i just wanna die....

so i have been posting poetry for a while now, but i want to step out of that for a night to write about what is going on.....

so if someone is reading this, you probably dont know, unless you have seen me in the past year, that i have been horribly depressed....i mean like errrrrrrr yucky nasty. it was a culmination of all sorts of stuff from internal issues to external issues....alot of junk sort of rose to the surface, and instead of holding it up to the light, i just poked at it with sticks till it hurt.....i have had several conversations with dear friends about my addiction....it is an addiction i think alot of us suffer with....it isnt drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling.....no it is a more subtle, sort of accepted addiction......i am an emotional junky......i love to feel.....i live for the rush of an emotion....you may say "but beck, feelings are ok, why should i have to keep those bad boys in check?" well......proverbs 4:23 says " above ALL ELSE, guard you heart, for it is the wellspring of life." WHAT!!!!! this is serious stuff.....instead of passing all of the junk that was welling up inside of me through the word, letting the HOLY SPIRIT deal with it, i was simply accepting it for truth.....uh mistake numero uno!!!! so what happens when you dont handle this stuff properly? it becomes your reality......no longer was life, life, but it was a reflection of what i saw in my heart....so no longer did i cling to hope, or peace, or love, but embraced fully loss, confusion, discontent....because i could feel it, period....just because it felt like something.

so fast forward a bit.....after a year of living like this, and many really messed up months of just trying to grasp at re-defining life for MYSELF....please note this....because i dont know when selfishness is ever a quality to strive for....but we all deal with in one way or another. in Gods infinite wisdom and mercy made me blurt out to more than one person that i could not worship a god that would not meet me where i was and move me somewhere else....cause well, i didnt have it in me. i had no desire to look at, listen to, much less chase after God. i was so tired.....tired of what????? well just tired of looking inside of me.....i am sort of yucky....

so what do you know, but God , you know JEHOVAH GOD, is crazy like that.....not only does he LOVE me, but he is in the business of picking people up where they are and moving them to where they need to be.....

i wish i could show you a film, or paint you a picture, write you a poem, or something to describe the supernatural movement that has happened in my life in the past couple of weeks.....people have prayed, as God led, and mountains have been moved. all i crave day and night is His word, His wisdom, His LOVE! that is not something i could have done myself..

i am still dealing with the consequences of my several months of well, mud rollin'. but i can hold my head high because it has no power over me, and i know this because the God of the universe loved me enough to change my heart.....that is BIG. if you see me i will probably tell you this all over again, because i am like a freaking broken record right now, i can not testify enough of the power of Jesus in my life!

so there you have it, becky with a re-furbished heart. a desire to be with people, and love on them! but most of all a deep deep desire to never be content in only knowing what i know now of my sweet sweet Jesus! before i just wanted to die....but Christ has reminded me of a better way.....to die to myself to live for him, and His way is always the best way!