all of the above.
yes, it was so unbelievably fantastic to sit on "my sitting rock" in the middle of the river for an hour or two, without being talked to, looked at, asked of. it was fun to scamper up the hill to find my fire wood. i felt great achievement as i started up one of my famous camp fires in less than 1 minute. i soaked in the sounds, smells, and textures of the deep woods. watched ants run from spiders, spiders run from frogs, frogs run from me. i ate fruit fruit and more fruit. walked the trail to get water about 6 times a day, and drank all of it. i felt clean, even though my body was filthy from top to bottom. my hair was gross, my face covered in ash, and my feet were beautifully coated with all sorts of dirt, twigs and soot. my clothes, which consisted of a bathing suit top and my tore to pieces camp pants, were permeated with the heavenly scent of wood smoke, and the aroma de becky. i am not going to lie, it was great. but it was also scary. i was made aware of the fact that i sort of live with fear on a day to day basis.... granted there is some rational behind being slightly more aware of your vulnerabilities when you are all alone in the woods. i wasnt worried about bears, or bob cats, i was worried about predators of the human persuasion. see i like to think i am a self sufficient, do it all, get it done, i dont need your help kinda gal. to an extent i am, but there is great comfort in knowing that someone has got your back.
i had been alone for a while, not spoken to a soul, just me and the river. loneliness had crept in, and i wanted to welcome it for a change. i wanted to ask it some questions.....
just above my camp site on the trail is a little ridge that kept me from seeing over the trail. as the dusk set in and the smoke from the fire rolled over the boulders, i ran a mental inventory of the people in my life past and present. i saw each person walk over the ridge and into my campsite. i wanted to know what i honestly felt about each person, and why i wanted them there, or not.
i know all of this sounds stupid, but it was very therapeutic for me in a way. i saw my husband walk the trail, and i knew instantly i was safe. i was loved. i saw my friends come into my campsite one by one, and they brought new dimension, each one. i saw old love walk in and out. it was easy to let them go in peace. then as i sat there i realized that the one person i really wanted to walk over the ridge more than anything in the whole world was Jesus. i couldnt see him, i just knew it. the answer to all of my questions, the love that surpasses all loves, the comfort, the strength, the healing. i went to bed all by myself that night, but i wasnt lonely. yes, i was in the woods all by myself, but i knew that even if no one ever walked over the ridge again He had promised to never leave me or forsake me.
i had crazy dreams about raccoons all night. woke up stoked the fire back up for breakfast, and enjoyed another day of sitting in the sun on a river rock. read the last bit of the book i have been putting off for months, hula hooped, sat some more, stood up for a bit, and even went on a hike. i was glad to meet my family when they got back to get me. i felt refreshed, and rejuvenated. i knew there was a reason why i felt such a deep need for time in the wilderness. i am especially glad that i got it.
now to remember.