another monday....

lilli and i ended up sleeping in a little bit today....8:30....for all of you parents you understand that 8:30 is deff. sleeping in....but i didnt get to sleep until 4 in the morning the night before...im still awake now obviously, and a little edgey...im having to take some nasty steroids to fix my nerves in my back, and they keep me up all night....arrrrggghhhh...i have to be at work at 4:30 tomorrow morning....but ill get a nap tomorrow hopefully...
im not realy looking forward to going back to work tomorrow...rock and i have been having lots of talks about what the heck im doing...which doesnt seem to be a whole lot right now...just making it through....sometimes that is all you need, but i feel very unproductive right now....i get up so early in the morning for work that i am tired the rest of the day, and i end up loafin with lilli doing much of nothing...we should be learning things, but.....im not very happy with my job right now either...but there are loyalty issues at hand, and im not sure what im going to do....i am thinking of going back to school for my massage therapy licence...i could have it done in lesss than a year if my work is willling to work with me on schedules....rock is very ready for me to start thinking about opening a community center with some friends of mine....make it an all purpose sort of place where people can come to be healthy in all ways....fitness, yoga, dance, music, arts, massage, tea, relationships....etc....im not sure if im ready to even think about it...i was trying to tell him that when there are so many people involved i dont want to have alot of thought into it, and then have to change everything after we all lay it out on the table, id rather go in with a clean plate, and "sample at the buffet" if you will...then figure out if i even want to be involved...i just hope that isnt a cop out....well see...
i start meeting with the ladies from work next week at the coffee house....im very excited about this, we are doing a study of captivating...a book by staci eldridge about women's hearts...it is a beautifully wirtten book....she has a lovely way of dispelling the myths of what it means to be a woman....a REAL woman....in the first few pages she speaks dirrectly to the center of all that i feel about my insecurities as a woman, wife, mother, friend....she talks about her own issues with our cultural ideas of womanhood, and how the "church" is really slacking in the area of grace....but instead puts us into the positions of having to be be be...something we can never add up to...."if you only do this, you will be enough, or if you can just get over this, you will have it together,....this is NOT the gospel....Yeshua holds me gently just like this. insecure, teetering, dizzy, and dreaded....we all are.....why not admit it...??? well maybe not all dreaded...i had the most awsome talk with my sweet sista tami when she was in town a few weeks ago on the way back from picking her up from the airport....she has been experiencing deep levels of hurt lately, and she had a lovely talk with a friend of hers, and she shared some of that truth with me....i reallllllly needed to hear it....she said,"we try so hard to compare our lives" at first i thought she was talking about comparing our lives with others, she quickly said'"to what we think we should be, where we think we should be....how we should be facing things....when we should feel better....." oh yeah, i get it..."like i should feel better from this hurt after i........, or i should be over this situation by the time i am......" you get it?....her friend spoke pure truth to her, and said, "you might not ever get over it, but that is the point, it turns into a bit of who you are, it shapes your personality, the space you take up on the planet"...why do we try so hard to hold these things back when all we have to do is accept it, hold out our hands for support, and get back to the dirt of it....i love being broken, cause when something divine happens i can look at for what it is....not my doing....most of me falls through cracks...some of me is just sort of hanging on to my frame....of course to look at me, you would think that part is deffinetly on my hips....hahaha...
i guess i could go on for hours, seeing as how im not getting to sleep anytime soon, but im gonna scoot, and meander the halls of the cyber world for a while....
all my sprakelyinessssss