing our own life stories, and enjoying others. i dont know if the students got much out of it, but it was exactly what i needed today to confirm that it aint over....i will keep aging, yes, but i still have lots of story to write, i still have lots to learn, i still have laughs to be had, and i hope as the years pass, and the laugh lines get deeper i will carry them with pride. i hope my energy levels keep up with my need to learn and grow, love and be loved. and when they dont keep up anymore i hope to be able to enjoy all of those moments too. we are loved right here and right now. wherever, whenever...may we never loose sight. it is what ties us to reality, it is what fills our cups, runs it over, and spills into others. a love bigger than us, a love brighter than us, a love we cant give ourselves. it is there, it is.

Thursday, September 03, 2009


"why did you have to have those eyes?"
i say to the stranger who just walked past....
that face?
those marks?
the shape of those ears?
is it necessary?
to make other people....
with those little bits
that look so much like,

and in my head
a collage
with mental scissors,
a choppy half remembered picture.
that i dissect,
in random moments i have to spare.
the shape of the eyes
the curve of the chin
with razor in hand.
i would cut your hair like delilah.
but i would be left weak......

Sunday, August 30, 2009

to the hills

i could see you
full belly,
laughter just on the brink.
the old woman
with her balms

you welcome
like a mother
my weary,
remind me.
your solid

you are a boat
a vessel.
carry me gently,
to the core.
i am present.

oldies but goodies

here are a few posts from previous blogs....
this first one is sort of nice because it is basically about what i am doing right now....back home in the mountains on a trip to see my girls....
what a lovely weekend...i was feeling the pull of the highway again, and jumped right .. many hitches, and complications. i decided to make a trip up to asheville to see a couple of my dearest sweetest yummiest friends. the highway is balm to my soul....i cant explain it, but i know some of you understand, and ill leave it at that....there is something to be said about driving so long that when you look up to the sky it starts to roll up in front of you too.....that is where i am home. i think clearer, i feel clearer, i LISTEN clearer....this last thing is the kicker. when i have no where else to go, except straight, no distractions, no is here that i must listen. and i always hear something.....things about being, about belonging, about enjoying, about up, letting go, reaching out, tucking in, burning car lurches to keep from catching on i drove up 20 to 26 where just out of spartanburg i see them......oh yes, them. the blueridge. my mother, my bed.......spring is starting to make her apearance very slowly.....little pink buds swish around on the scattered blooming trees.....and the rhododendrons that are always green sit like old cats swishing their tails along the broken hill sides. i am blood in a vein, i am a peice of drift wood in a river...and i have no choice but to move on.....even after 68 oz. of water i must drive on through the urge to i met up with my sweet girls, and dove on out to ashville to stock up on yummy things to eat.....raw goodness at its finest.....ahhhhhhh......then off to meet my fabulously inginuitive, highly effecient, sweet cantaloup lovin’ feller friend jerud......for all the sweet asheville mama’s looking for a dude who will do you no me, and i will certianly pimp this one out......jerud put new tubes and tires on my bike, and outfitted me with a cute little bike rack on the back, and made all the wonderful adjustments it would need to make me a stylin’ cyclin’ was good to see him. and i learned all sorts of interesting things about calibrations, and gears, and angles.....did i mention he is an engineer?so from there back to the girly homefront where all the weight of the world sits just waiting to be un-loaded onto the backs of those who can carry it lightly, and gently for us....with out judgement, with out assumptions. my soul women.....the only thing missing was girl, know you were missed.....we stayed out late, and woke up early to the sound of carla giggling about becky being on the sure i looked funny with just my big ball of dreadlocks hanging out of the blankets....trying to block out the morning sun that was telling me it was time to wake up....."time for your superfood beck! wakey wakey!"we drove up to see mary’s new place they are working is absolutely beautiful....the view....well....i guess if i wanted to stare into the heart of the blue ridge every morning i guess it would be alright.....back to the house to piddle with nat’s hair, and go for a test ride on my newly pimped out butter on a hot knife.then it was time to greet my silvery friend again, and let it carry me back home to my family. and it did just that.....4 hours, and one bad cup of coffee later i twisted my weary muscle back into my house to find my 6 month old crawling across the floor to eat her daddy’s shoes.....and my 5 year old crawling over everything in her path to greet me.....rock sat big grin, messed up back.....glad to have someone there to put the baby to i did....i shifted skins, slid out of the fire suit that held me so on spirit.....burning away the edges to expose only more edges........and floated up and down until i found my way into the skin that holds me so genlty most days.....the skin that feels like mine...the skin that looks like mine, the skin that sits sort of crooked, and wrinkles a little when i can hold babies without waking them up to the sound of crackling ashes. and it hammocks the rage, hurt, and emmenseness that the fire suit lets drop so easliy.....this skin lets me sleep. this skin lets me feel gravity, it reminds me to eat when i am hungry, and that my kids need me. i like this skin......i need the other......both are beautiful, and i hope to honor Him with them both. they are not my own. here i am now......a long weekend past. still tired, and here i go

this next one is a blog for my girl ranny....the title....desperate housewives....

so that is what ranny and i have decided we are.....not in a television broadcast sort of way, but i see it as a i need my girlfriend to help me get through, non-dramatic, easy going, keep me from pulling out my hair sort of way. and Ranny is the perfect freind for this nasty nasty job of keeping me sane....i have yet to meet a more lovely mama who is so willing to take what ever life gives her, and make it sweet....she is not delusional, just a true optimist at her finest. i can call her most days, and within minutes one of us has packed up the kids, and has taken the very short walk from one house to the others....where no frontdoors are ever locked, and no knocks are neccesary. the next thing we know the kids have scurried off out the back door to climb in trees, or wreck a bedroom, and we dont hear from them until they are hungry or tired, or to show off the coolest new things they learned to do with jump-ropes....jun is inevitably scooting under foot, or slung over one of our hips, depending on who is making the salad for the day. we pass our time passing stories back and forth about all sort of randomness, from work, to backporch epiphanies....(bathroom epiphanies are more my forte’) but something important always gets said.....wether it is realised at the time or not....i always walk away from a day with Ranny feeling a little stronger, accepted, lighter, and most importantly loved......i am able to bounce any sort of idea off of her, with out any fear of judgement. and to boot she is one heck of a barista....!!!! mmmmmmmm.....a few years ago i posted a blog about finding our tribes as was based on this very pertinent article... my idea of a tribe still was idealy picturesque of half naked women huddled daily around camp fire stirring a large pot of something perfumed with curry, or lugging babies, and baskets up mountians to gather berries, and collard greens, the truth of the matter is it was just going to look like me in my every day here in my house or someone elses....and that was ok. so i tried to find my tribe, met with various mothers on several occasions, tried to make time to start community.....but all of my attempts failed for one reason or another....i was not looking when Ranny and her girls turned into quite literally my tribe sisters....i am so grateful to have her in my life i have no way to expess it, other than to adore the time we have every couple days crafting, eating, laughing, and learning. so to Ranny my tribal chillin’, salad slingin’, coffee brewing, jive talkin’ chilli are precious to me....may we all find women in our lives to help us through, to help us see, and to make us laugh.....this is my prayer for us all....may we find our tribe.

this last one was a blog about worship

a couple of folks at the fellowship where we go on sundays called a great meeting of the minds a few months ago to discuss a gathering of the people to worship, oh yes i am going ot say it, JESUS! if you dont know me yet, i am in love with some jeshua!!! i will jump at any chance to tell you love stories about him and myself. but most of you who know me know i am not quick to jump into calling myself a "christian" either.....please dont be offended by that, i dont mean it in an offensive sort of way.....what i do find offensive is the churchianity that our culture is trying to sell to us as a plastic packaged form of something that may have at one time resembled something like true faith.....(becky steps down off of soapbox...)it makes my heart break to think of all of the folks who have utterly refused to even think through it because of the scars that have been left on them by the falacy of the modern church of jesus christ incorporated......anyways so we gathered to discuss a one night a month "worship" service where we could let the church use all of its gifts to worship Jesus.....i had the unbelievable chance to worship with chalk on a big ole piece of paper....i used to get my hand smacked for drawing in church, now i was getting to do it as a form of worship to the one i LOVE!!!! hellooooo....the whole place fell away, and it was just the spirit and was telling me what to draw for it.....i could let go of any control i had over it, and let it the time the music had faded, i was covered with chalk from head to toe.....and it felt like i had been hit by a holy mack truck.....there is no way to discribe what goes on in that speak a new language, you feel a new way, you are transformed, the world falls away.....but i want to understand this in a fuller sence. we are made ot worship....whether we realise we are doing it or not....every breath we take, every cell that dies, and is replaced by a burst of new life, every thought, every groan of our soul.....we worship.....we cant escape it....we may not recognise it while it is happening....but we are, it is......i can not do anything without a backing force....i can not make my heart beat, i can not inhale to take my next breath, i can not keep my muscles on my bones by sheer will.....these things are not of me....every moment a master peice is being acted out on my body, on every body, in everything.....each second brings a new explosion of being, and in that, you got it......worship. it is the crying out of the creation to the creator.....expressnig itself as it is.....just how it is....we are.....i am not writting this to preach, if you dont believe Jeshua is the son of G*D , or even if you dont believe in a G*D, i am not a bible thumper....but this is my faith....that the Ancient of Ancients from past the edge of all, created, loved, manifested itself, taught, healed, sacrificed, and broke all the chains that bind doesnt have to make sence on a grand scale....actually sometimes i stand back, and laugh at it.....but it is beautiful.....and i accept this, because i can not deny it. the spirit of the Unfathomable has met me here gathered me up, and given me a place. and i will Worship............................................b.

i have found it!!!!

i have been searching for this blog for aver a year. when we got a new computer i lost all of my bookmarks, this being one of them...and when i did finally find the site i couldnt remember my password.....but aha!!!! thanks to nathalie, and her fabulousness i am back online, and can start blogging again....